On the Air
by izbels
Summary: Bella is a lawyer sent to supervise DJ EC, Seattle's favourite and least favorite shock jock. He is English, brash, a misogynist and absolutely atrocious. She can't stand him...Mmmm or can she?
1. Chapter 1

**I have taken Stephenie Meyer's gorgeous characters and I plan on doing something really naughty with them. I don't own the characters, she totally and absolutely owns them. Praise be to SM.**

**If I was Stephenie Meyer I would write a story where Jacob finally gets some.**

~~OtA~~

**BPOV**

Bella thunked her head against the cool of the bathroom tiles, allowing water to cascade over her shoulders as it rinsed the soap suds down her drain. The four minute alarm went off to indicate that her limited shower time was up. She rapidly turned off the taps. "What a goody two-shoes you are young lady," she muttered, fully aware that her environmental stance of the four minute shower was purely because of her hippy tree hugging friend, Alice.

One night when Alice had stayed at her house, Bella had the audacity to take a ten minute shower. Alice flipped out and annoyed the heck out of her until she agreed to use the timer. The kicker was, that had been one of her shorter showers. If food didn't disintegrate under a hot shower, or give you the runs when inadvertently mixed with soap, she would have eaten in there too. She sighed at the failed experiment with the shower-food combo. "Sudsy Pizza," she said to herself. She had lost six pounds in a single weekend.

"I should have stayed in the God-danged shower Alice, just to protest you sending me on this bloody awful God-danged case." The little shower timer (a pink daisy with a little digital timer) stared back at her inoffensively. It had been a gift from "Alice the Activist" as she was known.

"If you weren't a gift from Alice I would shove you down the toilet bowl right now...God-danged four minute showers, should be God-danged illegal..." She continued to mutter to herself as she dried off.

Who the hell got up at two in the morning except for a booty call?

DJs that's who.

Stupid DJs who get in trouble with the FCC for making "comments offensive to homosexual women."

So she had to get up at two in the morning to babysit a foul mouthed shock jock for two weeks so that the radio station wouldn't have to pay out a massive fine. Then there was another two weeks on top of that to ensure that he received the appropriate "sensitivity training" to satisfy the courts.

DJ EC. DJ stupid, bloody, "Can't keep my mouth shut or my stupid opinion to myself," EC. If the truth be told, she already was a little bit intimidated by his reputation. For some demented reason, she was incredibly fearful of the first impression that she would make. She had even resorted to allowing Alice to pick her outfit out the night before. Something not too corporate, but something that meant business. Something feminine - but not slutty. Something that didn't make her look like the dreaded "Ms." that had gotten DJ EC into so much hot water.

Three weeks prior, on a bright, happy and sunny Friday morning, one DJ EC decided to blow a fuse and vent his opinion about "Ladies who love Ladies" and their entire "Ms." lifestyle. His four minute tirade about the fairer homosexual gender was a travesty upon the airwaves. How all the "Ms.'s" should just give in to some good male loving, throw away their "Ms." titles and all use the more feminine and acceptable "Miss". Then came the inference that they were all too afraid to be titled "Miss" because all of the straight men would reply "Miss? Yep, we'll give this one a Miss...and quite rightly too, thanks for the warning."

DJ EC had not arrived for the court appointed meeting the afternoon prior where the fine gentleman from the FCC had laid out what Bella's law firm was to "achieve, witness and document" during her time period there. The radio station had the famous "five minute delay" enforced upon them for the duration. Given that the radio station was primarily news and talk-back based, having a five minute delay on any story was a virtual death knoll for the company. If DJ EC behaved, they got their regular five second delay back. If not, they were well and truly screwed.

The FCC had appointed the law firm of Swan, Hale and White, for obvious social and political acceptability. The firm worked primarily on women's rights issues, with divorce cases paying the bills. Their passion for the last three years had been raising an awareness of the trafficking of women, (and assisting those who could be released) and the right for gay women to marry. They also donated money heavily to women's shelters and women's cancer support groups. Bella tended to take on high profile divorces to fund their more altruistic adventures. Alice focused on the same gender marriages, and Rosalie used her bitch face to save women from a life of slavery. The FCC determined that the firm had the right social attitude and legal standing to enforce the rules governing the court order. Initially, they had all been reluctant to take on such a high profile, muck splattered case, but the money won out. The $1,200 an hour consultant fees would fund a lot of nights of safety, and a lot of counseling and support for their charities. The added bonus was that EC himself had to pay a fee to one of their favorite women's rights organizations as hush money for the group action that he had additionally faced. The "Ms.'s" did not "Miss" him so to speak.

She had giggled at the irony of the support that the money would fund. A heck of a lot of "Ms.'s" would benefit from his loud and stupid mouth. She half hoped he would get himself in trouble every three months or so...

And so at the extraordinarily ridiculous time of three in the morning, Bella found herself pulling into the driveway of 69.9 FM and pushing a security buzzer to be let into the basement garage of the building. A few protesters had already gathered outside. It was the first time in three weeks that DJ EC had been allowed back on air, and they were obviously gearing up for a protest. It's a pity the idiot had probably already been inside the building for an hour. She hoped they would get him on the way out. "Note to self: Forget to tell him they are out there." She giggled at the thought of protest signs bashing his ski-mask covered head...

She found Jasper at the lift entrance up from the garage. She had met him previously at the meeting where his client, the mysterious "DJ EC" had failed to turn up. He had used his southern charm and that glorious accent to full affect. Something about an apology said in that divine southern twang sounded so much more sincere. She was almost certain that he could tell her to go fuck herself, and as long as he finished the statement with a "Ma'am" she would probably just smile and ask him to repeat it. The Irish seem to have this power too. The Scottish for that matter possessed this ability..."Ook nanny noo, go Fek you" entered her mind as a statement. She smiled when she realized that she had spaced out for a good few seconds there... She shook Jasper's hand and followed him into the meeting room.

The room housed a rather large table with a group of motley but comfortable chairs. Today's newspapers were strewn about the room, obvious material for today's show. Notepads and laptops were at the ready. In all, three writers, the producer (a very noteworthy multiple- dimpled hulk of a man), some department heads, the program manager (a flamboyantly dressed man who looked like he was about to vomit), Jasper, and DJ EC's manager/handler were present and that was it. A whirl of names served as introductions and all she could remember was handsome dimple-boy (Emmett) and flamboyant vomitty dresser (Marcus).

Most notably absent was DJ EC himself.

"Jasper, your client doesn't seem to be here?" she asked, as she looked around the room. With the creepy transcripts from his former shows and the current offense that she had been given, she expected to see an aging, frumpy, opinionated gentleman (whatever that looks like). She had never listened to one of his shows. She preferred alternative rock, whatever that meant these days.

And then time stood still.

It's amazing how little time it can take for a grown woman to make a complete ass of herself. Seriously, a world record was broken in the wee hours of that morning.

If it was possible for a man to walk in slow motion then that was what he was doing. He ambled down the long corridor leading into the room, looking up slowly with a smirk that just screamed "I just farted, and you aren't going to realize it for a good minute or so".

He looked her up and down.

She looked him up and down.

"Your mouth seems to be open sweetheart. Maybe I could help shut it around something practical."

And there he was. DJ EC. God's own gift to women. Misogynistic pig wrapped up in the body of an angel.

He pointed at her mouth.

"Still open there, babe…"

She shut her mouth so abruptly she thought her teeth may have shattered in the back.

"Mr. Cullen, that's your real name isn't it, sir?"

He leered at her. She never thought she would see anyone sober leer at her the way he was.

"Mr. Cullen, if I were you, I would be on your best behavior. Do your apology on air today, be a good boy, keep clean for four freaking weeks, and you may be able to afford to keep that mansion, condo, holiday house off Rio de Janero, and those four gas guzzling, pimped up vehicles that you not, you are going to be DJ 'out on your ass', and believe me I won't give a damn".

And with that she plunked herself down on the nearest chair.

Well, that's what she thought she had done.

When she woke up she had a mild concussion and a lump the size of an egg on the back of her head. She was in the arms of previous aforementioned angel/Satan-in-disguise and she had an icepack ensconced on her noggin.

"That would have gone a lot better if you had just sat on the chair properly. It also probably would have gone a lot better if I didn't see that you're wearing stockings - and the sexy kind too - not just the Wal-Mart specials."

Oh crap. His English accent was adorable. She had to add it to her list of accents that could quite agreeably tell her to go "fuck herself".

She was screwed.

~~OtA~~

**So there is Shockjockward (is that even original, someone do a quick search for me!) Hope you like him. You shouldn't though, because I am gonna make him be an ass for quite a while as politically incorrect assholes can be a lot of fun. Well I hope so, otherwise it is not the story for you.**

**This story won't be PG... By the way ever had sex in a radio studio? Awesome acoustics...**

**This story is being re-edited by my Beta- FicObsessed.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Stephenie Meyer owns it all folks. Only the lame story and the swearsies are mine.**

**Stephenie Meyer and I have a lot in common. Except for being Mormon and having big breasts and several amazing bestselling books that I re-read frequently. Ok, the only thing we have in common is age.**

**All I hear is radio goo goo, radio gaga...**

~~OtA~~

**BPOV**

Bella managed to pick herself up off the ground, trying to keep in tact whatever remaining dignity that she had in place. She surmised that at this stage it wasn't much.

More carefully this time, she sat herself onto the dreaded chair that had rejected her petite ass only a few minutes prior.

The crowd in the room resumed the frenzy of setting the program up for the morning. She pulled out a document that had been emailed the evening before. It was the apology that DJ EC was going to read (she hoped) at the beginning of the program. It was thin at best, but met the minimal requirements of the ruling. Her main goal was to ensure that it's apologetic intent was maintained during the show so as not to diminish the message that was meant to be conveyed across to the audience. She thought it should have contained DJ EC admitting that he was a fucking insensitive jackass. But in her readings of the FCC guidelines the wording couldn't quite go like that. In fact, three fucks and you were out. The FCC could revoke your license. She couldn't figure out how DJ EC hadn't gotten himself into deeper doo-doo considering the stringency of the FCC's moral and ethical guidelines that governed all radio stations nationally. They even had to play a commercial three times a day that told listeners where they could make contact if they were unhappy with the content that was being played on any radio station. The FCC got 18,765 complaints within the day of the "Ms." scandal, or "Ms-gate" as they were calling it in the room. Howard Stern would be proud.

She noticed that Edward, or DJ EC was getting more and more hyped up as the morning went on. She also noticed that his accent started to slip into an American one. His demeanor seemed to change too. He was yelling a bit more often and being a bit more brash. It was like he was Jekyll and Hyde. Semi-normal one minute and the next – behaving like a kid at 10am and no Ritalin.  
No one else seemed to notice. She recalled this was somewhere in the court documents. DJ EC was his stage name, an American shock jock. The courts had even been closed to protect his anonymity, and given the public outrage over the case, he was allowed to wear his DJ EC costume into court.

DJ EC was the ski-mask wearing maniac who shocked the airways with his no-holds-barred anti-establishment commentary. At all public events he wore various ridiculously colored ski-masks and flannel shirts, torn jeans and Converse shoes. His outside broadcasts were always heavily guarded by security. With all of the people he had offended, he still managed to pull 75% of the market share of the morning breakfast crowd. Revealing who he was would have cost him and the company millions. He was a landmark case, given security rights normally granted to those testifying against the mafia. He was actually prosecuted under the trademark of DJ EC. She thought it was ludicrous. Unmask the bastard, she thought, and throw him to the wolves.

She did not freak out when a man wearing a ski-mask appeared before her and started to huff and puff like a pro wrestler working himself up for a match. The pre-show chant and all hands in was kind of reminiscent of a rock group about to go on stage. She smiled in spite of herself.

He patted her on the head.

"Don't worry yourself pretty miss, I am gonna make ya proud" He started to walk towards the door.

"Or is that _Ms._?" He winked at her and did fake cowboy guns with his fingers.

She was worried that her mouth was opening and shutting like a fish out of water. Like the one she had discovered last week in the bottom drawer of her kitchen. Fluffy 17 had somehow managed to jump out of the bowl and land in the bottom drawer. She had shut it... only to discover the nearly dead fish sometime later when she was searching for cling wrap. That reminded her, she should buy Fluffy 18 on the way home...

Marcus interrupted her private mental conversation, which probably was mental, and ushered her into the producers' booth.

"Babe, this is where we make magic! Or totally fuck up my ability to pay off my new car..." His hands flapped about in an over-dramatic drama queen type of way. How the hell he allowed Ms-gate to happen she couldn't quite figure out, given that he was clearly batting for the same side.

"And this, my little legal eagle, is the mute button. Push this and everything the bad man says goes away, and we cut to a song. Remember, you have 5 minutes to think about what he says before all of the upper west coast hears Captain Spamerica out there make an ass out of us all."

She looked at the tiny yellow button. She thought it should be a little more dramatic, maybe colored red, and a heck of a lot bigger. She noted the timer sitting in front of her and took out her note pad to begin to report the antics of this morning's show.

It started out ok. His 40 second apology sounded professional. To all the listeners he made an even-tempered, but obviously prepared statement declaring in an inoffensive way that he was indeed a fucking jackass.

Unfortunately to those in the booth, they got to witness his mime show which involved him air fucking the microphone, dry humping a chair, and appearing to be taking it up the ass by a secondary microphone behind him.

The apology was followed with a song and him pretending to receive the silent rounds of applause from the invisible fans that obviously lived not so deeply within his imagination.

She thought he reminded her of the type of deer hunting, red necked boys she used to go to school with. Great. Just what she needed - four weeks of the Mike and Tyler gang relived in Technicolor.

The show went on. Today's topic was how much more surgery Heidi Montag could possibly have .Apparently, this involved talking about how her pubic hair would need to be plucked from her chin if she continued and jokes that she thought Mike and Tyler would have high-fived themselves a lot over.

Basically, it was three hours of grown-up bum, poo and wee jokes, intermingled with some seriously IQ-deficient callers ringing in to heckle or agree with him. Hecklers got a five second rant, a witty retort and a rendition of the dial tone in their ear. His cheer squad was given CDs and movie tickets.

The show ended at 9AM. The ski-mask was removed, the meeting room was repopulated, and the entire crew was present for the usual post-show debriefing. She noted that the gorgeous English accent returned to her semi-offensive prey.

"How did I do? Did we behave enough for the day?" He turned to her, smiling and slowly sipped on a glass of juice.

"Verbally, fine. The Heidi Montag joke used to be a Cher joke back in the day, but so far, nothing too offensive that will make you lose your mortgages."

"No mortgages love, own it all outright."

Ugh, a braggart. What a dick. She didn't like anyone with the attitude that money can buy you anything and allow you to do anything. Her friend Rose had enough clients that she was assisting to gain their freedom from the exact same type of asshole she was now sitting beside.

She decided to continue to perform her role, pointedly not looking at him during her summation. She offered her suggestions, opinions and recommendations. The group seemed to calm down from the high of the show and was listening. Some questioned of the recommendations or made the occasional statement on how she was stifling their creativity.

The producer expressed his thanks for her attendance and indicated that the rest of the meeting was purely tactics for improving the show, which she could skip if she wanted. She readily left the room, tripping only once, and she was almost satisfied with her ability to function given the still ridiculous time of the morning. She followed a helpful secretary to the staff room that held a plethora of delicious and not so nutritious looking snacks.

"Pace yourself here, because this is where the first ten pounds jumps onto you."

She turned around to see that DJ EC had followed her out of the meeting. She sighed. He really was incredibly gorgeous. He was running his hands through his delicious bronze hair that had been flattened by his previous head gear, in an unsuccessful attempt to tame it.

"These are all freebies we get from companies that we are either showcasing their products in advertising, or companies who are hoping we will freely showcase their products by talking about how we stumbled upon it in the staff room and it is the next big thing...oh, you don't really give a shit do you?" His smile was rather disarming.

She edged backward until her butt hit the counter.

"DJ EC isn't really me you know." He moved to the opposing counter, leaned against it, and crossed his legs at the ankles in a casually coordinated way. She knew if she tried that her heels would slip out from under her and she would find herself flat on the floor. Or hit her head on the cabinets on the way down. Neither option was a favorable one. She tried to answer him as evenly as she could.

"The words, regardless of who they are written by Mr. Cullen, come out of your mouth, on your radio show, for this radio station. Now, you don't seem to have a gun to your head during the show, so you are liable for any offensive thing that you say that people have a reaction to. You are like that comedian Sasha Bowen thingy..."

"Sasha is a friend actually. I met him through his wife Isla, who knows Emmett. They met when he was an exchange student in Australia...I'll just shut up now and let you finish your tirade." He sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, tilting his head down slightly, while looking up at her with his oddly-colored green eyes. Not oddly-colored…magnificently-colored... She cleared her throat.

"You've said unforgivable things that you need to at least pretend to be apologetic and remorseful for saying. You don't understand what kind of power you have and that you can hurt and destroy people, their lifestyles and their values in seconds."

"I play a role that earns this company a lot of money."

"Big whoop. Money can't fill the souls and minds of people who are downtrodden or oppressed!"

"It's just entertainment!"

"It's not entertainment when it hurts someone, you jackass."

"Is jackass one of your favorite words?" His ridiculous question made her snap back, stand up straight and realize what an intense argument they were having.

"Do you have a private office?"

He leaned forward and pointed down the hallway.

"Down there," he replied gruffly.

He allowed her to walk before him, opened the door, allowed her to walk through, and then closed it behind her.

"You are a misogynistic pig!"

"And you are a whiny do-gooder!"

And with that they threw themselves at each other and there was no more talking.

~~OtA~~

**Reviewers are sexier. That was what was in a recent British Journal of Amazing facts. Review and find out for yourself... go on, you know you want to.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter three**

**Radiohead.**

**Please note I am trying to be clever and have all of my chapters containing the word radio, and being either groups or songs...I would love your suggestions...All that continues to come to mind is "Video killed the radio star" ****that I am saving** for the chapter where their home made porn video leaks onto the internet.

**Stephenie Meyer Owns everything. Well 90% of everything, with that whole tithing thing the Mormon church own the other 10% of everything.**

~~OtA~~

**BPOV**

She pushed herself away from him and took a much needed breath of air.

"Oh, Fuck it!" she said, as she went in for another kiss. His mouth was incredible. She wanted to suck his tongue, but he was keeping it hidden away… like a gentleman.

She pushed herself away for the second time.

He stood there with his arms wide open.

"Are you sure? Because I'm totally ready for round three..." His eyes were twinkling with delight. Seriously, how was that possible? The lighting in this room was crap.

"I am so sorry for, um ..."

"Attacking me?"

"Yep, that's exactly what you'd call it. Oh my, that was rather bizarre. What the hell happened there?" She looked at him and shook her head as she inhaled. She leaned down on her knees like she was about to hyperventilate. She needed to get a grip on reality and fast. This guy was a jackass. J-a-c-k-a-s-ssss. She said it in her head, all hissy at the end.

"I should probably excuse myself from the court appointment. I obviously have some weird, odd brain spasm-burst-aneurysm thingy occurring here."

"If you were experiencing a brain aneurysm I would expect you to either be unconscious or demonstrating some alteration to your Glasgow coma scale and reduced functioning of your verbal, and or motor skills; none of which you appear to be exhibiting right now."

She looked up at him from her hyperventilation pose. That was not something she expected to come out of his mouth. Her face obviously expressed this exact opinion.

"I don't just tell fart jokes all day long you know."

"No, that's just from six to nine in the morning. I kind of expected that you would be reading fart jokes the rest of the time."

"While fart jokes are, I believe, the cornerstone of development of humor in everyone from ages 18 months upwards, I actually have a masters in psychology, an extremely high EQ, and an IQ of around 180, which does not get us out of this awkward situation at present."

She stood like a zombie realizing that one, he was not an idiot jackass, but a smart jackass with delectable lips. One who could quite easily black mail her into fudging a report while acting like an ass on air, all because she was thinking with her Woo-woo and not her brain for approximately sixty seconds of her life; and two, what the hell was she thinking?

"Hi, I'm Edward. I'm just a boy standing in front of a girl...waving my foppish hair."

She giggled. She loved Notting Hill. And fuck, he was English. What was it with English men and foppish hair?

"Hi. I'm Bella. Miss Bella Swan."

"I don't want to Miss you Bella Swan. That was an amazing kiss - feel free to attack me any time."

She raised herself up, trying to stand like an adult and not make it look like she was sticking her boobs out.

"I am very, very confused right now. Since today's show is over…and I mean both shows; the one just now where my brain went into spasm as well as the one where you air fucked a microphone while pretending to be apologizing for your behavior… um, yes… well, I am going to go home and attempt to pretend that this didn't happen. It'd be great if you could do the same. That would be just really, really great."

He smirked at her, and she noted his eyes crinkled at the corners. For a verbally repulsive jackass he was incredibly cute.

"Oh… shut the fuck up." Yes, she had just spoken out loud, telling herself to stop having internal conversations about this gorgeous jackass of a man, and made herself look even more stupid.

He continued to watch her, head tilted while she slowly internally combusted.

"Ok, leaving now, see you tomorrow. No more of this weird behavior occurring from me."

She left the room, tripping on the transition strip at the door and trying to leave with as much of her dignity intact as she could. "Not much dignity left really," she muttered to herself as she sat in her car.

Driving home was quite a surreal experience. She continued to talk to herself.

"Idiot. You are in dire need of having your head read. He is the opposite of everything you believe in. He probably squashes spiders instead of taking them outside when he sees them. He probably likes dogs, and you are a cat person. He is a jackass. This is your mantra. He is a jackass."

She looked at herself in the rear view mirror.

"You are resorting to talking to yourself in your car like you are actually having a rational conversation. Alice and Rose will kick your ass. You could not take him out to any of your fundraisers, he would repulse everyone there the minute he opened his mouth. Your credibility will go down. Just like you would like to go down on him..." She cupped her hand over her mouth. She looked at her reflection again.

"You did not just say that you wanted to go down on him?" The reflection's eyes appeared to be saying- "Dear Lord, yes I would."

"That's it. No more talk from you today young lady. You are an idiot."

Reaching her apartment, she entered in the code and drove into the garage. She tripped once again as she got out of her vehicle, shut the door on her coat, reopened the door straight into her knee and then finally shut the door successfully. She pushed the button on the lift, tripped as she entered, and somehow managed to make it into her flat, managing to only graze her pinky finger on the door latch.

She was greeted by the only man in her life who made it ok.

"Hello my darling, I'm home."

Mr. Jenks answered by bounding over and rubbing his head against her leg. Well, that's how she would have liked her cat to have responded. Instead he was midway through licking his nether regions, pausing only long enough to appear to be sticking his tongue out at her.

"I'm going to take a shower. Don't be creepy and come in Mr. Jenks, you water-loving, freak of a cat."

**EPOV**

She kissed me. Oh. My. Lord. Her mouth tasted just divine. It was all he could do not to stick his tongue halfway down her throat.

There was this weird vibe about her. She was repulsed by him and at the same time she was coming on to him. She sure as hell couldn't figure out what she wanted. But he knew he wanted her and that was a mistake.

She called him a jackass.

Nice British word that one. Jackass. He deserved it. He really was being one lately. He had no idea who the hell he was anymore and it was disturbing him greatly.

He needed to clear his head. He needed to go home and wank, and then maybe wank again. Then go for a run. Nothing worse than running around with your dick half cocked. Or fully cocked for that matter. Like that actor Kellan Lutz…does the man not own a pair of jocks? Geez. He was thinking about Kellan Lutz's dick. What had become of him?

Jasper entered his office, just in time to see him banging his head against the wall for the third time in a row.

"Man - you gotta cut that out, your gonna do damage to the are in deep enough shit my friend."

"Yep. I'll stop the minute that my brain comes up with something that explains what the hell just happened." He did not want to get in her pants. He really did not want to get into her pants.

Hell yes he wanted to get into her pants.

Jasper crossed his arms over his body, tapping his fingers on his upper arm waiting for Edward to stop overreacting. He kicked the door shut with his foot and leaned back on the door.

"Wanna let a man in on what has you banging the walls?"

Edward looked across at his friend and weighed the pros and cons of telling his friend what had occurred.

"I can't man. I'm just gonna have to fucking work this out myself."

"Alright then, Mr. Cryptic. But could you act remotely normal around the Swan woman? You just have to play it straight for four weeks and then you can resort to your usual jackass behavior".

"Oh great! So you think I'm a jackass too?" Edward sat down on his leather chair looking defeated.

"Edward, this is getting out of hand. How much longer can this shit go on for?"

"What shit?"

"Tanya dumped your ass man. I know it was for another woman, but you should have shut your trap up about the lesbian gambit. How much longer are you gonna be a whiney girl about it?"

"I'm over her. Believe me, this is something different. Something really weird for me, so just let me sort myself out."

"Well, you better get sorted. You have that outside broadcast in Vegas on Friday, so you had better get your game on and try to only offend within the FCC guidelines. And whatever issues you have, grab the monkey, spank it and get over it." Jasper exited the room, leaving Edward in his reverie.

Monkey. Spank. He would love to spank that little Bella monkey.

He promptly returned to his head banging, this time seated at his desk.

~~OtA~~

**So how was that guys? Really they ought to be fucking each other's brains out. Would love to hear about your irrational behavior around someone in your life. I met this guy when I was 18, he totally had a girlfriend, but he made me laugh for an entire day, and next thing I knew I was losing my virginity to him. I had dated all of his friends prior to that, so maybe he was just the last man standing or something. I wound up marrying him.**

**Chapters have been relaunched due to my Beta doing some er, Beta-rering.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4. Hello turn your radio on (Shakespeare Sister)**

**I am a bad person for updating sooner. But I know you don't care about my RL so here is the story!**

**Stephenie Meyer is a very talented lady who owns all of the characters. She also owns a big house and probably doesn't argue with her husband over who drops the kids of and picks them up. I have more credits than you hubby, so suck it up.**

~~OtA~~

**EPOV**

Edward wanked twice in the shower that afternoon. His lengthy stay in the shower meant that he was abusing the environment that day He toweled off, got dressed and headed out for a run.

Normally a run would clear his head. Make him reevaluate why he had to behave like a complete and utter ass everyday for a living. Something about running cleared your head and made you feel like the best version of yourself.

Unfortunately, the running didn't help his libido at all and instead of being completely and utterly exhausted he was still jacked up. He wanked again in the shower. He really needed to get one of those four minute shower timers. He did his usual afternoon routine - channel surfing for material, avoiding phone calls of his friends, his lawyers and his family. His parents did not know what he did for a living, and for that he was eternally grateful. How do you explain to your prim and proper mother that you are a world class jackass, who doesn't follow any of the principles that his parents taught their only child? He was quite embarrassed about his where his life was headed. And now his pathetic job meant that he couldn't tap the potential that was the decidedly delectable Miss Swan. Absolutely gorgeous. The brown hair, tied at the back of her neck, the milky white skin…she was perfection personified. And she had kissed him. Attacked him even.

He really wished she'd do it again.

**BPOV**

Bella continued to have issues with rising at 2am.

It was wrong in absolutely every way in the world for any human being to be up at this hour. It sincerely sucked, but once she got done fighting with her alarm, she found herself looking forward to seeing him again today.

What is it about good girls liking bad boys?

She was a good girl, no doubt there. Altruistic and giving. She gave to as many good causes as she could. She wanted to contribute to society- do something for the world. She didn't necessarily want to gain accolades for the work that she did, but she wanted to ensure that she left the world in a better place.

And screwing the delectable DJ EC was not the way to do it.

And so today's mantra began… "You do not want to fuck DJ EC."

"You do not want to fuck DJ EC."

Yes, yes she did. She really, really did. And she really, really shouldn't.

"He's repulsive. He is really, really repulsive. Delectably repulsive." She licked her lips.

"YOU do NOT want to fuck DJ EC, pathetic girl!"

So she repeated her 'no fucking' manta and drove herself to his radio station.

What was even attractive about him? He hadn't said a lot to her. He was good looking, if you liked that chiseled look in your men.

"For the love of God Isabella Swan, find something wrong with him!"

She looked at herself in the rear view mirror.

"His eyebrows! That's it! The eyebrows are disturbing. Like two caterpillars going at it." She smiled in satisfaction at her ability to coherently decide something that was repulsive about him. At least his eyebrows don't meet in the middle. She guessed however that he probably maintained them through waxing or laser treatments.

But then again, her eyebrows were disturbing as well. They only went 3/4 across her eyes. Maybe their children would have the perfect eyebrows; not to woolly and the full length they ought to be.

"You are not having children with him! This is mental - just shut up Bella!"

She stared at herself in the rear view mirror as she stopped the vehicle in the underground garage.

"Shut up weird eyebrow girl - talking out aloud to yourself. Get a grip today."

She chanted her little mantra to herself as she walked into the elevator.

She walked into the same meeting room that she had been in the previous morning. This time she was able to sit herself down on a chair appropriately. The energy in the room was just as exhausting as the day prior, perhaps even worse. More so because the staff were aware of the requirements of her being here. It didn't stop the repulsive jokes from being said, and being vetoed, and not necessarily just by her.

DJ EC chose to start the day in full character, American accent intact. He did seem a little more measured than the previous day. If she hadn't known better she would have thought that maybe a little of what she said to him had actually rubbed off. Other than the physical part of her that had rubbed off on him, that is.

She recommenced her chanting her little "no fucking" mantra.

She tried to discretely observe him. Today's ski-mask was a fetching old-lady lavender. Instead of looking ridiculous on him, the color made his sea-green eyes stand out. On the rare occasion she allowed herself to properly look at him, she was surprised by the intensity with which he studied her.

All right, fine. She was staring at him almost incessantly. The man had an ass you could bounce coins off of. His jeans were slightly low slung and at one stage when the team was doing the usual pre-show warm up and he raised his arms, she caught a glimpse of his happy trail. She loved that bit on gorgeous muscular men where the abdominal muscles meet near the hip bone.

And so as the show began, she continued to chant her ridiculous mantra and forced herself to listen to his crass and fake American accent. He did have it fairly down pat. It was like a cross between a redneck and an obnoxious stand-up comedian. Thankfully, no lesbian jokes today. Just a dig at the President's health reform initiative and an ad-lib moment about Justin Bieber getting his hat stolen in Australia. Something about referring to Australia as a 'penal' colony, in the same tone of excitement as a 10 year old boy would saying a word so similar to 'penis'.

The show wrapped up with a reminder that Friday's show was being held in a secret location and that Katy Perry would be attending the show as special guest performer.

She hadn't even had to think about pushing the delay button.

'What the fuck was that piece of mundane shit that you shoveled this morning EC?" The thundering voice was from Aro, the general manager.

'Bland, predictable shit." He continued to pull apart the show, glaring in Bella's general direction on several occasions, like she was the source of the problem.

Which she guessed she was, in a very roundabout sort of way.

"Ads are falling! We can't have a piece of shit show like this tomorrow." The former bravado of the room's occupants was gone. At least they took the success of their controversial radio show seriously.

"The Las Vegas show needs to be big, bad, unpredictable and fricking hilarious."

She sat up a little at this piece of knowledge. Las Vegas? Surely she could just stay in the studio and hit the delay button? Surely she wasn't meant to go to Las Vegas with him, and er,… the rest of the people in the room?

Hmmm…but what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, right?

Aro declared the meeting over and requested that Bella and EC have their post show wrap up in Edward's office.

They looked at each other warily.

They walked awkwardly down the hallway, towards yesterday's scene of the crime. They tried not to touch each other.

He walked into the room and sat on the other side of the desk.

She shut the door. He stared at her, then the door and then back at her again.

"I shut the door because I figured this was supposed to be confidential, but I can, um, open it if you would like?"

"Yesterday was weird… really weird, wasn't it?" He ran his hair through his hair. The ski-mask was gone, as well as the American accent.

"Yes it was really weird. Umm, you…" Way to be articulate there, Bells.

"I don't want anything that I say to come out as additional harassment, so following the law, if anything I say is out of line, please accept my apology in advance, but I would like permission to speak freely?"

She smirked. "Permission granted, until I deny your ass."

"I find myself rather irrationally attracted to you." He looked at her rather dejected face and then continued. "Maybe I should rephrase that. I have every reason to be attracted to you - I mean you're gorgeous and intelligent and there is this weird electricity, but I should not be attracted to you given the bollocks of a situation that we are in." He exasperatedly rubbed his face with both of his hands.

"Um, bollocks?"

"English term, means ridiculous, stupid sort of."

"Hmm, yes then I would agree."

"I would really like to kiss you again. But I think that is a legal minefield, and I don't want to take down your reputation with mine."

"Yes, I would agree with that too."

"You want to kiss me again?"

"I don't mind going down with you." Whoops! Holy shit! Did she just say that out loud? By the look on his face, she did in fact utter the last comment out aloud.

"I seem to lose my ability to verbalize appropriately around you, Mr. Cullen."

"Do I claim sexual harassment here?" He smiled. A 1000 mega-watt smile. A 1000 mega-watt-melt-your-panties type of smile.

"I just said I would go down with you, didn't I? Stupid articulation thingy, brain-mouth filter seems to be faulty at present."

"Don't blame your mouth. I'm rather fond of your mouth." He stood up; she walked to the desk, both of them now leaning in like magnets drawn towards each other.

"I think we need to look at this rationally. I think we need to maintain a professional distance and then once these two weeks are over, you pass the requirements, you have two weeks more with the volunteer program with the shelter, and then maybe, probably, I would consider maybe going on a date with you or something. But it's probably still not the best idea from a legal standpoint. While you are not my client, I am under a court directive, so you need to behave impeccably between now and then."

"So if I asked you out in a month's time, you would probably say yes?"

"I would need to defer that decision. To be perfectly honest, I don't think I can come in here every day with you and do this debriefing. The electricity or whatever it is between us is quite disturbing, in a nice kind of way, but probably won't help my resolve. "

"Yes, I agree. This room is at fault and is very, very naughty. It should be punished for promoting charged neutrons or electrons or whatever the hell it is that makes electricity between two people. Bad, bad room."

She smirked once again. Her mind had immediately gone to the gutter. There should be some punishment occurring in this room, but now was not the time. She would like to spank that amazing ass of his. She was certain it would look even better out of his jeans than in it.

She must have looked like she was thinking something dirty, because he was staring at her with thinly veiled amusement.

"I would say penny for your thoughts, but since I can't touch you after your answer, I don't want to know."

"Is this being recorded?" Suddenly her legal mind came back into the mix. He could be recording the conversation with her and use it for blackmail if she didn't pass him during the next month for the courts.

"No, I am not bloody recording this! I know I am an ass, but in this case I was just trying to be an ordinary bloke, having a conversation with a bird he fancies. I laid it out in the beginning of this conversation that you had to stop me if I got out of line." He straightened himself up; pulling away from the intimate little magnetic field they had created.

"I apologize. I was just trying to figure out if you were trying to play me or something. I don't get hit on very often."

His face softened. "You don't get hit on very often? I find that really very surprising Miss Swan. I find you quite remarkable, and…" his voice trailed off. He bit his lower lip and gave a crooked half smile.

"Dear Lord, do you know how alarmingly sexy that is? You bite your lip, and then when you smile your eyes crinkle up. It's astonishingly sexy." He had returned to the magnetic field, his face a mere few inches from hers.

"Wow, your brain to mouth filter just turns off around me doesn't it?"

"Yes, it does. So much for my stupid law degree and women's lib and all that. You disarm the synapses in my brain. You can't possibly be good for me."

"What if I'm the bad guy? Although I would try to be very, very good to you, Miss Swan."

Her finger tips splayed on the desk as she leaned into him were the only thing preventing her from capturing his mouth with hers at this point in time.

"This is truly demented you know."

He nodded at her.

"We could both be in big trouble."

He nodded again, as he looked down at her mouth.

"Professionally, I would be fucked."

He exhaled sharply at her statement. She swallowed, licking her bottom lip and trying to maintain eye contact so she wouldn't look at his mouth and be tempted.

"I plead the fifth on that statement Miss Swan. The things I could say to you right now…"

"I really want to kiss you right now." She could feel the heat rising in her face and in other parts of her body.

"I think that would be a really bad idea that I really shouldn't think about right now. Maybe you should just do it."

"What I'd really like to do is take that pouty little lower lip of yours and lick it, just like you did before. Then I want to take it in my mouth gently suck on it." Oh my goodness, did her lady parts just jump up and down with glee?

Bella leaned in a little closer. "And I really want you to do that…as long as my soft little tongue gets to play with yours before I slowly take it out of your mouth and lick your upper lip…" Edward's eyes blazed.

"The direct result would be me reaching across the table, Miss Swan, to fist those beautiful curls of yours, bringing you closer to me, my tongue parting your lips... And I would do more than just touch your tongue to mine - I would caress the inside of your mouth, my lips never leaving yours, and you wouldn't be able to breathe."

"I'm finding myself barely able to breathe right now, as well," drawled a voice from somewhere in the background. Jasper had walked in on them and he didn't look happy.

~~OtA~~

**I had to retype this because my computer crapped itself. It was much sexier the second time. Should there be humping in Vegas or are you opposed? Reviewers get teasers, when I get my butt around to. FicObsessed is my lovely Beta, and the lovely Elaine67 is my Pre-reader, thanks for their honesty at all times.**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five...I bet they won't play this song on the radio.

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters. I own a mac after my hard drive ate all of my children's photos from the last three years, as well as priceless videos of my kids growing up. No more windows PC's for me...Oh, right, shut up Izbels and get on with the story, does this even count as a disclaimer.**

~~OtA~~

**EPOV**

Edward looked up at his friend and made the only statement that he could.

"Fuck."

He saw Bella turn slowly to look into the eyes of the person intruding on their moment together.

In her surprised expression, he could see that she was thinking the same thing.

They were both fucked.

Jasper quietly closed the door behind him and looked at the rooms occupants, who looked like two deer stuck in headlights.

His southern accent became more apparent as he slowly and purposefully made his opinion clear.

"Ladies and Gentleman, this is one situation that I sincerely wished I had not walked in on. But it's probably damned good that I did. Ed, this is not cool man. Miss Swan, you need to rein him in, and this…this shit should not happen again. Open door conversations from now on kiddies." Jasper was desperately trying to not look them both in the eye. He had basically walked in on phoneless phone sex and it disturbed him greatly.

Bella looked like she wanted the earth to swallow her up.

"I'm going to leave now and please believe me Jasper, this will not occur again. We have our boundaries in place and the need for this to be kept confidential is paramount to your stations' survival. I assure you I am here merely on the ... oh fuck, Jasper, are you going to keep this under wraps?" Bella was wringing her small hands and had gone so pale Jasper thought she was going to faint.

"Yes ma'am. I'm taking this disturbing conversation to the grave." He smiled a small smile at her, trying to give her reassurance while trying to convey the message that even this was not kosher. Not kosher at all.

Bella looked at Edward and mouthed "sorry" to him, and then raised her hand in a half-hearted wave of good bye.

Edward tried not to glare at Jasper as Bella walked out the door. He sat down on his trendy, uncomfortable office chair, ran his hands through his hair and covered his face with his hands.

Jasper closed the door behind Bella and sat on the visitor's chair, waiting for his friend to settle down from the scene he just witnessed.

"I am so sorry man; I've screwed this up big time." Edward removed his hands from his face and laid them flat on the table in front of him.

"So you two have a thing going? Or what the hell was the freak show I just witnessed?" Jasper leaned back in his chair and waited patiently for Edward to answer.

Edward was considered what to say.

"I like her. She's the exact opposite of 'that woman'." He couldn't even say Tanya's name without injecting some venom. "I touched her on the arm the other day and there was this, this spark, and we both just wound up mauling the shit out of each other. I'm so attracted to her, and I... I think I wanna marry her and make her have my babies."

Jasper semi-choked as he tried to reconcile what Edward had just said.

"Fuck you make me laugh, you idiot," Jasper said when he could catch his breath. But Edward's face was serious.

"You need to stop thinking with little Eddie man. I know your manhood was stomped on by 'that woman' but you gotta not just hop on board the next straight woman's train."

"Jazz, I really like her. She makes me question this shitty job I have; she makes me think I can do better, that I can be better. I want to get to know her, but believe me, little Eddie will not get in the way here. Can't I, you know, as a grown man, have the woman who holds the future of the company I work for in her tiny delicate little hands... Ah, I think I just answered my own question."

"You're screwed."

"Yup, totally and utterly screwed. I like her man; I really like her. You've got to keep me in line for the next four weeks. I don't want to fuck this up."

"I'm always your wingman. You're gonna have to get Emmett in on this too. He can help keep you two crazy kids in line as well. You really like her, don't you?"

"Yeah, and I need to convince her that this is a manageable situation, despite how screwed up it is."

"All right. Team meeting then. Operation Keep little Eddie under control it is."

Meanwhile Bella had called her own team meeting.

**BPOV**

"...and then Jasper walks in and he says something about not being able to breathe, and I turn into a child who just got caught with her hand stuck in the cookie jar." Bella had called her friends the moment she got into the car park and arranged for them to meet at her house for a debriefing that evening. She had hurriedly told them about her growing infatuation with the criminal she was supervising.

Rose took it well. There was no screaming or throwing of breakable items. This may have been attributed to the fact that Bella had come home and preempted Roses' reaction by clearing her living room of any potentially mobile objects.

"Bella, my love. My dear, dear friend." She paused for effect and leaned over to put her hand rather heavily on Bella's shoulder. "I know that when it comes to love you aren't all that experienced, so let me tell it to you straight. You cannot SCREW someone who has been court appointed to you to mind for four weeks." Bella blanched at the closeness and loudness of Roses' words, particularly the fact that Rose said a semi-swear word, which she chose to drop extra loudly.

"Down Rosie, down girl." Alice interjected on Roses' tirade.

"Bella darling, I love you, but this is bad, and it can only end ugly. Although from your description, bumping uglies with him probably wouldn't be so bad." Alice giggled to herself, and then stifled it when she saw Roses' face.

"Don't go encouraging her. Just because she gets a little wet in the panties doesn't mean she can just go running to the nearest bad boy and screw him!"

"I think it's kind of nice, the electricity that she obviously feels for this guy, the fact they can't keep their hands off each other, and the fact that they are both willing to wait out the four weeks and see where it goes."

"Alice, you read too many romance novels and books with vampires being in love with girls they shouldn't want, but against all odds, they get to have. Bella needs to keep her trousers on in this situation or she could lose her reputation and her livelihood."

"Hello… the sad pathetic woman you are talking about is still in the room." Bella looked at her friends and took a big gulp out of the large glass of wine that she had in front of her.

"I haven't ever felt this connection with anyone before and it's just a little too remarkable to just let it go. I need you guys to keep me in check; I need to have one of you with me chaperoning my ass because I'm likely to fuck up our business because my v-jay jay is doing my thinking... and maybe a little bit of my heart too..."

"She looks like one of those little puppies in the shelter window, doesn't she? You know, the one with the big brown eyes that you just can't say no to." Rose finally spoke a little gentler to her friend.

"I agree. She's like one of those golden retrievers."

"Yeah, they'll hump anything as well." Ok, so maybe Rose wasn't being gentler by anyone else's standards, but this was her backing down as much as she could.

"So we are agreed - supervision at all times and then after four weeks..."

"It's booty call time!"

"Shut the f-up Alice, you're not helping," Rose said, as she threw a cushion at Alice. Then they all picked up a glass and drank a little too enthusiastically.

~~OtA~~

**My Beta is beta'ing the heck outta this fic, love ya FicObsessed. Elaine67 continues to preread. She is the Shizzle too...**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6. Radio Radio...Elvis Costello.

**Stephenie Meyer owns it all, I just own massive university debt.**

~~OtA~~

**BPOV**

The 2am alarm did not hold as much dread as it normally did.

"It's Wednesday, its hump day..." she giggled to herself. Hump day.

No hump day, really. She would have two chaperones today, one chaperone on Thursday and the girls were all going to Vegas Thursday night to keep their eyes on her behavior.

She would try very hard to be a good girl.

She sang in the shower and didn't even curse the little four minute timer. She chose a very conservative outfit, her girls clearly hidden from view, and a pair of trousers that were a little Diane Keaton for her taste. Alice had chosen the outfit for her. Something along the lines of keeping her womanly bits covered and temptation at bay. No skirts, no dresses and no pretty underwear and pantyhose. Bella had tried to protest, but Rose had pulled one of her famous scowls and Bella had agreed to go along with Alice dressing her like a Grandma.

Even her clothes for Las Vegas had been picked and they were definitely low key. There would be no perv factor for four weeks. She was not allowed to invite temptation.

She drove to Rosalie's house and was met with an elegant but yawning blonde standing in her driveway.

"Fuck Bells, 2am wake-ups are not conducive to functioning correctly. I broke that bloody shower timer Alice gave us to remind us to be water conscious. Apparently, they don't like being thrown against bathroom tiles...go figure. Take me to your espresso machine, stat."

"Thanks Rose. I really appreciate you being here. We'll head through the Starbucks drive-through as soon as I pick up Alice."

A little groan emerged from Rose, who slowly turned to face Bella. She took a deep breath and said in the most even tone she could muster, "You do realize that Alice is a morning person. She's going to be way too chipper for me to tolerate. You know how much I love her but espresso first and then chipper little Alice. Please, I beg you."

"All right but you call her and tell her we'll be five minutes late. I don't want her standing outside her building and maybe getting smacked on the head by some psycho."

A quick detour to the drive-through and four minutes later they drove onto Alice's street. Pulling up at the front of her apartment, they saw Alice lying on the grass in the front garden.

"Oh shit, someone killed her!"

Bella opened the car door in a panic, and a serene Alice sat up.

"Aren't the stars just beautiful at this time of the morning? You so rarely get to see them; they must turn off enough lights in the city by now so that you can make out the Magellan clouds just beautifully," Alice said as she bounced into the car.

"One Chai Latte for the pixie stargazer," Bella handed Alice her coffee in the back seat.

"Morning Rosie!"

"Grrr."

"Hmmm, I keep forgetting that you aren't a morning person. Let's get this show on the road."

Bella and Rose preferred to drive in silence. Alice preferred to talk like a hyperactive chipmunk, pointing out things like a distracted little child in the back seat. Bella was blissfully aware of her musical-like little voice behind her, chattering away. Rose was barely containing herself, but as each minute passed caffeine was making its way into her bloodstream and she was starting to come to for the morning.

Bella buzzed the security button on the garage door and they made their way under the building.

"We go in for the pre-show meeting first, veto anything vulgar and then the show goes live."

As Bella introduced her friends to the room of the usual suspects, Jasper moved some extra seats in for the additional attendees.

The meeting went better than Bella expected, although it became obvious why she was the one chosen from their law firm to keep Edward in check.

Alice had an unconventional and slightly perverted sense of humor. Rosie was conservative...ultra conservative. Alice had once dropped the c-bomb and she almost needed to be resuscitated. Rose had not been able to look Alice in the eye for a week. Alice had to buy Rose a Burberry scarf and promise never to say the term ever again. Bella couldn't remember if there was a semi-legal document involved either, but the friendship had been repaired.

In reality, Alice would never have pushed the yellow button and Rose would have pushed it like she was typing out a telegraph message. Being even-tempered and mellow when it came to humor, Bella was the girl for the job. Bella spent much of the meeting restraining Rose's arm, kicking her and talking over her whenever she heard Rose release yet another exasperated or shocked sigh next to her.

She also spent the rest of the meeting stopping Alice from giggling and clapping (yes, clapping) as the writers went through various storyboards for the day.

She may have kicked Alice once or twice. She also had to put her hand on Alice's knee to stop her from bouncing around like a hyper puppy.

But all this distraction actually helped her in her target for the day. Do not perv, do not touch, and do not engage in conversation the with object of her desire.

**EPOV**

Thank the heavens that Bella had bought her wingmen in with her today.

Jasper and Emmett were keeping a more diligent eye on him, and in turn he was trying to keep a less diligent eye on Bella. She had these slightly baggy pants on that hid her curves and a jacket that stayed buttoned up even as she sat down… in the chair furthest from his, he noted. Her hair pulled up in a professional and slightly stand-offish way. Her whole outfit screamed "DO NOT PERV!" Yet he couldn't help but notice how he could see the line of her neck, her little diamond earrings sparkling in the lights, calling attention to earlobes just begging to be kissed... Oh shit, he had it bad.

So he focused on the show, trying to kick in his gross alter-ego. Tits, bums and boobs...tits, bums and boobs...he was getting in character...albeit slowly. The accent appeared only fifteen minutes before the show. This girl was making him loose his unprofessional and obnoxious touch. Or maybe it was the rather vicious looking blonde that sat beside her. This was one woman he didn't want to piss off. She looked like she knew how to kick a guy in the nuts. The little hyperactive ball of enthusiasm was Alice. He knew this because Jasper must have said her name ten times in the first thirty minutes of meeting her until Edward pointed it out.

"She's cute."

"Do you want me to pass her a note in hall room to ask if she thinks you're cute too?"

"Fuck you, Ed."

"Fuck you, my friend. You are in the same boat as me...pick a chick who will get this company in less shit can you?"

"Could you do the same, my friend?"

"No, I can't because I have it bad. I got you and Emmett to be my bouncers but so far you're sucking at it."

"Duly noted comrade. However, I'm letting you know that after walking in on you two yesterday I'm concerned I won't be able to get it up anymore, you freak."

"Shut up Whitlock."

"Yes sir..." Jasper saluted his friend, turning it into the bird as he lowered his hand.

"Did your mother teach you that one?"

"Ah…there's my antagonistic little Yankee. So glad your fucking accent turned up man...were you keeping it with your balls?" Emmett added to the conversation as he entered the room.

"Wow, if I didn't have you two assholes to keep me grounded what would I do?" Edward smacked the hulking beast that was Emmett in the back of the head.

"Let's get this show on the road. At least we have some great gossip to keep the show nasty and tasteless. Who would have thought we could come up with new ass jokes this early in the morning?"

The morning hands-in and cheer was conducted and then he was live...on the air, and in mighty fine form.

Something about having the additional heightened risk of being yellow-buttoned sent him into an obnoxious frenzy. He could see through the producers window that Rose was bouncing up and down and it wasn't out of excitement like little Alice. At one stage he actually saw that Bella was physically restraining Rose and pointing her finger at her. He thought he saw Bella slapping Rose's hand at one stage as well, like a mother does to a child who is about to go for another cookie...

"...and in Australia they look like they are going to have a hung parliament... Just like in Britain. Can Australia not set any trends themselves? Get this…they have a political party called the Sex party. I am very interested to see what their platform was...platform shoes and strippers poles in every home...and speaking of class, Lindsay Lohan - Day 12 Rehab watch..."

**BPOV**

Edward was back into his usual vulgar form. The general manager, Aro, walked in the booth towards the end of the show, clutching some papers that obviously were advertisements that they had booked and he was high fiving and patting on the back everyone in the room. He gave Rose, Bella and Alice a wide berth, probably realizing too late that he should have kept his enthusiasm for Edward's return to form down to a minimum. It was obvious that money and ratings were the only two things he cared about.

She had had to physically man handle Rose during the show as she was getting increasingly edgy that the FCC didn't allow her to "yellow button" some of the more common vulgarities in the English language. Alice seemed to enjoy watching Rose and Bella wrestle, and unfortunately she was giggling throughout the show. This seemed to aggravate Rose even more, who was muttering under her breath something about Burberry scarves and strangling.

And finally they were lead to the climax of the day - the team meeting with Bella and her associates and Edward with his.

The production room was cleared after the show wrap-up meeting and Alice, Bella and Rose respectively, sat on the opposite of the long side of the table from Jasper, Edward and Emmett.

Jasper spoke first.

"Ladies, it seems we have a problem with two of our key members who appear to be unable to keep their hands off each other. So we are all in agreement that some arrangement needs to be made to keep this, er…association on the up and up so that our company doesn't become involved in further legal proceedings and financial punishments, and your company doesn't lose its reputation."

Rose rapidly agreed. "Financially and legally I believe that both parties are in agreement that this situation needs to be vetoed immediately. Unfortunately, the court order directives indicate that Isabella is the representative from our firm and she has been given the role of supervising the court ordered sanctions. Alice or I could step in at this point, but there would be paperwork that would need to be filed, and in all likelihood, by the time this made it to a judge, the court supervision time would have been completed, and our filing would raise questions about the validity of the supervision that occurred. Obviously, this is not the resolution that your firm wants, nor ours."

Emmett pushed some papers towards Rosie. "Here is the schedule of shows for the next week and a half and the schedule that has been arranged with the shelter for Edward to work at. The biggest risk that I can identify is the Vegas show on Friday, given that we will all be booked into the same hotel for security purposes. The hours at the shelter have some additional security requirements, meaning that neither Jasper nor I will have clearance in time to supervise Edward in addition to Miss Swan's supervision, so this will be up to you to arrange this time period."

Alice interceded."Rosie, I mean Miss Hale, and I will be able to monitor Isabella and Mr. Cullen during the community service component. As for Vegas, well…we can keep them apart during the visit except for the show, obviously. Do we have to supervise the kids after hours here in Seattle or can you behave yourselves?"

The weird sensation occurring in the room had not gone unnoticed by all members of the group. Edward was intensely trying to avoid making eye contact with Bella.

Bella was trying equally hard not to make eye contact with Edward.

The pair of them were, in a word, pathetic. They kept catching each other's eyes; Bella was in full blush mode and Edward was developing a light nervous sheen on his forehead. Bella was fiddling with her hands under the table and Edward was banging out Morse-code with his bouncing knee. In addition, there was a strange vibe brewing within the room.

Alice unfortunately realized what it was first, and failed, as usual, to use her brain-to-mouth filter.

"It's like two animals in heat..." she said, her eyes wide as she looked between Bella and Edward.

Jasper laughed. "You should have seen what I walked in on the other day. I thought I was going to have to get a hose or something."

Even Rose managed to raise her eyebrow and put in her two cents worth. "We need to bottle the pheromones. For the love of Jebus Bella, stop twitching your hands around. We get it, you like him, you can't help it. Just don't jump over the table or anything because I can take you, woman."

Emmett didn't want to be left out. "Do we need to have buckets of cold water available at all times? Edward keep your bloody leg still man, you're like a rabid dog. Three weeks and you're all clear."

"Emmett," Rose interjected. "They can't hook up for months or better a year or so. If this gets out we are done, our credibility goes out the window. We don't condone your organization's behavior, and to put it simply, we are the antitheses of everything you are. We are altruistic, we defend the defenseless and we rely on our successful side-work to keep our charitable interests going. This (she waved about her hands between Edward and Bella) puts it all in jeopardy. Bella, you can't ever have a relationship with this man, not if you want to keep the shelter going."

Bella and Edward both came to life, bolting upright.

"Enough! It isn't even known out in the community what my real name is. I can walk out of here as Edward and hold my head up high." Edward was breathing rapidly. He didn't want to miss the opportunity to get to know Bella. That would be completely unacceptable.

"I would disagree, Edward. Did you not see the protestors outside the studio this morning? Aro said that they were outside any affiliate who was playing your radio show. It won't take too long for them to figure out that this station is the one transmitting the show, and that with all the cars coming in and out, someone will know someone in the DMV who is willing to leak an address or a license picture. The days of your anonymity are nearly over my friend."

Bella looked rather pale. She couldn't take him to a fundraising event. She couldn't be seen with him in public. She understood the gravity of the situation at last.

And so did Edward.

~~OtA~~

**Thanks to FicObsessed and Elaine67. I wish I had Beta's and Prereaders for all of my life conversations, because then I wouldn't need to rely on my brain to mouth filter which is set on #fail most times...**


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7. On My Radio : Selector - from the Ska Revival of the late 70's

**Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight...all Isobel owns is an awesome beta! ;-)**

~~OtA~~

**EPOV**

Thankfully, Edward spoke up first.

"I think we may be jumping the gun here. Bella and I haven't even had our first date yet, so maybe we aren't all that compatible. But I do know I damn well want the opportunity to do so and we'll just work that out when the time comes. Meanwhile, don't go setting the wedding date just yet." He turned and dipped his face down to meet Bella's, catching her eyes, giving her one of his crooked smiles.

She cleared her throat.

"Rose is right Edward." Her voice became quite small. "Us, this can't happen. You're the bad guy Edward and you should stay away from me. You're no good for me."

She watched Edward's face harden.

"Very well. So glad this is settled. Moot point and all, at present. Girl shoots down guy in front of wingmen and wing-er-women and he understands. He'll keep to himself from now on." Edward rose, knocking the wheeled chair towards the wall where Bella was certain that it had left a dent.

"Your monkey squad can probably stay away now; this guy can take a hint!" Edward stormed out the door and could be heard knocking objects over as he went to his office, the door slamming hard behind him.

Emmett was infuriated. He looked at Rose and at Alice and then said in a low, authoritative voice. "He is a decent guy. A really decent guy. This character he has to play, DJ EC, is an amalgamation of the worst shit that we can come up with, for entertainment. He is our front man, he risks his life when we do the outside broadcasts - he got stabbed in the arm once by a crazed fan, all because of some comment we made him say on air. He is intelligent and kind and if that isn't good enough for you to look past our character that we created then you have issues. All of you." Emmett got up to leave.

Rose stood up at the same time, speaking quickly before Emmett could exit. "Perhaps we should have some discussions about the logistics with all of this, and we can arrange the next few weeks. Bella will need to have a schedule to avoid him. I don't want her in any compromising situations with him, good or bad, in the coming weeks. We'll have a discussion together about how this continues afterwards. I guess we can work on a plan B if those two decide to get together then."

"You don't need a plan B Rose, I'll behave myself. Plus right now, I think he hates my guts. I think we just need to be adults about this and get it over and done with. Regardless of his personal character Emmett, Jasper, I think any relationship will just be professional. That's my last word. It will never go any further; I can't hurt my friends' income because I get a little flustered over a boy." She stood up, nodded a farewell to Emmet and Jasper and turned to Alice and Rose. "I'll be waiting in the car. Text me when you're ready."

She walked past Edward's office, noticing that the heavily slammed door appeared to be intact. She had an idea and she walked to reception, trying to remember the bubbly brunette's name.

"Hey, Jessica?" The brunette stood up to speak to her, her curls dancing around her head as it bobbled like one of those toys you see sitting in a 1950's car. Her twinset cardigan was a little too tight over her ample breasts for Bella's liking.

"Yes Miss Swan, how can I help you?"

"Just wondering if I could borrow a computer for a few minutes?"

"Yes of course - Lauren has gone on break, you can borrow hers. There is a generic log in which is here," Jessica handed Bella a slip of paper. Bella came around the desk, logged in, did what she needed and then asked Jessica if she could deliver a message to Mr. Cullen for her. Jessica nodded and handed Bella an envelope that was resealable.

"Could you give it to him immediately, it's very important."

By this stage Lauren had returned, looking very nervous to see a lawyer was sitting at her desk. She looked slightly antsy as Bella returned the seat to her.

"I don't go on Facebook much!" Bella look quizzically at Lauren.

"It's ok, I was just logging in to check something, but I would suggest you stay off Facebook during company time, there are some bad precedents being set out there for indiscreet employees." Lauren nodded her head in agreement, her posture indicating that she was pleased that her covert use of the company computer wasn't about to be ratted out by a lawyer.

Bella walked to her car, hopeful that Edward would understand her motives and go along with her idea. She sat in her car and waited for her friends. And for her iPhone to beep.

**EPOV**

"Rose is right Edward." Her voice became quite small. "Us, this can't happen. You're the bad guy Edward and you should stay away from me. You're no good for me."

He had enough of women telling him wasn't any good for them. Tanya had spat out a similar line. Something about him being insensitive to her needs. He had reacted badly, something about wing-people and going down in flames. It didn't matter. He was obviously not meant to act on any feelings he had for any woman any more. Even slamming his door had not offered relief, and he now felt quite sheepish about his behavior.

"You are a fucking girl, Mr. Cullen. A big, fat, fucking girl." No one in his office talked back to him to discredit his statement.

He logged into his computer and started to answer some long overdue emails, arranging his calendar, and in general avoiding walking out in the hallway where he might run into that other woman. Tanya and Bella could be a matching pair of women who had both rejected him. Tanya had at least had the courtesy not to do so in front of his friends.

A small knock set him further on edge, just as he was winding down.

He opened the door, but instead of the brunette he was avoiding recently being at the door, it was another brunette, one that he had been avoiding long term for the last six months, standing with an envelope.

"It's a message for you, Mr. Cullen." He thanked Jessica and closed the door in gently in her face. It was rather revolting how she punctuated the words "Mr. Cullen" with little thrusts of her breasts.

He opened the envelope, which was sealed and pulled out a small slip of paper.

He read:

I'm not very good at being devious...but for you I am willing to give it a go. Juliette (at) hotmail(dot)com

He hastily went to his computer. It took a few moments to set up a hotmail account and he entered in his response.

From: Dodgy Romeo

To: Juliette

Subject: Nice mind game

Date: 24 August 2010 09:56:40 AM

To Juliette,

Nice. Had me going. Remind me to tell you why I don't trust women anymore. Does this mean what I think it means?

Dodgy Romeo.

He sat and waited for her response. Trying very hard not to smile.

~~OtA~~

**I know another quickie. I just wanted things to be right between them. I like happy endings. Waiting for The University of Edward Masen to update. Love that story. And MOTU II is out as well... Good story line with kink thrown in, something for all of us to aspire to...**

**I am gonna be sitting in my dining room and working on some uni stuff. Just had to get this out of my head.**

**Reviews bleep on my iPhone and make me stop doing uni and start writing more chapters...To my reviewers so far...Many thanks- especially elaine67, because she knew someone who voted for the sex party! Thanks FicObsessed for the awesome Beta job, the story makes sense now I hope!**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: On the Radio- Regina Spektor

**Hi all. Thank you to everyone for continuing to indulge me by reading my ramblings.**

**As usual and for all chapters Stephenie Meyer owns the characters. I own the Barbie dolls of Jacob, Bella and Edward...but I let my daughter play with them...**

~~OtA~~

**BPOV**

She jumped the minute that her iPhone beeped to let her know she had received an email. She waited until she parked her car in her garage before allowing herself to read his message. He had looked so crestfallen when she said that he wasn't right for her, she only hoped that he understood her actions.

She smiled at his email and did a little uncoordinated mini-jump in the air. She giggled to herself and was grateful that the automatic garage door had made its decent already. Just what she needed was for the neighbors to see her jumping for joy for no obvious reason in her garage. She raced up the stairs, made her way into her apartment, quickly grabbed her Macbook and woke it up out of its little nap.

From: Juliette

To: Dodgy Romeo

Subject: re: Nice mind game

Date: 24 August 2010 10:37:40 AM

Dear Romeo,

Well, I figure we can at least email and get to know each other without this irrational physical attraction between us getting in the way - don't you agree?

Ok. Twenty Questions.

Favorite cartoon?

Juliette

**EPOV**

It took her nearly 40 minutes to respond. Edward guessed she was driving home. He had set up his new email account on his iPhone and was heading out the door for the day as well. He had a lot to do, including wiping the stupid smile off his face so that his co-workers would still think he was pissed at Miss Swan. He found that task relatively difficult. When his iPhone alerted him to an incoming email, he had to control himself so that he didn't look at it immediately, like Pavlov's dog and the food bell. He was literally on edge when he checked the email, sending a response immediately to her. He liked instant gratification and hoped that she would get the hint.

From: Dodgy Romeo

To: Juliette

Subject: I prefer spin the bottle myself, but here goes twenty questions

Date: 24 August 2010 10:40:56 AM

Dear J,

I like the irrational physical attraction. I like the legs and the boobs the most.

I also like Toy Story 2, and am pretty partial to Phineas and Ferb. They play episodes of it early in the morning when I am getting ready to head into work. Something about not getting caught out by the sister seems to be fitting for our situation don't you think?

Ok, Your favorite cartoon and favorite brand of lingerie?

R

From: Juliette

To: Dodgy Romeo

Subject: Spin the bottle is too dangerous!

Date: 24 August 2010 10:48:40 AM

Dear R,

Interesting that you picked a boyish cartoon - I note that Toy Story is one of the only kid movies where the mother doesn't die. What is it with these big companies killing off the mother? Ice Age...Mother drowns; Bambi...Mother dies; Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs...mother dies... Having said that, I am fond of Finding Nemo. Yep, the mother dies, but Ellen DeGeneres as a forgetful fish...priceless. I haven't ever watched Phineas and Ferb, but I will Google it immediately and see what I can find. I guess my favorite everyday cartoon would be South Park. I know, so inappropriate for me, being a lawyer and all, but for the first few years that it came out, Alice said "God dammit" like Cartman and it freaked Rose out so much that she developed this raging hatred for swearing.

Favorite lingerie? Hmmm, I like Target underwear. Comfy and cute. Pink preferably, the t-shirt bra kind...

Ok next question, seeing as I can't ask you about lingerie. Favorite holiday?

J

Edward tapped out his response as quickly as he received hers.

From: Dodgy Romeo

To: Juliette

Subject: Not if it's done right!

Date: 24 August 2010 10:48:40 AM

Dear J,

I never thought about the mother figure carnage in modern cartoon movies before. Duly noted. Disney obviously started the killing off the mother trend-maybe he had mother issues. I mean it's rumored the guy had his body cryogenically frozen, so he has some issues anyway!

Speaking about lingerie...Target? Man, I love that girl next door underwear...so sexy and understated. Plus from what I understand, frilly bras are only for the boudoir - you can't wear them under clothes because they show...

R

The emails went back and forth and five hours later he had confessed to being a boxers man, he was nervous about flying, had scars on his knees and elbows from his brief "stuntman" period in his early teens, his favorite color was now brown (like her eyes) and that he paid $200 a month to have his hair cut to look like it wasn't.

He did not ask her the questions that he wanted to ask, like when could they go on a date, did she like seafood because he knew a kick-ass seafood restaurant, or did she mind the dark because he wanted to take her on the Seattle underground tour? He wanted to ask her how many children she wanted and where she might like to go on a honeymoon. He wanted to know what her favorite sexual position was (please say on top, please say on top), and wondered if her skin tasted like strawberries, because she sure as hell smelled like she would.

**BPOV**

Bella learned that she wanted to know him more. His emails showed a gentler side to him than she had expected. She was pleased to find out that he was a boxer man, but she did not tell him this, nor the fact that she was glad because it meant he was more fertile. She wondered how many kids he wanted, if he wanted them at all.

She laughed when he told her about his expensive, but inexpensive looking hairdo (do men have hairdo's?). They compared childhood war stories and laughed about how she wound up with a sizable scar near her woo-hoo due to some tree climbing (and no she could not climb like a monkey, which was what Alice had declared she should because of her size). He had offered to piggy back her up trees if she so desired in future, because he did not want her to damage her woo-hoo anymore than she had.

She also didn't mention that no one had ever, er "damaged" her woo-hoo before either. She wasn't sure how she would manage to mention that little gem of information.

It might require him divulging something equally as embarrassing.

They had written to each other for several hours and she felt a weariness settling in to her body. She emailed to say she was going to have a nap, which lead to some rather interesting insinuations about how she slept, that also lead to the promise of some "virtual" good night kisses.

That afternoon her dreams were filled with the notion of a new found relationship, along with a heavy dose of pornographic content that came from being so sexually frustrated that she couldn't just grab what she wanted.

But three weeks and a few days and she could bonk his brains out. If only she knew how...

~~OtA~~

**Thanks to all my readers...You might be happy (I guess?) to know that I have actually finished my Masters! I will never ever ever study again. Although my friends are pushing me to do my doctorate. I am thinking about it, purely for the fact my surname actually rhymes with "Doctor" and you know how much I enjoy a good laugh...**


	9. Chapter 9

On the Air. Chapter 9. FM-no static at all. Steely Dan

**Stephenie Meyer is the literary genius behind Twilight. Just in case you had been living under a rock for the last several years. I am not so much of a literary genius, but I have been eager to get this chapter to you. I wonder if you will like it? Amazing Steely Dan fact at the end.**

~~OtA~~

**BPOV**

Covert operations were not a part of Bella's repertoire. When she had mentioned to Edward during their emailing the previous day that lying and deceit were things that a) she was morally opposed to and b) her moral opposition didn't matter as her ability to lie was rather pathetic.

Edward had suggested meeting in person prior to the show and running through the scenario that they had come up with to see if they could pull off the great "hate-fest" that should have been occurring, given his hissy fit from the day previously.

Bella had arrived at the studio extraordinarily early for their meeting. Interestingly, she learned that the studio was unmanned at night during the "graveyard" shift. Apart from the security checking the building externally at night, no one was at the radio station from 10:30pm until their motley morning crew turned up at 3am. The night show was transmitted from an affiliate station.

With Edward's help she was now working hard at controlling her facial expressions, most of which involved ensuring that her tongue wasn't absentmindedly licking her lips and that her eyes weren't widening as he moved around the room. He in turn was attempting to be an insulting jackass to try and set the scene.

He was littering his sentences with the word "Ms." making its intonation of harshness every time he uttered it. She wasn't particularly good at hiding the fact that she now found this kind of cute.

"Oh bloody hell love, you're just lapping this shit up. Bite back, get shitty, say something! When you first walked in here you were all 'behave yourself' and now you are all 'oh that's so sweet, say it again'. If I didn't know better, I would say that you were one of those birds who hears an accent and falls apart."

Bella bit her lip and tried not to make it obvious that yes, indeed, she was a sucker for an accent.

"Oh shit, you're an accent sucker? Crap. So I could just drag you into the booth and use all of my British charm and I would be in your panties in minutes?"

"You would not!" She was aware that "minutes" was probably overstating exactly how short a period it would take for her to get her naked. Not that she had been naked for anyone before.

She raised her chin. "All right Prince Charming, 2 minutes in the studio booth and I will demonstrate my resolve."

"All right Princess, you're on."

Bella tried not to move at an alarming pace to get to the booth. The fact she once again tripped on the carpet softener did little to disprove Edward's theories about her eagerness.

She looked at her watch.

"Your two minutes starts...now."

"Ok love, let me show you around here...This control panel allows me to cut off any caller who I don't feel is meeting my, or the shows, needs." Bella looked into his green eyes. The way he uttered the word "needs" sent little shivers up her spine.

"These buttons here, which I can push at will, controls the music and the callers, especially the female callers. I like to let them have a bit of a run before cutting them off just when they think they've got me."

She hoped her swallowing wasn't the large gulping sound that she knew it to be.

"This here is my microphone." He motioned to the rather impressive looking equipment hovering over the table.

She gave in and decided to play along. "Hmmm, it's not as big as I thought it would be."

"Oh, Bella. Dear, sweet Bella. It's not about the size; it's about the quality, the resonance, and the sounds that it is capable of producing..."

"Oh fuck it!" She pounced on him. Who would have thought that a few phallic suggestions would have her wound up this tight? His mouth was sensational; not hard, not soft, but a perfect fit for her own. His long fingers ran up and down her back and through her hair. The sensation was unbelievable. Her woo-hoo was starting to feel a little woo-hooish.

"Your mouth is so fucking amazing." She smiled up at him and continued to kiss his amazing, talented, sexy looking mouth. She was a goner. No doubt about it.

"I can't keep away from you. I can't keep up this sham. I need you Edward, right here, right now." She moved her hips up and pressed into him. She could feel his, err, microphone through his jeans.

"Is that a microphone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

"It's a bit bigger than the microphone I showed you before, love." She stood back, a little startled.

"You know, maybe I should do a sound check on it before the show, just to test the quality of this resonance that you speak of." Edward inhaled sharply at her suggestion. She felt a little braver knowing she could have this effect on him.

"So, do I just blow on it, and say 'testing, testing, one, two , three', baby?" She slowly started to unzip his trousers.

"Or do I smack it a bit to check if it is working?" Just as she was about to touch his microphone a loud knocking startled her.

"Bella, wake up, you have babysitting duty."

She opened her eyes, feeling slightly discombobulated by her surroundings. She had fallen asleep in her car in the garage of the station.

Rosalie was now knocking on her window.

Her woo-hoo had the feint remnants of a something occurring. She cursed Rosalie under her breath and opened the car door. Ready to face him...

~~OtA~~

**I will try for a weekly update now, just depends on my schedule (Ha! I have finished uni...I have a life now!).**

**The band name "Steely Dan" is actually named after a strap on dildo called Steely Dan in the book "The Naked Lunch". This is the only amazing fact that my husband knows that I actually listened to.**


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10 Life is a Rock... but the Radio Rolled Me - Reunion (1974- a good year)

**I know the last chapter was a tease. I can't wait for them to have their happy ending. But this will have more twists and turns than a P!nk concert, so strap in.**

**Stephenie Meyer owns all the Twilight gaff. I own Twilight stuff too, and in particular am proud of my New Moon mousepad.**

~~OtA~~

**BPOV**

It's hard to remain angry at Rosalie. It's not her fault that she interrupted possibly 'the' best sex dream that she had ever had. Rosalie tended to cock block most men, and now she had managed to do it in her friend's dreams.

Bella breathed in deeply and tried to remember the plan that she and Edward had come up with the night before. The plan where he would irritate her for the entirety of the shift, and hope that all of their respective wing-people would be sucked into the charade that was hopefully the 'Bellaward' fight of the century, all while maintaining the level of decorum required so that Edward could successfully meet his court ordered requirements.

Bella noted that Edward was wearing his ski-mask and was in full 'Shockward' mode from the moment she entered the staff meeting room.

"Well, if it isn't Ms. Swan. How are you this morning, Ms. Swan? Breaking hearts and taking names, or is it too early for that?" His voice was emphasizing the 'Ms.' within his sentences, just like it had in her dream. She may have blushed a little at the thought.

She was glad his beautiful face was hidden by the angry fluorescent green ski-mask. Somehow it helped create the illusion that was required for the masquerade to continue. His gentle green eyes were still there, all the more green for the bizarre color choice in headgear for the morning. It was like natures warning signal ' I am pretty, but most likely poisonous, so eat me at your peril.' "

Edward was maintaining his redneck accent. Given the dream she just had, she was eternally grateful. She was likely to jump him if he called her 'Love'.

She shook herself out of her reverie and attempted to give her best cool or cold response to his morning greeting.

"Oh, it's far too early to be breaking hearts, but continue on like a jackass and I'm more than happy to take your name straight to the judge. After all, that is what I am here for isn't it Mr. EC?" Lying wasn't easy for her. She was certain she was looking slightly fake and equally certain that her bitch brow was twitching in amusement.

"I have some awesome suggestions for the Vegas show tomorrow. Let's find the oldest virgin in Vegas; the winner will get set him with a hooker and get his cherry popped courtesy of the show." He glared at her, daring her to respond to his suggestion.

Bella didn't have to fake a shocked reaction.

She had a lot of inner turmoil regarding her virginity. She had almost lost it twice now, but due to issues of her partners at the time - one finally breaking down and admitting to being gay just as they were about to do the act (apparently she didn't come equipped with a gaydar) and the second involved a rather serious reaction to some massage oil that he had bought.

Either way, her only memories and sexual experience involved counseling the now gay Eric, providing him with tissues and the name of the moisturizing cream that she used to keep her skin so soft, and of the only thing being swollen on Mike was his face and his hands from the oil he had purchased to attempt to massage her to soften her up for the event. He hadn't been able to look her in the eye since, let alone attempt to complete the transaction that was midway through occurring.

She must have been looking slightly freaked out about the turn of events that Edward was now contemplating, enough for Rosalie to stand in and make due comment about the inappropriateness of the suggestion, but that, in fact, it wasn't outside of the court ordered restrictions, and could be a part of the show.

Bella made herself as small as she could in the corner of the room and hoped that no one would notice. She often wondered if she smelled of virgin. She had been relatively okay about her status, given that she felt she was a good person doing good things. She hoped that she would find somebody who loved her who would do the deed of taking away her virtue, and now that potential somebody was making the suggestion that virginity was something worth mocking on national radio. She wondered how old this wayward Vegas virgin was, and sincerely hoped that they were significantly older than her, so that her patheticness, if that was even a word, would be diminished somehow.

"Can't you just do something like, I don't know, Katy Perry kissing a girl drawn out of a raffle, or put Perry in peril or something like that?" She looked around the room at the odd facial expressions on Edward's staffers.

"I just think the virgin thing is kind of offensive, given that some people are virgins and you don't want the message sent out to religious groups that the radio station is condoning getting someone's err 'cherry' popped as a radio stunt. They want sex to be about love and commitment and this is just kind of gross." She turned to see Rosalie's face looking slightly pained, and she hoped that everyone didn't realize that sadly she was currently holding onto her 'V' card despite her attempts at losing it.

Edward seemed to sense that something was wrong and he stepped forward, appearing as though he was going to comfort her.

Aro interrupted. "Its God-danged genius! You got the lawyer girl all skittish about it, and her other lawyer friend says legally it's a go.. It offends, is perfectly legal, and absolutely stuntworthy at the same time. I wonder if I can get some condom sponsorship and maybe a brothel sponsorship as well...genius!" Aro walked out of the room, oblivious to Bella's suggestion and disapproval.

She glared at Edward. "Ok, go ahead, do your disgusting little stunt. Yep, it's legal, but it's morally just, it's just...its ick". Ick? What happened to her bloody law degree, where the best moral argument that she could come up with was the word ick?

She decided just to go and sit at the control panel, cross her little arms and keep her mouth shut. She wasn't finding it difficult to pretend that she didn't secretly have issues with Edward that morning.

The show went by without her needing to push the little yellow button. She was internally fuming at the disgusting show that she would have to bear witness to the following day. Edward had stayed away from her, not engaging her in conversation at all, and she in turn ignored him. Maybe she smelled like a fuming virgin? Either way, they had successfully gotten through the shift without altercation or adulteration.

Edward and Bella refrained from their usual post production debrief, keeping it strictly professional and amongst the show staffers. She had little to comment in the post show discussion and only vaguely listened to Aro prattle on about tomorrows show. Somehow he had secured advertising from a prominent condom company, a brothel and a hotel willing to put up a room for anyone who declared they were a virgin for the weekend.

Bella felt disgusted with the situation, and was now having difficulties in separating the cute Edward that she had emailed extensively the day prior with jackass boy who makes crock suggestions such as the one she heard this morning. This was what he got paid the big bucks for; she couldn't change the thoughts in his head.

Once inside the garage, Rosalie put her arm around her friend and tried to offer comfort.

"Oh sweetie, your little face. You poor thing, that was just awful. It's not about you honey, it's about the shock value of some really old guy being a virgin. You're young; it's not wrong to be one if you are a girl. Really honey, it's okay. I like your morals."

"Rose, it isn't my morals. I'm just freaked out about it. What happens the next time I'm with someone and we attempt to do it? Am I so cursed that the poor bastard is going to keel over with a coronary if we attempt to do the wild thing?"

"Oh honey, your first time isn't the wild thing. Your first time is a messy, embarrassing and brief thing. You will find Mr. Right eventually. He's probably one of those doctors working in a little clinic, looking after homeless people for free. The pair of you will have little activists who go marching against poverty and wood-chipping, and save dolphins on your holidays. You will be happy little do-gooders together."

She smiled at Rosalie's sentiment. Most likely she would wind up with Edward, he being a public jackass, and she defending him full-time in courts for all of the half baked ideas he came up with on a daily basis.

"Maybe Rose, but tomorrow is going to be awful and I don't think I can stop myself from pushing the little button and making all this shit go away. I hate being the uptight grown-up in this situation."

"I know. But Alice and I will both be there. You concentrate on stopping her from laughing and mocking the old virgin guy and egging on Edward. And you can also stop me from throttling the living daylights out of the jerk. It will be fine. You'll be so busy stopping the pair of us from killing Edward or each other that you won't even notice the bad man's show. Now let's get ourselves into gear. Alice was making her way over to your house after lunch and our flight leaves at two. Long weekend in Vegas honey - who knows you might even lose your V-card."

Bella secretly wished that Rose was right.

~~OtA~~

** You can follow me on twitter, I'm MissIzbels. You can follow my beta if you'd like as well, she's FicObsessed. Please be kind and write a review. Thanks to elaine67 for her prereading- nice to know I make someone laugh.**

**This story will remain ridiculous and light hearted. The reason for this is that life is just too tough to be taken seriously.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11.**Atmospherics (Listen to the Radio) - Tom Robbinson

**Needless to say, but have to say it anyway, Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I own probably half the bathroom in my mortgaged house.**

~~OtA~~

**EPOV**

He had come to work early that day so that he could get into DJ EC mode. It took him a full hour and a half to access his inner jerk. He couldn't have her seeing him as anything but a jackass if their plan was to work.

He had thought of the worst, yet legal, stunt for the Vegas show. Actually, he hadn't really come up with it himself. In a bid to not think about Bella at bedtime, he had put on some cable and 'Forty Year Old Virgin' was the movie that was playing. One thing lead to another, and eventually his evil mind had plotted the vulgar stunt for Vegas. Just what Aro would want.

Yet he regretted it almost instantly when he saw the genuine look of hurt upon Bella's face. He had reached out to her and Rose had instantly stepped in, while Bella retreated into the corner of the room. He had watched how she had made herself smaller, like she was trying to blend in with the wall. He wanted to pull a Swayze and tell everyone that "nobody puts Baby in a corner," but he soon realized that the reason she was hiding was because of his evil inner twin and his asshole ideas.

He had walked to his office after the show, running his fingers through his hair in an almost OCD fashion. He closed his office door and put his head on the desk.

He really was a jackass.

When he had first walked in on Tanya and her girlfriend he had been beyond mortified. Tanya had been his first. His first girlfriend and his first time. He was scared of getting back on the horse and putting himself out there again. After all, he had turned one girl gay, who was to say that he wouldn't do that to his second girlfriend? And now it would appear he had an even bigger hurdle to jump over when he got back on the horse. (Where are all these horse ideas coming from? Maybe because he was hung like one?) Bella was a virgin. She couldn't be more than 25 and he guessed that was acceptable. He had been 22 when he had fucked Tanya for the first time. He would never call it making love. They had had sex and Tanya had made it fairly clear that Edward was not the first love of her life. She really was in love with the woman she had chosen to cheat on Edward with.

What had Tanya said? Oh that's right- "She makes me feel like a real woman." Now not only did he have to deal with the PTSD of walking in on Tanya, but he also had to deal with Bella being a virgin. He wondered if he would ever be able to get it up again.

He quickly started an email to her trying to explain why he had chosen that particular idea, but he thought better of it. How do you say to someone you have just started to have a connection with that you think it's okay that they're a virgin? Did that mean that everyone in the room had the same idea that this lovely intelligent woman was also virtuous? Oh dear God, did that mean that they all thought that she was probably frigid and maybe gay as well? And why were his thoughts rambling in such a way?

So he decided against the idea of emailing her, because most likely, no good would actually come of it.

**BPOV**

She waited for his email. Just something, anything, to justify this genuinely asshole idea that he had come up with for Vegas.

She had absolutely cringed during the show when he had announced the location for the show the following day and also made requests for Vegas' finest male virgins to make their way to the outdoor location at 5 am to see who would be the lucky prize winner of a date with the V-card police. Her finger had hovered over the little yellow button. Rosalie had shaken her head and her hand had slowly retreated. Shit, if Rosalie didn't think it was a yellow button moment, then it most definitely wasn't.

She had packed the remaining items for her weekend away and took her precious cat to her neighbors Siobhan and Liam. They had cooed over her furry little boy and she knew he would be in good hands for the next few days. They had jokingly told her that "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, unless it's on HD video, then it goes straight to Facebook!" She had laughed at her well meaning friends. Nothing was likely to happen in Vegas. Her V-card had unfortunately been shown for everyone to see and she now had to suffer the consequences.

She walked back to her house, locked the last few windows and made sure that the electrical items were turned off. She checked her iPhone and emails while she waited for Rosalie and Alice to pick her up for the trip to the airport.

Alice arrived first.

"Holler if you're going to Vegas," was her cheerful cry as she let herself in the front door.

Bella managed the expected response "Woo Woo! There's a holler here!" She walked to greet her friend.

"How was court today?"

Alice was busy arranging several multicolored but matching suitcases.

"Bells love, don't ask me about court. We won though, so 'yay', but Rose tells me Captain Dickhead pants was being very dickheadpantsy today. I'm so sorry honey." Alice put her arm around Bella in a consoling hug.

"I don't think Rose would say Dickhead, and I don't think dickheadpantsy is a word, but I'm embracing the sentiment behind it."

"Rose totally meant to say Dickhead. I could see it in those cold, steely blue eyes of hers. The girl only has to look at you and she drops enough swear words in one glare to warrant her mouth being washed out with soap. She has a filthy mind, she just has this amazing filter to prevent the bad words from coming out. I, on the other hand, have no such filter. So fuck the dickhead honey, we're going to Vegas on someone else's dime. Let's just enjoy it." Somehow Alice had made her feel a little better, even if she had managed to say the last soliloquy like it was one short sentence.

Rose walked in the door just as Alice had finished.

"Well, speak of the bitch herself," Alice chirped as Rose wrestled with her one small bag.

"Alice honestly, I will spank those swear words out of you one day. I love you honeychild, but that mouth belongs on a sailor, not a manic little pixie such as yourself. You look so sweet, but God just picked your mind up straight out of the gutter and took your mouth straight out of the potty. How you manage to not call the judge, jury or opposing counsel names absolutely blows my mind."

"Oh shut the fuck up, I so keep it together in court. My brain filter seems to work wherever there is enough mahogany and grown-ups to keep it in check. You would piss yourself if you were opposing counsel."

"And that my friend, is why I chose to side with you and not against you. What you lack in size pixie child, you make up for in mouth."

Bella shook her head at her friend's usual little exchange. It was cute how much Rose was offended by swearing, yet she loved Alice like a sister. It had been the same way since they started out in law school together. They were each other's peanut butter to jelly, separated they were okay, but together they made much more sense.

"Let's get to the airport and get this train-wreck on the road." Bella shoved her friends out the door, guiding them to the very nice Town Car the station had graciously provided.

After juggling much luggage into the trunk of the car, they took off down the road. Alice hung her head out the window and shouted "Off to Vegas bitches!"

~~OtA~~

**Phew that was a fun chapter to write. I am now on Twitter as MissIzbels and on eblogger as On the Air. I will be putting pictures up on eBlogger as well (once I grasp the technology-see twitter for updates). Thanks to those of you who review, you make my day and my hubby can't believe so many people think I anything coming out of my mind is worth reading. Reviewers for this chapter will get a sneak preview of the next chapter. FicObsessed is my wonder-beta and elaine67 pre-reads and keeps me in check.**

** I think dickheadpantsy is one of my finest new words. My daughter invented the word "Ninjury". It's when you hurt yourself when you are doing something adventurous, such as when you are playing Ninja's in the backyard with your bigger brother. Peace out.**


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12 Steve Carlisle- WKRP in Cincinatti (Tv Theme) 1978

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and the characters and probably has maids to run around after her kids.**

**I own a mess filled house. Oh and this story...**

~~OtA~~

**BPOV**

Bella noticed that Rosalie had spoken to Edward as they boarded the plane. Edward looked down and seemed to turn a little pale at whatever it was that Rose had said. She decided not to ask. It would just invoke a tirade of questions from Rosalie about why she cared about what she said to him and then that would lead to insinuations and insinuations would lead to accusations which would lead to other bad things such as headaches and facing the wrath of Rosalie. Then Alice would defend Bella's right to pursue whoever she wanted which would then lead to Alice encouraging her to bonk Edward's brains out, because in Alice's mind, nothing should impede true love.

Rose would then argue with Alice and they might have a similar incident to the great vodka spillage fight (on flight) of 2005 which had lead to both girls looking like they had peed their pants. Bella couldn't remember what it was about, but it was almost as bad as the great C-debate back in college. Bella chose to enjoy the perks of business class and settle in for the flight. She liked the extra leg room and the wider seats. Alice had curled herself up into a petite little ball and was attempting to get some sleep. Rosalie was complaining about the lack of space (which would have been worse in economy class), but that was just Rose (she was a glass half empty kind of girl). Bella tried not to glance around at Edward, but it was a little bit hard. Since now everyone in business class was glancing at him due to his rather strangled cry that he let out once the plane started to taxi down the runway.

For Bella it was heart wrenching. She had to sit like a bitch and pretend that his distress meant nothing to her. Nothing could be further from the truth. At this moment, all she wanted to do was make a quick dash over Rose, put her arms around him and tell him it would be ok. Instead she had to settle for watching while Jasper gently coached Edward through the flight.

She could hear him murmuring encouraging and soothing words, telling him to breathe. The flight attendant finally bought him an alcoholic drink, which he tossed down quickly. The captain called for all of the cabin crew to be locked into place and the plane eventually made its way to the final runway for takeoff. She could hear heavy breathing and knew it was Edward, following Jasper's instructions. He let out a little groan as the plane lifted from the tarmac. Bella mentally argued with herself about whether she should or could secretly comfort him. She hoped Rose wasn't noticing her concern, but every time she looked at her, her eyes were closed. Alice was in the next aisle and she was fast asleep too. As the minutes wore on, the color in Edward's face seemed to return and he began to speak quietly with Jasper. Hulking Emmet was seated next to Alice and the other crew was scattered around amongst business class.

She thought about her options. Her decision was easily made when the lights turned off alerting the passengers that they could move around the cabin and use their mobile devices. She scrambled for her iPhone.

**EPOV**

Fear of flying is not something you think would occur in a man in his late twenties, who has flown back and forth over the great land that is America, and regularly goes on international flights to visit his parents. If it wasn't for Jasper sitting next to him on every flight that Edward had ever taken, he was fairly certain that he would never have flown. The exact etiology of his fear was rooted in the first flight that they had ever taken to the USA all those years ago. An engine had stalled on takeoff and they had to do an almost immediate emergency landing. Drugs had gotten him back on the plane and Jasper had used his quiet southern accent to soothe away his fears. At least he only had to take 10mg of Valium this time, and the warm flush of scotch was working its way into his system. Basically, if he was drugged enough he could go anywhere on anything. This time around though, he had been so disturbed by the verbal threat Bella's friend Rose had given him that he had felt his manhood shrivel up inside him. No amount of drugging felt like it was going to work.

And he made an idiot of himself within earshot of Bella. Now he was sure his colleagues were working on the fodder that would ridicule him for the remainder of the trip. He might change his flight to Sunday morning to try to delay the inevitable. He wondered if Jazz and Em would mind another night or two in Vegas. He couldn't foresee any reason they would have to say no to him. And no one says 'No' to another night in Vegas.

Right now, he felt sluggish and strange. Hopefully he would be awake and aware enough by the time they landed. Actually strike that, he hoped he was sluggish, and strange and unconscious for when they landed. He could just be perky once they left the plane. He had lost count of the times he had been pulled aside for additional security checks purely because of his intoxicated and disheveled appearance. He half looked over at Bella, who he noted was occasionally checking on him. Every time he tried to catch her eye she turned and hid herself. Great, just what he needed was another woman to think of him as being inadequate.

He closed his eyes and tried to sleep, but dreams of planes plummeting from the sky would not leave him. He finally forced himself to think of something pleasant.

**BPOV**

Bella was annoyed. He wasn't checking his iPhone; in fact, she started to think that he was passed out. How many scotches did he have before he got on the flight?

She fiddled with the seat, trying to set it into a comfortable angle. She had no idea how the tall and willowy Rose had managed to fall asleep. She called the stewardess and asked for a vodka and coke, along with a few more bottles. She was on her fourth one by the time the light flickered on to signal it was time for passengers turn off their electronics and put their trays and seats into the upright position. She turned to see that Edward was sleeping as they made their descent. Amazingly, he was managing to sleep over the roar of the engines, as the plane prepared to land. Jasper was getting edgy in his seat and appeared to be waiting attentively in case Edward awoke.

She was relieved as the plane's landing gear was in place and the plane made its first touch upon the tarmac. However, she jumped out of her skin as a terrified voice screamed behind her...

**EPOV**

"BELLA!"

~~OtA~~

**Ugh I hate it when planes take off, I nearly pee my pants every time. Ok so next chapter they are in Vegas. I have only been to the Vegas airport due to an incidental stop over between New Orleans and LA. The airport looked ok from my seat on the plane. So next chapter forgive me for inaccuracies in places and locations. I will post next chapter sooner if I am bribed with reviews...good or bad...Reviewers will be sent a teaser for next chapter...**


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13 Rock 'n' Roll Radio - The Ramones

**Stephenie Meyer is a literary genius. I am a literary imbecile who can't get a beta.**

**She wrote the characters, I wrote this whilst angry at an insurance company for denying my claim...**

~~OtA~~

**JPOV**

Sniggers tend to resonate through small spaces. This was the sound that poor Edward was probably hearing as he awoke screaming from whatever terrible dream he was having.

He had his hand firmly on Edward's upper arm for a number of reasons. One was to prevent Edward from jumping out of his seat; the other was so that Edward would know that he was still acting as his wingman during the flight. This had been the ritual for the past several years. He and Emmett both took the tour of duty on all flights, ensuring that Edward was sedated and safe. This was the first time that Edward had ever yelled out. For him to call out the God-danged lawyer's name was not going to help matters at all.

"Ed man, chill. Take some breaths. The plane has landed and we're on the way to the terminal. Just breathe. Since you're an emotional wreck, I'll wait until we're at the hotel until I rip you a new one about what you just called out."

"Oh shit man, what did I say?" Edward looked messed up.

"Well partner, you just shouted out lawyer lady's name." He shook his head at his friend. He obviously still had it bad for her.

"Oh crap. Her bitch friend, Rosalie, made some comments about hand delivering me my nuts on a platter, and her voice, Jazz it sounded like she had castrated other chaps prior. She said it really creepy, like she knew exactly what to do and she wasn't afraid to do it. I must have been thinking about it before I went to sleep. Plus, you bastards drug me up worse than Mr. T going on an A-Team flight mission." Jasper noted that the hair rubbing had started again, a clear sign of his friend's anxiety.

He remained unconvinced of Edward's reasoning behind whose name he shouted as they gathered their items to finally get off the plane. He looked up at Bella, who kept trying not to get caught glancing at Edward. Every time she looked she met Jasper's eyes, and she'd quickly look away like a deer being hunted. He hoped that whatever they had planned would keep management and the judges convinced because he was currently thinking that the pair of them were playing the rest of the team for suckers.

The hotel had only sent one courtesy van, so half of the crew settled into the van to make the trip to the hotel, while the other half waited behind. Jasper made sure that Edward was sitting up front, Emmett behind him and the girls were in the back of the van. He was hoping he would catch Edward trying to look at Bella so he could stop any signals they had planned. Once at the hotel, the plan was that the girls would take one of the king suites and they would take another one, which hopefully would be on a different floor. "Divide and Conquer" was the theme for the duration of their stay in Vegas. His friend was on a continuous cock-block. Which was a shame really, because Edward needed to move on from that bitch Tanya as quickly as he could. He glanced behind so that he could check on exactly where Bella was sitting, and was surprised to find himself looking into the hazel eyes of her friend Alice.

Dear Lord, please don't let anyone cock-block me from that fine little miss, because I would surely like to get to know her better.

**APOV**

There is a stench about Bella and it smells like deceit. She had gotten in the head of Captain Jackass and now he was dreaming about her. Bella couldn't lie straight on the floor if she tried, and now she was trying to convince everyone that she and Edward hated each other.

She must have started to hum out loud the tune to "liar, liar pants on fire" when her eyes met the gaze of one Mr. Jasper Whitlock. He was one mighty fine southern gentleman, who somehow was roped into managing this lunatic who got them in this position in the first place. She wondered if she could get into her own trouble with the rather divine fair haired, blue eyed Mr. Whitlock. She mentally decided to be kinder to Edward. After all, it was his behavior that managed to get her in the vicinity of this fine piece of man meat in the first place.

**BPOV**

Bella had a feeling that Jasper suspected that something wasn't quite right. She also suspected that Alice was on that same wavelength. In fact, as she looked at Alice, who was eyeing up Jasper like he was candy, she was fairly certain that she could somehow blackmail Alice into being her ally against Rose.

Except she needed Alice to keep her in check because otherwise she was going to get their company into some serious legal doo-doo.

Why hadn't Edward looked at his iPhone? Maybe he had already? She couldn't stand all this subterfuge. Why couldn't meeting a boy just be simple?

**EPOV**

Zzzzzz.

**BPOV**

Oh wow, he's snoring. Like genuine, inebriated snoring. OK. He's forgiven for not looking at his phone.

**JPOV**

Oh crap. Edward just drooled on my shirt.

**BPOV**

The ride to the hotel was unbearable. Bella could practically see the tension in the van. She needed an excuse and she needed one now. The manic pixie would start to grill her and she was going to have to explain her behavior and why Edward screamed out her name…

**RPOV**

Rosalie had her own problems. She had to tell Bella that just before they got on the plane she basically made a threat to castrate Edward if he did anything that would embarrass her. Then he had a nightmare where he was probably enacting what she would do to him. She needed to tone down her lawyer scare tactics on real people who weren't doing anything wrong. After all, he couldn't have guessed that Bells was a virgin, could he? And he wouldn't have meant to insult her that way, surely, if he did know. He was just being an ass. I It wasn't intentional; it was just the way he was. She found herself feeling terribly sorry that she said anything. She did do a very vicious, threatening voice that was known to make grown men cry. Heck, there were times when judges had trembled before her.

She turned to Bella and decided that she needed to tell her friend that the cause of Edward's distress was most likely her. In turn, she would support the two of them having a little fun in Vegas before they had to play serious back in Washington.

After all, what happens in Vegas is supposed to stay in Vegas...Right?

**BPOV**

Getting out of the van was a mission and a half. Edward was dopey, well dopier than usual, and they were all trying to get to the counter to get our rooms and get some sleep prior to the show set up the next day. As she waited patiently while little Alice took charge of their room assignment, she noticed Rose looking decidedly nervous around her.

"Rose what's up? You look like you just told a five year old that there isn't any Santa."

She plonked herself on one of the cozy ottomans in the lobby of the hotel.

"Men find me scary and threatening, don't they Bells?"

"Yep, sweetie, they do. But once they get to know you, they love you just like we all do. Why? Are you crushing on someone?" Bella was not used to her friend being so nervous.

"I think, well I know, that I am the reason why Mr. Cullen called out your name mid-flight."

"Did you buy a wig, dress up as me and have sex with him or something - because no man on earth dreams about me enough to shout my name out, babe!" She tried being light hearted so that Rose would just spill and get whatever it was off her chest.

"I used the voice and the tone on him." Bella sat up.

"You bloody well did not!" Rose cringed at the minor curse word. Bella was amazed because she knew that the voice and the tone that Rose just admitted to using had lead to bigger men peeing themselves. In one case there may have been some soiling of trousers.

"Oh Bells, I did. I know I'm only supposed to use it on special occasions, but I may have said something about castrating him if he said anything else that would upset you. Then I talked about how I used to go hunting around the Olympic Mountains with my folks and that I could skin a moose in 15 minutes and I may have said something about his taking less time because his balls were smaller..."

"Rosalie Elaine Hale...YOU DID NOT!" Bella was thrilled. She could have both of her friends over a barrel. She might even get a half hour with Edward alone!

"Oh Bells, I am so, so, so sorry. You know I'm like a momma bear with a baby cub and the stunt that he is doing tomorrow is so abhorrent. It's is going to be like going through the ringer for you, I just can't bare it honey."

"Rosalie, I don't know what to say to you. I love you, really sweetie, but I have to fight my own battles. This is going to make it very awkward for us to be professional. I don't know how I am going to fix this..."

Rosalie brightened; she knew she was being taken for a ride by Bella. But she did feel terrible that she had caused a nightmare in a grown man. She wasn't completely heartless.

"Bella I'll help you spend some time with your gentleman friend, even though I think it's wrong. I know you are genuinely upset about the V-situation, so I'll give you the opportunity to discuss that subject with him some time during this weekend. I mean, he's going home tomorrow isn't he? After that we'll have a nice girlie Saturday night, where we'll drink large cheap cocktails and I'll hold your hair back while you puke."

"Hmmm ok, I agree with you, except for the puking bit. I'll hold your hair, like I always do."

"Ok then. It's a plan."

At last she had an ally. A powerful, bitchy ally.

Now all Edward had to do was read his damn email.

~~OtA~~

**There might be shenanigans next chapter. There might not. Reviewers get teasers that will confuse them even more. Next chapter (I promise) Edward will read Bella's email. Its worth waiting for...Perhaps...**

There might be shenanigans next chapter. There might not. Reviewers get teasers that will confuse them even more. Next chapter (I promise) Edward will read Bella's email. It's worth waiting for...Perhaps...


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

"Our Radio Rocks" - PJ and Duncan

**Stephenie Meyer had a tough time getting a publisher to have a look at a little book she called "Twilight." She owns all these characters, just in case you didn't know and have been living under a rock for the last few years.**

**I had a tough time just getting a Beta, but I gots one now and she completes me. Thanks muchly, FicObsessed for taking a chance on an Aussie girl and her bad grammar. Thanks to Elaine67 for prereading.**

~~OtA~~

**EPOV**

Sometimes you feel like you are never going to live down the embarrassment of an event. It didn't matter that he was half drugged out of his mind. In a quiet plane he had yelled out the name of the lawyer who could make or break his career. He had yelled it out in front of his producer, manager and crew who were all probably going to have his guts for garters. How could he explain that he didn't really remember the dream he had very well, but that it may have involved his not being able to get it up because he had been castrated, and Bella running for her life from him?

He imagined the scenario, and then he imagined Aro firing him. He actually would have liked for Rosalie to explain it to Aro, that would be a significantly better prospect. Better still, not only have Rosalie explain it to Aro, but explain it in the exact same way that she had said it to him and see how Aro's balls retract inside his body.

He cursed the slow pace in which the receptionist was handling their registration, and he was equally cursing how weird and exhausted he was feeling. Where was Bella? He glanced around nervously and noticed she was sitting next to the great castrator herself. He cringed at the thought.

Emmett and Jasper finally got the room card and they headed upstairs to the 21st floor. The room was a king suite, with three bedrooms, an ample lounge room and two bathrooms, one of which held an enormous marble Jacuzzi.

"Damn man, we only have this room for one night. I could stay all weekend...I'm feelin' lucky!" Emmett said, as he threw his bags into one of the rooms.

Edward smiled sheepishly.

"Uh guys, I'm not that keen to hop back on the plane so readily. How about we stay another night and go back Sunday? I just can't stomach a flight back so quickly." Mostly he couldn't stomach hopping on a plane without Bella. Maybe he could persuade her to stay another night. Couldn't they pretend that the rules didn't count outside of Washington State?

"I thought you would say that. I'll contact Jessica and she can rearrange our flights. I'll just check with the front desk and see if we can get this room for another night. Boys on the prowl in Vegas!" Emmett declared rather loudly.

"You love Vegas for the all you can eat buffets rather than the all the women you can meet clubs, man." Jasper shook his head at his bulked up friend.

"Jazz, I ain't ever met a carb I didn't like. Now, we have to discuss the other type of sweet buffet. Ed man, you are not allowed anywhere near Bella. At least I have the courtesy not to shout my sex fantasies all over a plane."

Edward tilted his head back, let out a loud sigh and pinched his nose with his fingers.

"Oooh he's doing the 'you are so lucky I tolerate your shit' emo look. Run Jazz, run!" Emmett flopped himself onto one of the enormous couches.

"Jasper, can you explain to Neanderthal man here what occurred, because to be honest, I barely remember, and I really need some private time to get over the Valium and scotch combo I had before dinner. In fact, take Emmett out, because I don't think I can tolerate his shit. Plus, I don't think I can watch him eat at the buffets. He should have a feed bag on. The guy talks with his mouth open."

"Oh, no way! We stay together. There will be no, and I mean NO interactions with said pretty brunette this weekend. Other than taking a piss dude, we do not let you out of our sights."

"There are no issues with said pretty brunette. I offended her or something today, and now she heard me screaming her name while I was asleep. I am beyond embarrassed and would prefer to wallow in my vat of self pity. You two gents go and eat. I might do room service - don't worry, her two friends are keeping an eye out for her as well- you might want to chat with them. It's perfectly clear guys, she doesn't want any part of me, and today just reinforces it."

"Ed, the vibe I am getting is that you two are trying to pull one over on us," Jasper spoke quietly.

"Jazz, the vibe is nothing. We are nothing. It's done. You two go hook up with castration girl and manic pixie and make sure Bella is with you. I am staying out of sight and out of mind." Edward walked to his room and flopped back on the bed.

His iPhone stabbed him in his butt. He pulled it out and turned it on. It wouldn't hurt to see if Aro had called already. But there was a message from her…

Dear Romeo,

I hope you are ok. That was horrendous. Just please, PLEASE email me when we get to the hotel. I feel so torn up and I just can't bear that you are upset because of today. I have something I need to get off my chest and it isn't a Target t-shirt bra.

Juliette

How the hell was he going to get to talk to her? He had tweedle-dee and tweedle-dum watching his every move. His only hope was that they had indeed left. He peeked outside the door and the room seemed quiet.

"Jazz? Em?" He walked through the room.

Could they possibly have left him alone? Had Emmett taken pity on him because of the threat of castration?

He opened the door a crack and was greeted by a whispered fight between Emmett, Jasper, Rosalie and Alice. Bella was standing against the wall looking like she wanted to be swallowed by it. He stared at her in the hopes of getting her attention. She chose that moment to look up. He met her small smile as she walked towards his door...

**BPOV**

_10 minutes prior_

"Alice, I know you're going to have objections about this but just hear me out..." Rosalie was pacing back and forth, in full-on lawyer mode. Both Alice and Bella knew to just be quiet and let the scary, blonde, Amazon-woman talk it out.

"I may have used the V and T on Edward."

Alice stood up with a shocked look on her face. It was obvious she wasn't going to follow normal "lawyer Rosalie' protocol.

"Bloody hell Rose, the V and T are strictly for would-be rapist, asshole husbands and for vile opposing council. We do not use it on potential boyfriends of friends or on people we are supervising under court ordered instructions."

Bella watched as Rose didn't even flinch at Alice swearing. Oh, this was not good...not good at all. Or maybe it was.

"I KNOW Alice-Mary. I know. I really do, and he could have us for me threatening him. So I have a plan."

"Ok Rose, what's the plan, because V and T is something that you are going to have to really settle with this guy."

"We let Bella settle him down. You know, let her have some alone time with him. Let him know I didn't mean it. And then she can tell him that she has a V-card and she is offended at his comments and then she can Plan B him into submission."

"Ooooh, submission. She will have him calling out her name even louder if she does that..."Alice giggled. It was a high pitch giggle with a weird little snort. Alice was a romantic, albeit a slutty kind of romantic. She probably thought that giving Bella the opportunity to pull out the V-card and maybe get it thrown out would help her situation.

"All right. Let's go tackle the boys. I pick Jasper and you target Emmett. He's brawny and blond and you're horny and blond so that should fit nicely."

"I am not seducing him so he will let Edward talk with Bella alone, he isn't my type anyway."

"You're fucking right, Blondie. He is absolutely not your type, he wouldn't want you anyway. You like cerebral, dark haired glasses wearing geeks. He's a pretty, All-American boy. Not your type at all." Alice was grinning wickedly.

"I hate your reverse psychology Alice-Mary. I also hate your swearing. Potty mouthed pixie. You shut the f-up."

"Ooooh Mum, Rosalie said f-up! "

"I hate you Alice-Mary."

"I hate you more."

"Not possible." Both friends hugged. This was the end of most arguments. They loved each other to death.

"He doesn't want to speak to me anyway. I may have err, emailed him about an hour ago, and got no response at all. So you two go and have some fun, I am going to sit here and sulk."

Bella laid her head back on the couch and stared at the ceiling. It was a pretty ceiling as far as hotel ceilings went. Maybe it was a view she could watch until her eyes shut to sleep.

"Oh no pretty girl, you are hopping in the shower, and putting on one of the outfits I brought here for you. We are going to their room and getting this sorted out." Alice was pulling her by her wrist.

"Actually, screw the shower. I have just the frock for you. Pop it on. Put on some lippy. Look pretty. Rose call reception- what's the number of the boys' room?"

Ten minutes later they were about to knock on the door on the boys' room when Jasper and Emmett opened the door at the same time. Rose ran smack into Emmett, making Alice giggle like a mad pixie.

Jasper ushered them into the hallway.

"He's in there sleeping; leave the man alone," Jasper whispered.

"This is Vegas, the doors are thick, why are we whispering?"

"Because, I don't know, we don't want people in the hallway hearing us, especially Aro. He's down at the end there," Emmett indicated by pointing his head in the direction of the managers' suite.

"From a legal perspective Bella might need to talk with your client about tomorrow's show. She has some guidelines for him to keep it clean," Rose whispered, still trying to sound professional.

Emmett huffed. "No way in the world! Besides, what do you care about him? You threatened him with physical harm if he even spoke with her."

"Well, I've changed my mind."

"Oh, well. How convenient is that? Because you're worried we might sue the pants off you for threatening your client? He could have PTSD. He was dreaming about your threats and made an idiot of himself on the plane."

Rose hissed. "He was drunk before he got on the plane, he was all slurry and sleepy- we could go after him for indecent conduct."

"He was medicated to get on the plane!, He's terrified of flying and if you repeat that anywhere we will sue YOU for defamation of character."

"Oh bollocks, he defames himself everyday..."

Bella was leaning against the wall pretending that her friends weren't having this ridiculous argument. She was staring at the ceiling and noticed a small movement at the corner of her eye. Edward had just opened the door slightly and her friends were far too busy to notice.

He gestured her inside, and she took the three short strides inside his door.

Edward quickly pushed the door shut, and turned the deadbolt. Not even a key-card could get anyone in the room now.

"I'm sorry, are you okay?" She put her hand on his arm.

"No, I'm sorry. Today was such a fuck up! I am so sorry about this morning." He took an extra step until they were inches apart before continuing. "How long before you think they notice you are gone and they put two and two together?"

She sighed and threaded her fingers into his hair.

"I would say at least a kiss or two."

And then there were no words.

~~OtA~~

**Hope you like the kissing in the ending. I am a firm believer in HEA. For everyone. Especially reviewers to this chapter. They also get teasers for the next chapter. Thanks for reading the ridiculousness that occurs in my mind.**

**So should they shag in the next chapter or follow the rules?**


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

**Sex on the Radio**

**La dee dah...usual gaff inserted here re Stephenie Meyer owning characters. Insert self depredating comment re me not owning them. **

**Ok so where were we...**

BPOV

She moves her hands into his hair and savors their reunion kiss. His lips are full and sweet tasting and somehow meld beautifully into her own. She notices their height difference as he leans down to put his forehead upon hers. A pained look is upon his face.

"We need to talk." He leads her to the couch. He sits first, and she follows, seating herself next to him. She likes that he reaches over to hold her hand, and he begins to converse with her, not meeting her eyes, but gently stroking her finger tips in his own.

"I know we wanted to play it cool, but I am so sorry I hurt you, you genuinely seemed pissed at me when I came up with the idea for tomorrow's show. It isn't even original: I pinched the idea from a movie."

She was glad he wasn't looking at her face. She turned her head away from him and decided to just blurt out to him why his comments hurt her feelings.

"I'm a virgin. It's not something I really planned on. There were two near miss incidents with guys who really just weren't in good places and one of them decided he was gay which I guess was fortunate for me. Its not that I'm a prude or have romantic and unrealistic idealizations in regards to the whole thing but it just's happened that I'm too caught up in life and work and men aren't easy to find, well good men anyway. Alice sets me up with weird guys, Rosalie frightens them all away and somehow I am 24 and haven't actually managed to, um, get rid of my um, v-card..." Did that come out sounding like she was rambling? Way to go, scare the guy off in the first week. He is only a DJ who likes airing people's dirty laundry on national radio. Only a few million or so people would hear about it. Maybe she could move to Canada. They had cheap pharmaceuticals there; maybe she could overdose on some.

"Well, we have something in common then." She looked up at him. He wasn't screaming or revolted or anything else she expected. He was just sitting there, looking calm. Well, calm and kind of hot. He was obviously trying to be sweet.

"What could we possibly have in common?"

"My last partner decided she was gay too. My last partner was kind of my first partner and I have no idea how I didn't notice that she was stepping out on me and yeah, doing stuff with another woman."

She took this in. His voice was quiet at the end and his face was pained.

"Is this what sparked the on-air tirade?"

"Yep," he said, popping the "p" at the end. His face was stricken.

"That's awful! How did you, you know, find out? I had no idea with Eric. I just don't have any gaydar at all."

He hesitated. She thought about how foolish he must have felt.

"I walked in on ...her... and she was with her girlfriend. She never liked me going down on her or anything, but here she was with her friend, laying across the pool table, and well, you can guess what she was doing."

Bella tried to control her facial expressions. It was worse than she had thought. He had actually BUSTED them going at it. On his pool table. She hoped he had that table burned. Or at least bleached.

He was now sitting forward, having let go of her hands and was staring into his large palms. She knelt on the floor in front of him, taking his substantial hands in hers.

"I can't at all imagine what that was like."

"Yeah, well, it wasn't one of my finer moments and now I find that well, there is a lot of pressure given your, um, status and look to be honest I can't really get my heart trounced on again".

EPOV

There he said it. Let the woman know that you aren't much of a man. Your first true love ran off with another woman, and you probably won't even get a chance with the second one.

"Well, this is all new, which is, you know, scary for anyone to put their heart out there to be potentially trounced on, but I would love to give it a shot if you will have me."

"Bella, honestly you make my man bits come to attention, and that is scary given that your friend Rosalie apparently is some castration expert. But I would really love to give this a shot as well."

She smiled at him. Her face was radiant.

A firm knock sounded at the door, spoiling the moment.

"Motherfucking cockblocking..."

"Shhh don't answer; don't say anything. Emmett said he was worried about Aro hearing that anything was up in the room. My girls are on my side. They are going to keep the boys busy for a bit."

The knocking occurred again. Bella remained kneeling at his feet.

His iPhone vibrated on the glass table top, making a strange sound as it did.

He checked the phone. One message from Emmett.

He read it out to Bella and smiled.

"The castrator says we are to give you guys an hour. Heading to the bar together. Don't go missing. Open door in one hour or we will let Aro know you are bonking like bunnies."

"Wow, your wingmen are eloquent."

"Your wingmen are freaky."

"Wing women. Speaking about wings, can I ask what you were dreaming about midflight?"

He looked up to the ceiling and inhaled loudly. 'Here goes nothing', he thought to himself.

"Let's say Rosalie had my balls and was saying some pretty sick shit, and you were just sitting in the corner picking at your fingernails and not really looking on, but not really helping me out in the situation. At least that's, what I remember."

"Sorry about her. I love her, I really do, but she is one scary woman. We try to limit her use of the V and T."

"V and T? Vodka and Tonic?"

"No V and T, Voice and Tone. I can't begin to tell you how much she intimidates men."

"I have experienced it first-hand. Is she a lesbian?"

"What a weird question, but ok given your circumstances. She isn't, she just had something happen to her and she is wary of men now. She has a heart of gold. If she's your friend then you are extremely lucky."

"Yeah well I know what it's like to be her enemy."

"Oh, Rose is on our team now."

He sat forward. Now this was interesting.

"Yeah, she is a sucker for a good romance, plus she feels so guilty about giving you bad dreams that she is now willing to let some stuff slide. Well, while we are in Vegas anyway."

"What happens in Vegas..."

"...Stays in Vegas. My new favorite saying."

"So how lenient is she planning on being."

"Probably not THAT lenient. But she won't stop us being together in private. I mean, not being together like being… being together...oh,shit, I don't know what the hell this is. I mean, you are going home tomorrow and we are staying another two nights..."

"Actually, we aren't going tomorrow. The boys understand I can't get straight back on a plane after the incident today, so we were flying out Sunday. My plan was to be drugged up and head off on an early morning flight."

"That's good news. Is that just you or the guys as well?"

"I, um, I can't fly without them." Oh shit, did he have to explain his fear of flying?

"Wow, they really are wingmen. "

"Yeah. The guys are great about it, but I am virtually a cripple on a plane. They drug me up and keep me that way until we've landed. Emmett had to sit on me one flight when the drugs wore off, and another time I got strip searched because I was so drugged up at the airport in Manilla. It's pretty limiting. We had a shit flight once and I thought it was the end, so, well planes are a big task for me." He was grateful that she didn't seem too perturbed by his revelation.

"You are very brave just to get on a plane. That's just, well it's amazing. Do you want to tell me about the flight or save it for another day?" He was grateful for the out. He just couldn't talk about it, and he was wary that they only had an hour.

"If it's okay by you, and given that we have time allocated by the great castrator, I would really like not to talk for a while." Bella came towards him from her prostrate position on the floor.

"I think I would like that too."

He put his hands around her tiny waist and lifted her towards him. It was a failed maneuver. She thinking he wanted them to stand, but he was really trying to pull her onto the couch. In a tangle of arms and legs they somehow landed on the floor in the space between the couch and the coffee table.

"I should have warned you, I'm accident prone. Sometimes I take down people near me." She was smiling up at him, his body partially covering hers, his hand trapped awkwardly behind her back.

"Bella, I think you can take me down anytime."

**Thanks to my Beta FicObsessed and my pre reader Elaine67. You keep my ego up and my blood pressure low. Reviewers get Teasers sent to them prior to the next chapter. Aiming for a Friday morning AEST to put up chapters...maybe earlier...**


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

**Stephenie Meyer is an awesome chick who last week donated money to American Red Cross. I use to work for Australian Red Cross blood bank. Whenever I did overtime I didn't put it on the books, choosing to donate my time to this worthy cause. It's not quite Stephenie's level of donation, but every bit counts. She also owns the characters and all the Twilight stuff. I just own the story, and am grateful she lets all of us in fanfic land get away with using her beautiful characters.**

**Hoping to be doing them justice.**

~~OtA~~

**BPOV**

Edward's mouth was beyond believable. In the five minutes or so that they had been having a good old fashioned make-out session, he had also managed to introduce his tongue into the mix. "Hello tongue," she thought. "Nice to meet you. Meet my tongue, who is strangely attracted to the back of your teeth."

Edward's hands had slowly made their way to just above her knee, and he was now making little patterns with his fingertips. The sensation mixed with the great surge of hormones she was currently feeling towards this complicated man was making her slightly crazy. If this continued, she thought, she might lose her V-card sooner than she had hoped.

His weight on her body was a mixture of comfort, sex, and heat - a feeling she wouldn't have minded continuing without clothing.

She had turned into a sex-crazed, mindless bimbo. She didn't even know him that well! She was just grateful he wasn't stopping to suddenly declare that he was gay or pulling a Mike maneuver on her.

And then suddenly she could feel that Edward's body was in tune with her own. He stopped, mouth agape.

"Um, sorry about that." He was now making moves to extricate her body from his.

She moved with him as he sat up, her legs over his as he leaned against the couch, and she spread her arms to support herself.

"I don't want you to get the wrong idea."

Her face fell.

"Wrong idea? What the hell was the wrong idea? I mean, it wasn't a great idea but it felt kinda right..." Her voice trailed off weakly. Great, add one more to the number of men who had rejected her. She was like a pathetic discarded John West catch.

"Oh God no! Believe me I want to..." His arms wrapped around her body in attempt to stop her from moving away.

"I really want to, but we need to do this right. You deserve that. I need this to be more than sex, for both of us. Where would we go if we moved to that point straight away? I want to do this right. You deserve to be courted."

She may have blinked in a slightly spasmodic way.

"Courted? Seriously? That idea is ancient, like way ancient."

"Yeah, but despite your rather rambling insistence that you don't think this is important… it, well, it actually is. And the way I feel about you is so different than any other girl...Aww geez,I suck at being eloquent. I sound like I've already been castrated." He let go of her and ran his hand through his hair. She thought if he kept it up, he would probably be bald by 40.

"Nah, your voice is too deep for that. Romance is good. Wooing is good. Courting sounds kind of lame. Maybe it would be ok if we just said we're dating. But after all this actual 'Court' legal business is over. It's too risky."

"So how do we play this for the crowd that is about to descend?"

"I think we play it professional and keep them confused. Say as little as possible. I can't really lie all that well, so denial by omission of fallacy is probably the way to go."

"Well, we'd better go and iron our clothes, brush our hair, and get rid of my friend here." He indicated his continually evident appreciation of the time spent with Bella.

"Yeah, sorry um, big guy, But er, 'Little Edward' is all yours. How much time do we have?"

He checked his watch.

"About fifteen minutes."

"Is that enough time to fit in a few more kisses?"

"There is always room to fit in snogging."

"What the fuck is a snog?"

"Stop moving your mouth and I'll show you."

Ten minutes later they reluctantly arose from their snogging session and walked into separate bathrooms.

She thought of the movie "Shakespeare in Love". She had that glow of a woman who had been touched. Well, not touched in the sentiment that Queen Elizabeth meant, but in the sentiment that she had an excited flush to her cheeks. She realized that both of them probably looked like they were in severe like with each other and that would be obvious to their friends.

It was frustrating to not being able to just come out to her friends and say that "this one" might be _"the_ one". Why did this particular romance have to be so fraught with potential professional and legal ramifications?

She applied some lip gloss onto her slightly swollen lips and applied a cool washcloth to her neck where Edward's permanent 5 o'clock shadow had done a nice exfoliating number to her skin. She gently touched where his lips had brushed. She instantly blushed.

"Oh fricking great, I look like a teenager in heat," she said to her reflection.

**EPOV**

Edward had the constant vision in his mind that this woman was the one he was going to marry and then share his DNA with ASAP. He couldn't remember when he had been more turned on over a short little snogging session that couldn't possibly lead anywhere. He finished off "little Edward" (as Bella had dubbed his cock) and continued to clean up the rest of his look. Maybe the thrill of getting caught was the reason he was so excited. Not that he really cared why. He could leave this job tomorrow, but the responsibility that he felt towards his friends and their careers kept him in Jekyll and Hyde mode. Maybe he could just run away with her, leave behind all the responsibility and be her secretary or something. Or full-time lover.

He looked at the bloke in the mirror and came to the realization that he needed her, and for her he needed to become a better man. He just needed time, and her patience. And maybe some therapy. This situation was not conducive to 'long term'. And that is what he needed and wanted Bella to be.

A knock at the door set his heart on edge. It was the end of their sanctioned time together. Now it was back to reality.

**RPOV**

Rosalie was not really one for apologies but she felt that she needed to apologize to Edward for threatening his manhood. In the last hour she had learned from Emmet that Edward was just the spokesman for the monster "DJ Cullen" their group created. She supposed that made him only about a third as bad as she had thought him to be. She also found that Emmet was obviously a good friend who cared about his friend's happiness.

So here she stood, knocking on a hotel door with the hulking Emmet next to her, so that she could make the her apology that she needed to and to extricate her friend from the clutches of Captain Inappropriate if she had to.

Bella answered the door and Rosalie knew immediately what they had been up to. No sex, but it must have been one good make out session. Bella's blush was present, and that only existed when the girl was embarrassed. Rose raised her eyebrows suggestively when Bella looked at her. She could tell Bella knew that she knew what the two of them had been doing.

Rose tried to hide her little smirk.

"I'm here to apologize to Mr. Cullen." She noticed the surprised look on Bella's face and quietly murmured for her to just "shut up."

Rose generally didn't apologize to anyone because normally her behavior was impeccable.

Bella stepped aside as Edward came to the door. She took a deep breath and said in an even tone, "I apologize Mr. Cullen, for upsetting you earlier. My friends mean a great deal to me, and after much consideration, I believe I may have been out of line for saying some comments relating to you and your… er… bits and my hunting knife. Please believe that I am genuinely sorry and I do regret if my actions caused you any undue distress."

"Oh Christ, _Miss_ Hale! That sounded like what something you would write when you've lost a case and you're trying to be politically correct in a legal framework." Emmet obviously did not like her apology, but she didn't like that he was using the Lord's name in vain.

"I would ask that you refrain from swearing around me, Emmett."

Emmet was looking like he was going to implode. His vibrant white smile was being hidden by his rather large hands.

"Oh shit! Lawyer lady doesn't like swearing? Well, fuck me."

Rosalie inhaled and grasped Bella's arm at the same time, with the intention of leaving the room.

Bella piped up.

"Rosalie is a lady, Emmett. She doesn't swear. I mean, she threatens and she uses funny nicknames for reproductive organs, but she doesn't swear. You really should just shut up around her."

"Way to go Bells. Make me look like something that just stepped out of a 1930's time warp."

"Well Rosalie, you are a lady. You don't drink tea out of Styrofoam coffee cups, you wear more dresses and skirts than anyone I know, and beneath that ice queen exterior you have a lovely old-fashioned sensibility that knuckle head over there doesn't quite seem to grasp."

"I am not a knucklehead." Emmet responded. His hands clenched and unclenched as he glared at her and Bella.

"Well, then don't upset me by using foul language. It's unnecessary."

He walked over to her and towered over her fairly impressive stature.

"Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck."

She felt ill. She weakly grabbed Bella's arm and tried to pull her to the door. Emmet stood in her path, suddenly concerned, and looking like he was contemplating touching her arms to see if she was okay. He withdrew them after deciding it was obviously not such a good idea.

"Oh man, you're serious? Really? You don't swear at all? I'm sorry, really. I was just shi...er riling you. I just can't believe you could have put terror into Ed here and not use one single swear word to do it. That's gotta be some kind of gift."

"Well, before my mother died she impressed upon me the importance of being a lady. So even though the behavior of my dad and two brothers was less than savory, I tried to maintain my mother's dignity. So, while I guess it's out of fashion these days, I try to be a lady despite the coarse profession I'm in." There. Go stick that in your pipe and smoke it Mr. Emmett Neanderthal.

"Well, I guess it IS kind of nice." Did he just say it was kind of nice?

**EPOV**

Oh my God. Was Emmett putting the moves on the polite castrator? This had to be stopped. Although…maybe some good would come out of this.

He looked at Bella while she watched the continuing exchange between their two wingmen.

Bella was trying to hide her face because she was amused by this turn in events too.

"I bet that you can't go one week without swearing. Everyone is so conditioned to use foul language that it's almost impossible not to," Rosalie challenged his friend.

He didn't think Emmet could go five minutes without swearing, but found this bet to be kind of interesting.

"All right, but I bet in that same week I can make YOU swear. At least one little modern curse word." Emmet challenged.

"Can we put this on air? Let's say the loser pays $2,000 to the winner's favorite charity." He had a plan.

"You're on!" Emmett replied with enthusiasm.

"It will be my pleasure to take your money Mr. Neanderthal." Rosalie extended her hand to Emmett so they could shake on the deal.

"How about we all go out to dinner and get this bet started off right?" It would be a win-win. More time with Bella, sanctioned by her friends and his, and tomorrow the radio station would know about his new little side gimmick. All time spent with Bella could now be clearly accounted for. At least for the next week.

Win-Win.

~~OtA~~

_**Thanks to my Beta -FicObsessed and Pre-reader Elaine 67- for some reason I found this a difficult chapter to write. So you know the drill, reviewers for this chapter get a little treat from the next chapter...**_


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters and the whole Twilight franchise. I own a flooded room downstairs, and the knowledge that my family are safe during the Qld Floods.**

~~OtA~~

**RPOV**

Alice had made reservations for them at Gallagher's Steakhouse earlier, so while they got ready, they decided it was time to plot and plan to find a way to make Neanderthal-man swear.

"Maybe you can just screw his brains out Rose and make him swear. Lord knows it's been a long time between drinks for you. If memory serves, you are quite the tigress in bed. Bet you can make tall, blond and dimpled scream out your name and an expletive or two..."

"Alice, be quiet. I'm not prostituting myself for the sake of the bet. I'll just be inventive. Antagonizing him for half of the evening should be enough to get him going. Maybe he'll lose it if I V and T him..."

Alice looked alarmed.

"You are hereby banned from any V and T'ing, unless it's vodka and tonic, until properly sanctioned by two coherent women. And if two coherent women aren't available, then it's only if Bells and I say you can use it. You are a bad girl Rosie and we are having none of it."

Rose nearly laughed at how Alice made herself a force to be reckoned with. So small, yet so powerful and manipulative. Here she was a veritable Amazonian ice queen and she still squirmed at every scheme little Alice came up with.

"You are an evil little pixie, but I'll listen. After all, I don't want a repeat of the Whiny Festival of 2007."

"I don't recall any Whiny Festival, just me using my prowess and mad negotiating skills to get you to go hang-gliding with Mr. Gorgeous."

"Yes sweetie, it was a six hour car trip with you playing con-man the entire time. I'm your lemming dear; just tell me to jump off a cliff in that high pitched voice of yours for long enough and I'll jump."

"You loved it and you know it."

"Yes, but he wasn't all that adorable Alice. You've got to stop setting me up with men that you have a good 'vibe' about. The good vibe excuse is not good enough anymore."

"All right then, I have a disgustingly bad vibe about dimple boy."

"Are you using reverse psychology on me Alice-Mary?"

"Would I do that?" Alice walked away, turning her head and raising her evil little eyebrows in Rose's direction. She was a manipulative little "B" sometimes.

Bella finally appeared from the bathroom, looking less sexed up, yet still anxious.

"Didn't you get any release this afternoon? Was an hour not long enough with DJ lover boy?"

Rose hated when Alice tried to pry for details. It made her want to close her eyes and stick her fingers in her ears, singing loudly to block out the noise she created.

"Eww, Alice, you dirty pervert. We just talked." Even Rose could see Bella blush from all the way across the room.

"Hmmm...talking? Is that what you kids are calling the wild thing these days?"

"Alice, seriously, shut up. Rose looks like she wants to puke. Give her a minute and she'll be sticking her fingers in her ears and singing "La la la" just to block your shit out."

"That was exactly what I was thinking about!" Rose shouldn't have been so amazed at Bella's intuitiveness about her feelings when talking about her friend's sexy times they may or may not have had.

"You were not Rosalie-Elaine. You were thinking about how you could get into dimple boy's Calvin Klein's."

Rose sighed and decided to give up.

"Yes Alice-Mary, I always fantasize about getting into a client's co-worker's underwear. Besides, boy undies are so much more comfortable than girl undies."

"Yuck, Rose! Please tell me you only wear girl undies."

"Sure Alice, I wear boy undies sometimes. The ones from Walmart with the little escape hatch at the front. Super comfy."

"Rose, I would not have thought that you would buy undies with a wank hatch in them".

"You turn every conversation into gutter talk. Now that's talent. I was kidding pixie. I wear lacy pink bra and panty set at all times."

"Great, Rose. Now all I can see you in is grey Calvin Klein's. Now that I think about it though, your ass would look great in them. Now Bella, I see you as more of a cute bikini type wearing girl, with superhero prints on the fronts."

"Sure Alice... I'm wearing Superwoman Underoos as we speak. But now I want to go and buy some Calvin Klein's and see if they are actually more comfy."

"You two are idiots. Let's go meet these other idiots for dinner. And see if we can make dimple boy swear."

"Oooh! See Bella, she's calling him dimple boy now. I wonder if he has dimples on his ass?"

**BPOV**

Bella groaned at Alice. Alice should have written porno scripts for a living. She had no idea how Alice managed to be so interested in women's rights when all she really wanted was to find a guy, get married, and have frequent and ridiculous sex in scandalous places. She knew this because Alice had told her this was her lifelong dream. She didn't even want to work. She wanted to be a kept woman. Not a housewife, though. She had been quite specific about that. She would have a maid and her biggest job would be ensuring that once a week she got her bikini line waxed.

Bella was just looking forward to a nice evening with her friends without any risk of impropriety. Emmet was even bringing along a tape recorder so they could go over the bet for the show the next day. It would be an early dinner and then early to bed. They had to get up ridiculously early to set up the show on top of the New York, New York Casino. Bella was slightly freaked out about being on top of a building, but surprisingly security had deemed this the most secure place to host the show. Elsewhere there might be picketing, but at least in the hotel they could restrict the movements of the crowd during the live broadcast.

Since they were ready, they made their way to Gallagher's Steakhouse.

Alice walked right up to the table where the boys were seated, breezing right past the concierge, who gave up on the idea of trying to stop her from entering the very busy restaurant.

Alice sat herself down next to Jasper and leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. He looked rather surprised, but certainly not repulsed by her behavior.

"Do you want to let me in on why you just pecked me on the cheek there ma'am?" Jasper drawled out to the very busy looking Alice, who was getting settled in at the table.

"Oh well, seeing as Bella and Edward, and now Rose and Emmet are hooking up, I thought it was just natural if we did too. I only want to have two kids and I'd prefer not to live in the suburbs. I'd rather live somewhere in the city- not an apartment though, but maybe a town house, near excellent schools and good cafes that I can go to with my friends during the day while you work."

"Well ma'am, I'm rather fond of the country myself. Perhaps if we had a holiday house out on some land that we could go to on the weekends. That way, the kids can ride horses while we partake of tea on the porch. And we can make love all night out under the stars on a blanket in the rotunda amidst the landscaped gardens. While the nanny watches the children, of course."

Alice looked a little taken aback. Bella had never seen this particular come on line of Alice's before. Normally it was "I don't like to sleep alone, so would you fancy helping a girl avoid something she doesn't like doing?" and that was normally it.

"Well I suppose, as long as it isn't every weekend. There is only so much hot sex under the stars that a girl can handle."

"It's decided then. Every other weekend on the ranch and the other weekends in town. After all, we'll have to catch up with our friends at some point."

"Yes, absolutely." Alice was mesmerized by this turn of events.

"Normally I like to take a girl out on a few dates though, before proposing. Is that acceptable?"

"All right, but I tend to put out on the second date. So do you want to propose before that one, or after?" Jasper and Alice were now in their own little world, oblivious to how they were freaking out their friends.

Bella, like those at the rest of the table, was watching the exchange with a mixture of confusion and amusement. Bella thought this was one of the best pick up lines ever. Now she hoped they actually would get married so she could shock their children with the rather disgusting story of how their parents picked each other up.

Just like how she would tell her children how she picked up their father. "Well kids, it was like this...I was sent to supervise your daddy on a court order and we couldn't keep our hands off each other. Shortly afterwards, you were born." Bella shook her head. This was getting strange, even for her.

"Ok, so while the newlyweds over there are busy planning out their retirement strategy, how about we order." Bella decided she had better take charge or the rest of them would spend the night watching how Alice's little pick up would end.

"Yeah, excellent idea. What would you like to order, my little dumpling Rose?" Emmet was obviously going to take the antagonistic tactic this evening.

"Certainly. But I don't think they have can leave their meat uncooked here for you, Mr. Neanderthal."

"Oh dear then, I should just swear and get the evening over with. Then I can get back to my cave and do some paintings with my own urine." Emmett waggled his eyebrows at her.

"Oh but honey, I wouldn't want you to spend the whole evening disappointed by your inability to string coherent sentences together without using expletives."

Edward interrupted. "The recorder is on just in case you guys were wondering. How about we go over the nature of the bet and then see how you guys converse with each other over the evening. Then we can edit it appropriately tomorrow morning before the show."

"Fine, Edward. So here's the bet. Once upon a time, there was a Neanderthal who didn't seem to have the ability to string any sentences together without dropping various F-bombs in there for effect. So consequently..." Emmett decided to interrupt Rosalie's saccharine explanation of the bet.

"Yes, consequently, the Evil Ice Queen of Non-Expletive Land decided a decree. Whomsoever can get the other to drop a generally accepted swear word will win $2,000 for the charity of their choosing. So when I win the charity I have chosen will be the Make-A-Wish Foundation."

"And when I win, because Mr. Neanderthal looks like he's already shaking from the effort of using adult words, the money will go to The Emancipation Network, a foundation that helps support women who have been forced into slavery."

"Well, those are both good causes there, thanks Emmett and Rose. Remind me to dub that over in my asshole voice back at the studio." Edward looked at Rose, involuntarily cringing as she gave him a death stare.

"Edward. A-hole is a bad word."

"Oh Rose, A-hole can be such a good, good word when used in the right context." Emmett grinned at Rose.

"Oh Emmett, you will never ever get me in the right context and you will be so, so disappointed that you didn't."

"Bitch."

"Ha! He said a bad word."

"Rose, bitch is generic these days. Bastard isn't a bad word now, is it?" Bella felt the need to defend Emmet for some demented reason.

"Bella, perhaps you and Edward need to write down a list of what you think are generally accepted swear words and then I can work on getting Caveman here to say one of them."

"Bella, that's an excellent idea. At the moment I can think of one very bad word that starts with C. If you look it up in the dictionary it says "See Rosalie Hale." Emmett and Rose were starting to lean towards each other, about to snap each other's head off.

"You know what, Edward? How about you sit next to me and we can sit in between these two good people who seem to really have it in for each other. Rose, not cool honey, not cool. You are a lady. Act like one." Bella chastised her friend as gently as she could.

"No, that's fine. Let's just order, eat and then I can sit here and seethe while Emmett's balls shrink. Because they know that I'm going to win this bet and he's going to prove that he's the cretin that we all know him to be."

"Oh baby, there is never any ball shrinking on my part. All man, all the time. I might even show you sometime."

"Ugh, bring it on Caveman."

~~OtA~~

**This chapter was eaten by googledocs... My Beta FicObsessed had already Beta'ed it, and I made her do twice the work...**

**We survived the flooding in QLD. We are North of Brisbane, an amazing and beautiful city, that today is going to go into the depths of the murky Brisbane River and hopefully come out smelling like roses in a few days time. Thanks to all the twitter crew who have kept me laughing and in particular a shout to the Brissieh00rs group, whose wit and pics and concern for each other during these awful floods has kept me going and smiling, when at times there wasn't much reason to smile (like my many 5am flood water sweeping out in the bottom of my house.)**

**I don't know if I am a good author, and I am not brave enough to participate in the Fandom gives back to Flooding... but I will pimp the website when it is opened and go ahead and donate some money as well...and you should too...pretty please...**

**Fandoms Fight the Floods sign up website is**** fandomsfight****thefloods**** dot blogspot dot com / with spaces and word dot replaced...**


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18 **

**Stephenie Meyer owns the story yadada, I own nothing except a really amazing kids room that I completed while ignoring this story...ooops...**

**BPOV**

The morning started out all right. Rose griped within an inch of her polite little life about the extra early wake up time. Alice was driving them both insane with her comments about one Jasper Hale, to the point where both she and Rose both vetoed her talking about him.

"But he's so gorgeous! That smile, his quick wit and the way his eyes light up… he's completely mesmerizing!"

"Alice, shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up! Don't make me stick my fingers in my ears and start singing the la-la-la song." Rose was beyond exasperated. Dinner had ended with some fine repartee with Emmett, so she spent the following evening after dinner plotting how she would get him to break the bet. As yet, she had not come up with a plan and Bella knew that her friend was a woman that was rarely without one. Rose was the Princess of the Schemers, always one step ahead of the game.

"Between the pair of you I'm starting to think it was a bad idea to even bring you along to this outside broadcast. You're driving me around the bend, the pair of you. Rose is all bitchy-twitchy and Alice, dear Alice, I can almost smell how eager you are to bonk this guys brains out."

"Oh no, do I smell like old lady's vajayjay ?" Alice looked like she was contemplating having another shower.

"No Alice, you don't smell like your Aunt Fiona. Let's just get your ass out of this room and into the meeting room that they have set up. I'm keeping the pair of you away from the objects of your desire and/or frustration. You two were supposed to be here for me, but it seems that between the three of us we don't have an adult synapse occurring in our little minds."

Bella pushed the girls through the door and into the elevator, pushing the button for the conference room that was located ion one of the upper floors. The broadcast was on the rooftop and anyone who was invited had a strict security protocol to follow. These measures had to be taken since the protestors had become even more frenzied in their attempts to get at DJ EC.

Rose sighed in frustration at the security, bristling at the security guard when she felt he was getting a little too personal with her body space.

"Seriously, they're checking us out before we even get into the conference room? Do these people not know that we're the lawyers?"

Emmett smiled at Rose from the other side of the room, obviously overhearing her comments about the security guard.

"Hey Blondie, getting a bit riled up there are we? Ready to pop, ready to explode, ready to swear those vulgarities that I know exist inside that filthy little mind of yours?"

Bella wasn't sure how Rose was managing to keep herself from telling Emmett to stick something where the sun don't shine, using only four letters or so, but Rose was keeping it together. Bella thought this was going to be her weakest time as Rose was not a morning person and suspected that if Rose was going to lose it, the pre-7am time frame would be impeccable timing for Emmett.

"Morning, Emmett. So, you're a morning person as well I assume. Just great."

"Yes Rose-a-liscious, I am a morning person. Love me some morning time. Brain's sharp as a tack, aware of every filthy word being filtered through my mind and being prevented from being said to you. Yep, not gonna catch me this morning... My money is looking good Princess."

"Emmett honey, or Jerkett as I'm going to call you, I am in full control. Believe you me, if I ever lost control your little penis would explode."

Bella didn't bat for the other team, but Rose was oozing a sexuality that even Bella wasn't aware that she possessed. Maybe this was her tactic; flirt and get him to swear. She had no idea anymore. Emmet was suddenly looking decidedly uncomfortable.

Edward made an entrance and the morning session started, all parties bandying about ideas on how to make the most of the show's two main themes for the day, Virgins and Katy Perry. Two words that probably don't belong in the same sentence.

Katy was due to sing two songs and fourteen virgins had come a long to vie for the v-card challenge. Local news was read and Vegas appropriate jokes were developed. All in all, Bella managed to keep it together. She reminded herself that Alice and Rose would let her walk away from the show if it got too much for her. She felt herself cringing as Edward warmed up and his luscious English accent made way for the voice he would use for the redneck-a-thon that was about to start.

As show time approached, they made their way to the rooftop, watching as the Vegas skyline changed itself from a beautiful, mysterious, world of glitzy lights into an average city in the middle of the desert.

The same security guard greeted them at the doorway, this time giving Rose a cursory glance before allowing her entrance, obviously once bitten twice shy. Alice asked if the security guard wanted to do a body cavity search. He denied her kind offer, his red face betraying his intense embarrassment. Bella didn't think he had a lot of experience because surely a Las Vegas security guard had seen it all before?

The crowd selected for the audience was vetted and slowly allowed up onto the rooftop. An amazing breakfast had been prepared and Aro was schmoozing with the important people within the crowd, ignoring the general public. Bella shook her head at his antics; schmoozing was an art-form that made her feel ill at ease.

She made her way to the producer's table, seating herself next to Jasper, being mindful to keep Alice away from him. In turn, she also had to keep Rose away from the yellow button.

She prayed she wouldn't have to use it.

The show pulled out all the stops.. In between the music, DJ EC was interviewing the would-be candidates for the morning's prize. This was where Bella learned that there was indeed a market for this kind of show. The various "Vegas Virgins", as they had been dubbed, were more than happy to tell half of America why they were still virgins, as well as let DJ EC poke fun of their individual circumstances.

John lived at home with his mother, who was determined that he not have a social life. Considering that the house was his, she was not the best house guest. She would knock on his bedroom door and scream out, "What are you doing in there with my precious little boy, you hussy?"

Another contestant, Adrian, had discovered that his penis was so small that when erect it didn't fit into standard size condoms. While he had nearly gotten to home base on three occasions, the size of his manhood had freaked out many a potential partner.

Meanwhile, Terry suffered from premature ejaculation and couldn't even get his trousers down without coming all over himself.

Bella couldn't believe how nonchalant the contestants were about sharing such personal information about themselves with all of America. She guessed that everyone wanted their 5 minutes of fame, no matter how pathetic it might seem. The guys seemed to be pretty happy to participate and not one of them balked at telling their story. It was morning radio comedy gold.

Edward used some subtle English humor to encourage the guys to be as self-deprecating as possible. The winner was going to be decided after the hour segment with Katy Perry, in which they played a game of "I've never" with her, and she belted out her hit "Fireworks". Katy was quite gracious, walking her way through the crowd, signing autographs and being generally charming. Bella was less impressed when she was generally charming with Edward, who was talking in a way that appeared to be excessively intimate.

Katy was going to wrap up the show with another live song so she headed off stage to set up. This left Edward to complete the segment on the Vegas Virgin and declare the winner.

The eventual winner was James, a slightly creepy looking gentleman who was rocking a pony tail and looked like something out of a gangster movie. If this didn't put you off, the pitch of his voice did. It was extraordinary. It was like his balls had retracted so far up into his abdomen that he was close to coughing them up. He was high pitched and eerily out of tune. Edward described his voice as being akin to fingernails on a chalkboard. No one had even kissed this poor bugger. Two sentences and they were gone. Bella wanted to feel sympathetic, but was worried that James was going to open his mouth and talk again.

Edward declared him the winner on the condition he didn't speak to the lady who was his prize. As Edward held the winner's arm high above his head in a typical winner pose a commotion broke out.

Suddenly, everything seemed to happen in slow motion. The only thing that Bella saw was a flash of red hair and then the gleam of a knife, heading towards Edwards chest...

She screamed.

**Thank you to the Brissie fic club for the wonderful night out and introduction to about a million fics that I didn't know were fabulous out there. I also outted myself to my husband this last week and let him know that I write fanfic. It was like being gay and coming out of the closet.**


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

As we left you last chapter...

~~OtA~~

**BPOV**

_Suddenly, everything seemed to happen in slow motion. The only thing that Bella saw was a flash of red hair and then the gleam of a knife, heading toward Edward's chest..._

Bella screamed. Security wasn't fast enough, but fortunately Edward was, blocking the knife from the woman's hand in a move akin to taekwondo. Then he did something she had never seen a man do to a woman before… he kicked her square in the Vajayjay.

Bella knew this tended to make men go down in a blaze of glory and interestingly, she discovered, a similar effect could be had upon the female of the species as well. The woman screamed out in pain, dropping the knife she had been wielding and decided to use her secondary weapon - her viper-like tongue.

"We're gonna fucking get you, you troglodyte. You're gonna wish you were never born. We know you're in Seattle, you dumb-as-shit fuck. You're gonna die, you asshat."

She lunged for Edward again, managing to do something that only kindergarteners do. She latched onto his wrist with her teeth. It took two security guards, who had obviously decided to give up on monitoring the donut stand, to finally subdue the unwelcome guest.

Bella breathed a sigh as Edward waved his hand to the crowd assuming the "I'm all right, crazy bitch didn't get me" posture. He wound up the show only a few minutes over the scheduled end of the program.

As the police arrived to double check the passes and identification of the crowd, Bella noticed that Edward was indeed bleeding from a particularly nasty looking cut on his upper right arm, as well as from the bite wound. They ferreted Edward into the conference room that they had been in earlier, which was now a makeshift triage.

She fretted in the corner of the room, biting her nails and trying not to dash across to Edward to check if he was okay. She had done basic first aid in Girl Scouts, but was doubtful that this meager knowledge would have been of any assistance. She hated blood anyway. It left an acrid lead smell in the air that she found unpleasant. Not that she would faint, but it was like when you opened a smelly dishwasher that was half full, you didn't exactly want to hang around the room inhaling it. It was a moot point as Rose was standing in front of her, looking like she would tackle her if she so much as took one step further into the room in Edward's direction.

Satisfied that Edward was getting the medical attention that he needed, she quietly skulked out of the room, tapping out a message to her Dodgy Romeo.

From: Juliette

To: Dodgy Romeo

WTF? Are you all right! I'm so sorry I couldn't come over to you. Mad karate skills, but next time...don't get your arm sliced by the frikkin' knife!

Call me when it's over. I'm assuming by the way Aro is salivating that you're going to be lined up doing talk shows all next week. He keeps saying something about "securing the security footage" which I think means he's going to sell this shit to the highest bidder. He's a douche. Just call me.

Did I mention that I want you to call me?

PS Do you need to have rabies shots or anything from that feral bitch biting you?

J

"That was surreal," Rose said, breaking Bella out of her self-imposed silence.

"Surreal is one word. Other words I can think of involve a truck load of swearing that you don't need to hear, lady."

"He's fine, they're going to have to stitch him up at the hospital. Aro looks like he's going to want to get footage rights for the suturing procedure as well. He is such a scum bag. His star gets hurt and the first person he calls is the PR guy at the station. The ambulance wasn't even called by him. There is a demented list of priorities in this guy's life."

"Edward hasn't said anything about him, but I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him."

"You throw like a girl, so you couldn't throw Aro very far at all."

"I do not throw like a girl. I have all my power in my legs. I could kick you back into next week with my pinkie toe if I didn't know you were just trying to cheer me up by distracting me by insulting my lack of physical prowess."

"Darling, if I wanted to distract you I would just scream out SHOE SALE!"

"Ooh that's true; I would totally be whipping my head around trying to find out where you saw the sign." Rose had put her arm around Bella and gave her a comforting squeeze.

"I love you Bells, he's gonna be okay." In fact, as they spoke, Edward was vehemently refusing to ride on the gurney that the paramedics were trying to strap him onto. Aro was actually encouraging Edward to use the gurney. Most likely as a publicity gimmick, she thought to herself. Asshat was a good word to describe him. Aro the Asshat.

Rose, Alice and Bella all returned to the hotel, where Alice insisted that they sit by the pool and start drinking overpriced cocktails. If not to ease the stress of the morning, then to get them warmed up for the evening.

The girls quickly changed and headed down the pool. Bella was deep in thought, not paying too much attention to her friends as they sipped on their first cocktail.

"...just let her have more time with him. It was like watching someone whose new kitten got run over. She likes him a lot for whatever demented reason..." Rose's voice cut into her reverie.

"I'm sorry, what are you two arranging?"

"We're arranging your love life. We're going to let you two have dinner together. But you have to be back in our room at 11:30 and we will go out just us girls after. That way, the four of us can ensure Aro is gone, or at least out of the way."

"I don't think Edward is going to be out of the sight of his security team."

"Of course he will be. Even that freak doesn't know who he really is. But it is a bit disturbing that she knew the Seattle studio was the one where the show is being transmitted from." It was now Rose's turn to bite her nails.

"We'll just stay in the hotel and order room service. It would be nice to do a normal date type thing without you two, or the other two for that matter, being outside our door timing us and listening for smexy times."

"I was listening for smexy times, Rose was arguing with Jerkett, as she calls him."

"He is a Jerkett. A Jerkett who is gonna go down."

"On you...ow!" Alice rubbed her arm where Rose had punched her.

"Why couldn't Bells have punched me? She's a bloody weakling. Ow, Amazon girl."

"The pair of you are gonna shut up about my lack of physical..." Bella didn't get to finish her sentence. Her semi-tirade was interrupted by her phone, which she answered like a teenage girl on prom night.

"Hello, Bella Swan speaking"

"Hi Juliette"

"Hi, yourself. How's your arm?"

"Stinging. I'm sweating like a pig. Aro insisted I keep wearing the ski-mask at the hospital and he paid the bill in full so no one can track who I am...and get this, he videotaped the suturing on his damned phone from a slit in the curtains. Somehow I don't think he has my best interests at heart."

"We were having a discussion earlier about the same thing."

"Oh, so you were worried about me? I didn't know because you weren't there holding my hand while a very pretty doctor stitched me up."

"She was pretty was she?" Bella hoped the sound of jealousy wasn't tainting her voice.

"Yes. At least 65, grey hair and wore bifocals to do the fifteen stitches in my arm. The bite mark will probably scar though."

"So women with grey hair do it for you?"

"Yeah, obviously. She was hot. Even her lavender scent is hard for me to get out of my head. Mostly because it was so overbearing. I forgot that your olfactory senses get worse as you get older. She must bathe in that perfume. So wanna go out with me tonight and I'll show you my war wounds?"

"That would be lovely. Can you ditch the wingmen? Room service in my room at say 7:00?"

"Ooh that's Granny's dinner time."

"Yeah, well, after that we can talk or whatever..."

"Is "whatever" the new codeword for what old people are calling stuff these days?"

"Watch it, buster, or I'll get dressed up as a granny and try to feel you up."

"Hmmm, that's just the best image you could have left me with. I'll see you at 7:00?"

"7:00 it is."

"Oh, and Bells?"

"Yes?"

"Have a Granny nap beforehand. You might need your energy."

~~OtA~~

**Thanks for reading. Thanks to my Beta and my prereader - FicObsessed and Elaine67. **

**I have a one shot going up at Fandom Fights the Floods, its called "The Storm." Its about a weatherman Edward who uses dirty double entendres during his weather report to drive his research assistant, Bella, absolutely wild. Includes plane sex, (not plain sex) and bathroom banging. It might help you if you are finding this story lacking in smexy times at the moment.**** www (Dot)fandomsfightthefloods(dot)blogspot(dot)com **

**This is the website should you desire to donate and read- 285 ish authors have donated their stories and I am certain there will be something that you will find tantalizing amongst them!**


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

As per usual, SM owns everything. Would love it if she wanted to own this story to...sigh...

~~OtA~~

EPOV

Edward hazily opened one eye, concentrating on keeping the contents of his stomach where it was supposed to be. He recalled someone at some point inferring that it wasn't a good night in Vegas if you could remember all of it.

Given his current condition, it must have been the singularly most awesome night that anyone had experienced on God's good earth.

His mouth felt like gravel and his head was pounding like a ten year old taking his first drum lesson. He opened his eyes and tried to take stock of where he was. Generic hotel room, unfamiliar. Was he in Bella's room? It looked like the lounge room. Gingerly turning his head, he found they were sprawled on the floor near the couch, tangled half in, half out of the bedding. He gazed at the ceiling, attempting to focus as he did a self assessment.

Shirt - half buttoned. Trousers - off. Underwear - on. Right foot -sock on. Left foot - sock off. Right hand - clutching a poker chip. Left hand - clutching something warm and squishy. Warm and squishy?

He rolled to his left side for further investigation.

Was that a…? Oh yes, it was a breast.

A breast covered in a flesh colored t-shirt bra.

A breast attached to a sleeping Bella, who despite her makeup being smeared, was still rather beautiful. He thought he probably should move his hand before Bella woke up. Five minutes later, when Bella started to stir, he was still thinking that same thought.

"Sshhh, stop blinking so loud!" Bella complained.

"Shhhh, yourself. Fuck my head is killing me." Edward sat up, hoping the change in position would make him feel better. Making sure Bella remained covered, he turned to her and asked her the question that needed to be asked.

"What the hell happened last night?"

"I have no idea. No bloody idea at all."

He noticed Bella taking stock of her surroundings, much like he did earlier.

Bella lifted up the bedspread to look at her own body.

"I'm not wearing any panties! Oh fuck, Edward! Did we er, fuck?

Edward tried very hard to remember.

He thought he would remember tapping something as fine looking as he imagined a semi-naked Bella to be. But for the life of him he could only remember a few snippets from the night before.

"I remember bits and pieces, like having a very nice dinner in your room," he recalled.

Bella nodded, advancing the evening a step forward for them with a memory of her own.

"I remember not having enough choices of dessert, then going downstairs." She looked around, looking for clothes obviously, which Edward passed to her and then covered his eyes with his hands.

He continued to talk while his mind wandered to what she looked like as she was getting dressed.

"So we went for dessert and then there were drinks. I think there were lots of drinks. There was a man chatting you up, then, um, yep that's where it fades to grey."

"Yeah, that creepy guy. Pony tail. Blonde. Weirdo. Nope, don't remember anything after that."

"Bella, do you think maybe your drink was spiked? Didn't we share some weird massive cocktail? I remember chocolate and marshmallows on top."

"Oh yeah, a S'mores Cocktail. I think it was delicious. You're right though, our evening kind of ends there in my memory too." Her voice was temporarily smothered by her shirt being put back on. He could hear the zip of her skirt shortly afterwards.

"Ok Ed, I'm decent. You can get dressed really quietly now." She paused before gently lowering herself onto the couch on the other side of the room. "I guess a spiked drink is a possibility. What guy would think that another guy would even attempt to drink such a girlie cocktail?"

"True…did you just manage to insult my manliness as well agree with me in that conversation?" He managed a smirk amidst his obvious confusion.

He thought it out. Spiked drink. Missing hours. Drunk, semi naked in her room. Wing men and women, missing. He stumbled through getting dressed and searched for his mobile. Maybe some texts had some answers.

"Check your mobile Bella. Maybe the crew tried to text us, maybe we texted back. Maybe they have a reasonable answer."

As if the Gods were conspiring, his mobile rang, shattering the remaining synapses in his brain.

It was Emmet. And he was none too happy.

"Where the fuck are you? We've been looking for you two since 11:00 last night. We came to the girls' room, nothing. Checked our room, nothing. We've been going through strip joints and casinos for hours. Did you not get one of our texts man?"

"Emmet, neither of us has any idea at all where we've been. From what we can figure, we wound up at a bar drinking, Bella's drink got spiked and somehow the pair of us just made our way back to her room and we passed out. How did you manage not to notice us? We're in the lounge room."

"No, idiot. I'm in the girls' lounge room. Go look at your room number; you two must have booked another room." Edward did what Emmet told him. Closing the door he realized Emmet was right, they were in another room. Bella chose that moment to re-enter the room from the bedroom and discovered the room conundrum.

"Some prick has taken all my clothes - the bags and everything! Edward, this is messed up. Do you think they drugged us just to rob us?" She walked around the room looking for her missing luggage.

"Nope…different room. Apparently in our drunken stupor we managed to check in to our own room."

"Bloody hell." Bella sat on the floor, putting her head in her hands.

"Um, Emmet, we're in room 901. Can the girls bring up some clothes for Bella, her toothbrush and whatever, you know, girl things she might need?"

"Edward, this is fucked up."

BPOV

Bella jumped in the shower once the girls arrived with her gear. As she enjoyed the heat pouring over her body, she thought about whether or not she had actually slept with Cullen. She felt slightly sore, but nothing like she imagined she would be if she fucked him. And she had looked... the man was packing heat. Heat she imagined that, if he had in fact defiled her, would be felt for days afterwards.

She felt like she had bruising happening at the top of her pubic region. But she was accident prone, and a good shove into a table might have had the same effect. Maybe she could go to a gynecologist and get herself checked out. She didn't even have a gynecologist. Virgins didn't need them, did they? She'd ask Alice who hers was. Hopefully she could get an appointment quickly.

She walked out to the lounge where Edward was obviously being grilled by both sets of friends.

Rose was pacing; Emmet, a mirror image. They looked like they were playing good cop-bad cop, except they hadn't discussed which one was going to be which and both were going into bad cop mode.

"How can you both be so irresponsible?" Emmet was towering over Edward, hands on hips.

"Yes Edward, absolutely irresponsible! I can't believe that the pair of you managed to lose us for a night. We split up to search for you! Emmet and I went through all the casinos; poor Jasper and Alice went through several unsavory nightclubs." Rose stopped her pacing, but made good use of her arms flapping to get the point across. She was pissed.

"Your stalker chick got out on bail. What if she put two and two together and worked out who you are? There goes your privacy."

"And you didn't even think of the consequences to the radio station or to her career. What if Aro saw you? He's a friggin creep, Edward! You know he would hang her out to dry given the chance."

Bella cleared her throat, effectively ending Rose and Emmet's interrogation.

"Aren't you going to yell at me too, Mom and Dad? I was naughty too…" Bella asked. Edward grinned at her, knowing that their lack of memories of the night before meant the tirade he was hearing was virtually useless.

They could've been saints or sinners, they would probably never know. Well…at least not until footage appeared on YouTube.

"We truly don't know what happened last night. So until someone proves otherwise, we're going to plead complete and utter ignorance, because that's the truth. Our drinks were spiked. We had a night of Rohypnol induced nothing. We're safe. We made it back in one piece. We even had enough balls to run away from you guys and have time together. Or maybe we were kidnapped and they were going to kill us until they ran screaming because of Edward's morning breath. Either way, for the moment, we are fine."

Their friends looked resigned to agree that no harm no foul was possibly the way to play the evening. Bella noticed that Alice and Jasper had both been very quiet, standing on separate sides of the room.

And suddenly it dawned on Bella.

"Bloody Hell – you two slept together!"

~~OtA~~

Thanks for reading. Really, thank you very much. I enjoy your comments. I appreciate that some people want lemons. Lemons next chapter. I promise. I think. You just never know where my brain might lead.

Thanks to FicObsessed (who battled through sick kiddies to Beta) and Elaine67 (who battled through moving house and breaking china) and Cocoalvinoz (she always writes a review for my fic, she also writes a fic called "It All" its slash if you are into that thing-go have a look, she is an awesome chick).

Next chapter coming when I can stay awake past 8 at night...xx Bells

PS Fandom 4 Floods raised over $15000 Go there and donate cherubs. I mean donate money not your cherubs...


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

~~OtA~~

JPOV

(7 Hours earlier)

Jasper watched as Alice ran her hands through her hair, pacing back and forth in the girls' suite. The same suite that Edward and Bella were currently supposed to be in.

"This is getting ridiculous! What if something's happened? What if that deranged red head has done something to them?"

"Or worse," stated Jasper.

"What would be worse?"

"Aro could have found out about their relationship."

Alice's color drained at Jasper's suggestion.

"Aro's gone isn't he? Didn't his flight leave this afternoon, after Edward made his statement to the police?"

"Yeah, the money hungry bastard went flying back to arrange some late night talk show interviews for Monday night. Nothing like a near death experience for one of his stars to suddenly make him work hard. The guy is unscrupulous. I wouldn't be surprised if he found out Red's address and was arranging for her to stab him at one of the interviews. You know, create some real drama, increase the ratings."

"Hasn't Elvis made more dead than when he was alive?" Alice clapped her hand over her mouth. "Oh shit Jasper, I didn't mean that! I'm sure he's fine. He's with Bella."

"Ha! She could have tripped, hurdling them down an embankment and now they both have broken bones?"

Alice giggled. "No Jasper, more likely Edward fell into Bella, then out of Bella and then into her again..."

"You have such a dirty mind."

"And sadly, my dear southern friend, you do not."

Jasper smiled at his small companion.

"Why Ma'am, whatever are you implying?" He walked over to her, backing her up against the wall.

"I'm through with implying, kind sir. Perhaps you would like to stumble in and out of me for the rest of the evening?" Alice put on her best Southern Belle accent.

"Why Ma'am, I don't believe that I would ever 'stumble' , if you are talking about doing things with both of our southern regions."

"Did you just talk dirty geography to me? Because kind sir, I feel an episode of the vapors coming on, and I may just expire on the floor. While I'm down there, I may just explore _your_ southern regions."

"Why Ma'am, with your height, you wouldn't even have to kneel upon the floor."

"Why sir, did you just imply I …?"

"I would never imply anything of the sort Ma'am," interrupted Jasper. "I would make a statement."

"Why sir, you flatter me so, but you know what they say about small women."

"No Ma'am, I'm afraid I do not."

"That you should probably not talk down to them, but get them naked and fuck them against a wall."

Alice watched Jasper's pupils dilate.

"Why Ma'am, it would be a pleasure to..."

"Shut up, Southerner."

Alice leaped up onto Jaspers hips, climbing his body like a limber monkey. She ground her hips into his erection, making Jasper let out small grunts at the enjoyable level of friction she was giving him.

Viciously opened his mouth and plunged in her tongue. He caught the tip of her tongue, sucking and biting, knowing it was making her wetter by the second.

She pulled away from him for a moment.

"I think we have a problem."

Jasper looked at the door, thinking someone to had entered the room. He looked at the woman who had mounted his body. "What's wrong?"

"We both have too many fucking clothes on!"

"Bloody hell, you have a dirty mouth!"

"Can I put it on your cock as you get undressed?"

'Why Ma'am, it would be nothing if not proper."

"Fuck! Your southern accent is fucking gorgeous. If you don't hurry up, I'm going to dry hump your leg."

"I want you wet the first time we fuck." Alice groaned at his suggestion.

"As long we're naked, I'm pretty sure we'll be fucking wet. Damn I feel slutty, this has happened way too quick."

Jasper paused at her statement. Well, paused as much as he could while Alice frantically worked at his buttons while she sucked at his neck.

"Why M'aam, I mean Alice. We can stop. Really, it's okay. You're right. We got carried away." He half heartedly made an attempt to push her away. Ok, he gently pushed her with his pinky finger.

"You've already proposed, I've already accepted, and we've planned where our children are going to school. I think it's a bit backwards if you don't at least fuck my brains out sometime in the near future."

"You are very wise and sensible my beautiful little friend."

"You think I'm beautiful?" Alice hid her head in Jaspers chest, hoping he wouldn't see her blush.

"Yes Ma'am."

"That's so sweet."

"Yes Ma'am."

"Can we shut up and make love now?"

"That would be better than fucking."

"Oh Jasper, you are last of the true romantics."

Jasper put his hands through Alice's hair and backed them into the bedroom, falling onto the first bed that he ran into. He scooted Alice's body back up to the top of the bed, and began to undo the zipper at the side of her dress. It required more concentration than he was used to.

"Um Alice, how do I get this contraption off of you?"

"Just slide it up, and then… oh fuck it, I'll just have to jump up and take it off."

Alice was normally known for her gracefulness. Not the case tonight though, because as she moved, she managed to lift her knee straight into Jasper's nose as she attempted to get off bed.

Jasper went down like a sack of shit.

"Oh shit! Shit! Shit! Jasper! Oh my God, what did I do?" Alice was immediately on the floor by his side, grasping his face in her hands. Blood began to dribble down the sides of her palms.

"Bloody, bloody, bloody, blinking hell!" His face felt like he had gone ten rounds with Tyson. He wasn't too sure if nasal bone had made its way into grey matter. He was seeing stars and he could feel the stickiness of blood running down his face.

He could feel a strange, surging, roar going through his mind. Alice had blood on her hands. His blood. Oh shit, he was bleeding.

And he promptly fainted.

~~OtA~~

Jasper awoke to a very naked Alice tending his nose with a cold washcloth. Evidently it wasn't as bad as he first thought.

"I was going to start sucking on your cock in a minute if the bleeding didn't stop," Alice said in a small voice.

"What was the rationale for that?" He lifted himself onto his elbows, noticing for the first time that he was naked too. How did the little minx manage to strip him so quickly? Or was he out for longer than he thought?

"Well…I figured I had to stem the flow of blood from your face, so I thought if I sucked on your cock it would become engorged with blood, thus diverting it from your nose." She smiled meekly at him, tilting her head coyly.

"Alice, were you going to take advantage of me while I was unconscious? That doesn't seem very gallant of you," Jasper teased.

"I'm a damsel in distress. My man evidently faints at the first sight of blood. Apart from waving smelling salts under your nose, the only way I could ease my horny distress was to jump you while you were out of it. You were being gallant by rescuing me from my distressing need for an orgasm. Or something like that. I really am very sorry about your face."

"How bad is it?"

"It looks ok, but it might need me to kiss it better."

"That would be very nice." Jasper laid his head down and felt the gentle kiss that Alice planted on his now only mildly sore nose.

"Mmmm, yes my nose feels better now. But there is a pain a little further down."

"Oh Jasper, you poor baby! I can't have you in pain, sweetheart." She kissed the base of his neck.

"Alice, sweetie, it's just a little further down."

Alice kissed each of his pecs, very slowly and softly.

"Mmmm, Alice, that was good, just a little further down."

Alice made her way slowly down his body, kissing and licking her way down to his belly button.

"Is it still lower Jasper?"

"Yes, very painful, but just a little, little bit lower..."

He gasped as she took his length quickly into her mouth, sliding down his erect length. He was certain he felt her vocal chords as his dick made its way down her throat.

Alice quickly released him.

"Why, Mr. Jasper, that seemed to cause you more pain than anything." She looked up at him with her enormous eyes, as she ran her tongue along her lower lip.

"I think the pain got a little better. Maybe you could do it again a few times?"

Alice happily obliged, humming as she attempted to ease the phantom cock pain her suitor was experiencing. Within minutes he was sighing happily, his breath quickening as the blood further engorged his member.

"Oh fuck Alice, I'm gonna come..."

"Do it baby, it will ease the pain." Her voice came out in little pants. She was enjoying this as much as he was. She was a master at member management. As his cock pulsated with a pressure even he didn't know existed he was certain of one thing.

He only wanted one girl mastering his member for the rest of his days...

~~OtA~~

Ok...so this one might have to be a two parter chapter...maybe? Let me know if you want more Jasper and Alice action.

As always thank you to my awesome prereader Elaine67, and the talented FicObsessed, my Beta, both of whom have had manic, manic weeks. Hope RL settles down... xxx

Bells.

PS I had my graduation ceremony for my Masters Degree!


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

~~OtA~~

Hey BB's I wanted to do a chapter in first person, after all I am learning to write here aren't I?

**APOV**

I like cock. Really, don't get me wrong, but all cock prior to this one has just been, well, nothing. Well, not nothing. Insignificant.

This cock is the cock I'm going to marry. The one I will make babies with. The one that will cause me to make loud, insane, screaming noises so that he'll have to cover my mouth so we don't wake up the neighbors. In the next house. Several miles down the road from our acreage weekender.

Jasper seems to have recovered from his head injury and his other head is doing very nicely too. We're resting now, my perspiring naked body half on top of his, my leg thrown over his thighs in a possessive kind of way. This boy is mine. All mine. Every bit of him. Even the bit I'm finding I'd like to have inside me again, sometime soon.

My mouth has been absentmindedly caressing his chest, coaxing my cocky little friend to rise again. I grin and lift my head to stare into those amazing eyes of his, sweat trickling down his forehead and into his messy hair.

"Hey, big boy, wanna go again?" I ask him in a husky voice. The screaming might have had something to do with it. And the giggling that followed. I think Jasper was quite shocked that I'm so verbal.

"Yes Ma'am" he murmurs, his mouth once again covering mine. I lick the back of his teeth, our tongues touching and pressing against each others. I want to be devoured by this man; his taste, his touch sending direct signals to my pussy.

He rips open a condom, which mysteriously appeared from nowhere and I am eternally grateful for the condom fairy or whatever the fuck delivered the packet to our room. Actually, I think it was room service. Jasper had been on the phone with them ordering up some dessert to have with, well dessert. These might have been some extras on the side.

Within microseconds I'm mounting him again, sliding astonishingly easy onto his cock. It's like I belong here, mated with him, for all eternity. Our parts are just meant for each other.

Jasper makes little happy sounds, hissing delighted "Aw's and Ah's". I push up from his chest and plant my knees on the floor, moving an inch further down his body. The resistance from the slightly off center maneuver makes for delightful friction. Jasper grabs my ass, forcing me to ride him. It maximizes the sensation for both of us, the rhythm helping to grind his length into me and hitting all the right places.

We turn prehistoric, grunting and grinding in the most basic primal need for each other. I love the noises he makes. I could never stand couples who talked during sex. I once had a boyfriend that used to say "Come for me, baby." I faked it every time. He couldn't tell the difference and I have dared every man since to be able to feel when I come.

Except this man. I don't give a shit if I come or not, it's overrated when the fucking feels this good. I don't want it to end. The pressure from his strong hands on my ass…it's like he's an animal. It says that he is equally as possessive of me as I am of him. I hope his hands leave a mark. I want proof of this night.

Sadly, he moved his hands away from my butt, caressing it languidly up my back and in a flash, he flips us over, giving me a half smile as we remain connected during the little gymnastic turn. He grinds himself slower into me, his forehead resting upon mine. Slowly, he moves his face down to kiss me. His tongue invades my mouth again, mimicking the motions of his cock. In. Out. In. Out. It's a rhythm like breathing and I think I'm starting to feel that I need him like I need air. In. Out. I pant, making little noises as he continues. In. Out.

The heat in my pussy rises, the pressure of blood, pushing on nerve endings, moistening the hole in which in he's driving. In. Out. His breathing has become as irregular as mine. He stops his tongue and kisses me deeply. My pussy responds. All sensation is heightened. In. Out. In. Out. He takes my bottom lip in his teeth, slowly, pulling gently. It feels like my lips are connected by a string to where he is grinding. In. Out.

He releases my lip and looks at me, all bent out of shape and sexy. In. Out. A look that tells me he can't hold off anymore. I feel the warm gush of his fluids, trapped in the sheath. His face is a mixture of pleasure and pain. He slowly withdraws from me, discarding the evidence of our fucking in the trashcan. He nestles beside me, tucking his arm underneath my head. A sexy, sweaty flesh pillow.

He kisses me on my forehead.

I feel safe. And loved.

I am home.

Two hours later a text message wakes us up.

It's from Rosalie.

"We are having no luck, how are you doing?"

I text back,

"No luck finding them. We've ducked in and out of so many places we're losing track!"

Rose is going to fucking kill me.

~~OtA~~


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23.

Praise be to Stephenie Meyer. She owns the characters. I love her lots.

The journey back to Seattle was decidedly different from the journey to Vegas.

Alice and Jasper remained nauseating in their courtship. They talked non stop throughout the return flight to each other. Mostly about imaginary children and their names.

Rosalie and Emmett steadfastly ignored the living shit out of each other. Two words were spoken between them during the flight. Rose told off Emmett as he jumped in the seat that should have been occupied by Alice, and in her matriarchal disapproving voice she said to him "EXCUSE ME!", to which Emmet replied rather succinctly with his middle finger.

Rose huffed and Emmett puffed, but they did not blow the plane down.

Edward looked pale and frightened, perhaps more so because he was sitting next to Jasper who was ignoring him instead of taking on wingman duties. Bella sat behind him, next to Miss Prim and Proper and the Jester and she tried to sooth him by touching his shoulder and gently rubbing his neck during take off. For the first time ever on a flight he managed to breathe and fall asleep without the aid of medications and booze.

The return to Seattle however, bought with it a reality check.

Normally, the morning after, or the one after that, or even three weeks later, can be very difficult for some people. There is the awkwardness, did he/she like it, did the person at the other end of the table like my body, are they looking weirdly at me and is it going to happen again?

In this case both parties were in all new territory. It was the morning after, but the morning after what exactly?

Bella had attended Alice's gynecologist. He confirmed that she did not appear to have had penetrative sex. That her hymen was broken, but that this was common in athletic young ladies.

It had been very embarrassing to receive a safe sex talk from a man 40 years her senior.

At least she had some comfort in the knowledge that they had not had "unforgettable sex" in the very true meaning of the words. Edward still looked amazing and smelled amazing and was amazing, but she was just far too embarrassed to even converse with him other than to quickly email him.

From: Dodgy Juliet

Subject: Appears No

She couldn't even fill in the message, just leaving it blank. She was a gutless piece of chicken shit.

In the lengthy days and weeks of mostly awkward silence between them Edward managed to complete his court ordered good behavior period. He kept his show clean, he had even done a quick stint on the talk show circuit, showing off his stitches, with the balaclava firmly covering up his face.

Bella had reported to the court that he had met all of the criteria as was required. They had tiptoed around each other, barely speaking or making eye contact. For weeks she had stayed at one end of the room and he in the other. It was altogether too embarrassing for words.

Alice and Jasper watched with quiet fascination the way both parties desperately tried to pretend that the earth had swallowed each of them up and that the other party did not exist.

"You know what they are both look like?" Alice inquired of her beau.

"Nope my fair lady, enlighten me". Jasper cooed in her general direction.

"Like two people who didn't screw but who really should have."

"Well not everyone can find their true soulmate and live happily ever after."

"True." And then more sex ensued.

Every week Bella continued to work with the children in the women's shelter, planning and organizing for how they would manage the second component of Edward's court appointed punishment. His community service. She was at the centre that morning, ready to take Edward through his orientation.

"Hey Bella baby, you know Teddy is coming tomorrow, you should show up , meet a really nice man." Zafrina one of the centre managers was trying her best at matchmaking.

The workers at the centre were relentless in their push for Bella to date one delectable male volunteer called Teddy who had worked wonders with one particularly quiet little boy who had witnessed domestic violence between his parents. Bella had spent time with him, talking and playing card games, over several months and when he finally spoke to her it was to tell her about Teddy.

"Do you know Teddy, Bella?" Little Jake inquired in a soft and unfamiliar voice.

Bella was surprised at first as this was the first utterance he had made to her.

"I haven't met him Jake. Is he your friend?" Bella spoke quietly hoping she might get some conversation out of the frail small boy.

Jake paused before answering. Probably considering for the first time in his life what the concept of friend meant.

"He is my friend. I think. He would be a good friend for you Bella. You look lonely." She smiled at his attempt at making an astute observation.

"Oh I am never alone, I am very busy with lots of people here Jake"

"Yes but if you had a friend like Teddy he could teach you how to make a paper airplane that fly's in a circle. Thats really hard to do."

"I think I would love it if you showed me how to do that."

"Teddy says it is a secret, but I can show it to you because I think you are kinda..." His voice trailed off and he returned to staring at the floor.

"Kinda what Jake?" She looked at him, trying to make eye contact.

"You are kinda special." He quickly hugged her and left the room.

Bella felt goosebumps rise on her body. It was the most conversation she had ever had with him and he had also managed to show affection. There was hope for him yet.

The front door chimed and Bella walked to check the security gate. Edward was standing at the door, looking rather uncomfortable. She guessed he was not familiar with safe houses and domestic violence and teary scared women. She had sent him a brief about the home, and now she wished she had spoken with him at length about what to expect and how to manage his time here.

But she had been a wuss and had virtually ignored him for weeks, and now she was supposed to orientate him to the service that had provided her with so much personal fulfillment. She hoped even though his time here was forced that he would at least gain an understanding of why she was so passionate about protecting and helping these women and children.

She took a deep breath and walked to the door, releasing the lock on the first and then second security gates. Edward walked in.

He looked rather nervous, his hands in his pockets.

"Bella there is something I have got to tell you, its just killing me..." He ran his hands through his hair as he walked over the threshold.

Bella suddenly felt awkward, she hoped he wasn't freaking out already. She wrapped her arms around herself preparing for the worst.

A small child came running, launching himself into the air and strangling Edward around the throat.

"Teddy! You came a day early!"

-OtA-

Authors note.

Bad Izbels...Bad, bad bad bad Izbels.

A thousand apologies. Please don't hate me.

Next chapter out in two daysish to make up for my abhorrent behaviour.

Love to my Beta and my pre-reader. Send a few prayers for Elaine67 for her hubby. He is having a few medical hiccups at present. She is a beautiful person and they deserve a long and beautiful life together.


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24.**

**Stephenie Meyer...Insert dislaimer here about how she owns it all, and how I do not.**

**Sadly.**

**Posting this pre going to my Beta. Sorry really wanted to post it. I kinda like it.**

OtA

Bella looked startled and took a miss step, correcting her footing and in some miracle remained upright.

"You're Teddy?" She tried unsuccessfully to maintain an even pitch to her voice.

"Um yeah, I am so sorry Bella, I tried to tell you and Zaf talked me out of it."

Little Jake looked back and forward between Edward and Bella, like he was watching a tennis match.

"But YOU are Teddy" She crossed her arms impatiently.

"Yes Bella, me Teddy, You Bella and this little ratbag is Tarzan who is strangling me like an anaconda" Edward smiled at Jake and tickled his side, causing him to giggle hysterically.

"Who is Tarzan?" inquired Jake.

"Tarzan is a stinky boy who runs around shirtless with big muscles and is

King of the Apes".

"Teddy I think you are fibbin', but that would be cool." Edward put him on the ground, mussed his hair up and pointed him to the kitchen.

"Hey little man how about you pop in there and tell Zaffy that I am here. Maybe she can be conned into making us some hot chocolate or something."

"Sure Teddy, I will use my manly charms on her." Jake turned around, winked at Edward and left the room.

"I did not teach him that. Ok maybe I did."

"You are Teddy. Why did Zafrina not tell me when she was doing your background checks?" Bella was tapping her foot, impatient to understand how she had not known this vital piece of information.

"...Because dear little Bella, I wanted to see you all put outta your britches. Look at you little cross mama. Tappy tappy with the foot. Ooh clever lawyer lady not so bright now is she Mr Teddy?" Zafrina's booming voice came into the room, her Jamaican accent adding to the mirth of the moment.

"Well ha ha you got me. The court is going to have a field day. They will make him do some other community service now, they'll extend his sentence. Our firm will be in deep deep doggy doo doo..."

"Oh hush child. They don't know he volunteer here already. And quite frankly I think they should forgive the man. Remember last year when I came home and my girlfriend was in bed with a man. Do you remember the tirade that I said how you heteros are all taken away the good women."

"No Zaff I have no recollection of any tirade." Bella was trying to be all lawyery and sensible, but Zaff was laying on her accent so thick it was so ridiculously hard not to find humour in her speech.

"Well if I had me a microphone then every man on this here earth would know how I feel. They just think they gots themselves a penis then they gots to use it. Anyway, the man here, he lose the plot for a day, he say some things that he no means, and its on public record until someone deletes the tape. He won't be the first man to make hasty comments in the heat of the hour, but he is only human. And Bella, he is one mighty fine man. If I was not so much into the ladies I would be admiring that fine piece of ass, instead you all bent outta shape! Enjoy your surprise Bella, this man's a catch. And I think he likes you girl!" With that Zafrina bumped her hip into Bella, effectively pushing her into Edwards arms as she left the room.

"My work here is done, booyachucka." Her deep gaffaws could be heard in the kitchen as she clunked around making hot chocolate.

"I didn't stand a chance really. Zaf has been telling me about you for a year now, and I have been trying to be the good boyfriend to Tanya, coming in on days when you weren't here and then after Tanya left, well I just didn't care to run into you. And then I found out you were the lawyer handling everything and it all got out of hand and I left it too long to let you know and well here we are." Edward was stunned that Bella had not moved out of his arms and was still standing with him. He had begun to absentmindedly rub his fingers up and down her back.

She slowly melted into him. Resistance was useless. Fate had handed her a good man, one who could manage to get a little boy to speak and to voice his fears and to interact with others again.

Men who are good with children are extra hot. Didn't the guy in that famous naked man with the baby photo screw something like 3000 women? Well there is your proof.

She put her hand on his face.

"I am sorry I ignored you, I am so embarrassed about Vegas, it just reinforces my whole V-card issue. I mean how could I forget if I slept with you? And then I was half naked and it was just ech..." Her voice trailed off into a whisper.

"Hey its ok, I mean you are one of the most gorgeous women I have ever met and Zaf and the others rave about you, and there was all that pressure, and I was trying not to be a dick and then I was half naked with you, I just felt like a jerk."

"Maybe we could start again?" She was thoroughly enjoying this closeness with him.

"Bella I need to get his court thing over, and we probably should tell them that I already volunteer here, but that I am very very willing to tell them that I will do the court ordered time. Jasper did all the arrangements and even he doesn't know that I come here of a weekend. Its my secret. Its how I redeem myself from being the dark lord of the microphone during the week."

"Wow so only one day of volunteering a week makes up for your week of jerkiness?" Bella had meant it to be a lighthearted joke. Edwards face fell and he held her gently by the shoulders, caressing her neck and staring straight into her face.

"I hate my job Bella and I am quitting. It was funny at first, but the consequences are just too far reaching. I hate myself most days and I am starting to think that DJ EC is starting to leak into my persona, and I don't want that anymore. I don't think I am a dick, but I am starting to cross the line. I would rather use my powers for good instead of evil."

Bella was touched. She couldn't believe that he had come to this resolution all by himself.

"You are going to quit? Really?"

"Yes. So from next month thats it, my contract ends and I am not renewing it."

"You being unemployed is the singularly sexiest thing I have ever heard." She slowly reached her arms up around his neck, standing on tip-toes she softly kissed his lips.

"OH NO TEDDY, She is going in for the kill, she is stranglin' ya like a conda! I will save you..." Jake ran and pounced on Bella.

**-OtA-**

**Cockblocked by Jake. Not many chapters left crew. I even have a really crappy outtake for last chapter. I may have been high when writing it.**


	25. Chapter 25

~OtA~

Chapter 25

**Blah blah blah, Stephenie Meyer, yadayada ya, she owns the characters. **

"Whoa! Hold on there!" Bella watched as Edward easily caught Jake mid-leap before he could pounce on her.. Chuckling, he sent Jake back to the kitchen, but only after promising that he wouldn't get any girl germs. That naughty Bella would just have to keep her distance. She was pretty sure he was lying.

They walked to the small office off the front reception room and shut the door as quietly as they could manage.

"So, what now my court appointed friend?" Edward asked as he gently put his hands onto her waist, bringing her closer to him. He sat on top of the small oak desk, his face searching hers for the permission to continue.

"I have no idea..." She breathed lightly into his ear.

She inhaled slowly and moved out of his grasp, backing towards the door.

"To be honest, I think the next step is to tell the judge we were half naked in Las Vegas, that you are known to this service already as a volunteer and that I should lose my license to practice in this state, if not every state I ever apply to, because of my misconduct." She hung her head. They needed to come clean.

Bella's phone rang. Startled, she looked at the screen and noticed it was Rose. She hit the busy button. She didn't want to talk to her at the moment.

"Then, after we face the mess that will be left after the shit hits the fan, well, I think I'd like to go on a date and do normal couple stuff. You know, considering I've already seen you half naked and all." She slowly walked towards him.

"Because to be honest, I find you intoxicatingly handsome, despite all the crassness of your alter ego. I think that you're the man I would like to hand my V-card over to."

She shyly looked at him from under her lowered lashes and smiled.

"Well," said Edward thoughtfully, "I would just like to walk around in public with you for starters. But I do feel obligated to you know, see you fully naked, since I've already seen you half naked...and take your V-card. But maybe we can do the whole courting thing prior to that."

"Why, Edward Cullen, are you an old fashioned boy?" She touched his face with her finger tips, finally resting them on his lips.

"Can I kiss you now or is that off limits?"

He gently took her hand, turning it around and kissing it gently.

"I think that's a good start." He leaned in towards her, closing his eyes as she closed hers...

And the moment was ruined by Rose. Ringing. Again.

"Ugghhh! There is so much cockblocking going on! Just let me get this!" She swirled around, grabbing the phone out of her pocket.

"This had better be good Rosalie Hale or so help me..." Bella paused, a look of concern replaced her anger.

"Just wait. Stop Rosie, just let me put this on speaker. I'm with Edward; he should probably hear this too." Rose's voice switched over to speaker phone mid-sentence.

"Fine, I'll repeat it for the scoundrel's benefit."

"Umm, Rose you're on speaker phone now."

"O-be kaybe, little bit of warning there next time Bells. Um, yep, so Jenks worked his magic. He managed to get some video from the night you were, you know, um, indisposed. Bells this is gonna be a bit of a mixed bag for you guys, do you want the good news or the bad news first?"

Bella looked at Edward, both wondering just what the hell was Rose carrying on about.

"Rose just tell us, go for good news first."

"Ok. Good news. You were drugged. There is evidence of a woman putting a powdered substance into both of your drinks. She sits there for ages, watching how you two are handling it and then when you left, she followed you out."

"So that explains the missing hours, was it roofies or something?" Edward asked, rubbing Bella's back as Rose continued.

Ignoring him, Rosalie continued, "Jenks has a series of different videos showing various the casinos and restaurants you stopped at along the way." She paused, a bit before continuing. "Um, Bells, do you really want this on speaker phone?" Rose sounded like she really didn't want to tell them the "bad" portion of the story.

"Come on, Rose, shit or get off the pot, just tell us already!" Bella was growing impatient. She liked facts. Quick facts, presented briefly, succinctly and preferably, accurately.

"Well… you went and did what idiots do in Las Vegas."

"We didn't get tats, Rose."

"No, um Bells, you and Edward. You… you got married."

Bella's phone managed to survive the impact of hitting the timber floor. Edward spent a lot of time not blinking.

"Holy. Shit." Bella sat on the floor, piecing her phone back together, the SIM card had managed to be ejected from its hidey hole. Her hands were shaking so badly she could barely slip the card in correctly.

She rang Rose back on speakerphone immediately after the problem was rectified.

"We just went into the chapel for fun or did we really do the whole deed?"

"Oh, you definitely did the deed, and our mystery lady was your witness. She generously took your copy of the marriage certificate too, by the way. Jenks has secured another copy. Bells, you know you didn't consummate anything; it's all fine, honey. We just tell the judge that you were drugged and that you wound up in a hotel room, falling asleep in separate areas, with no recollection of what happened. Jenks says that Rohypnol can make you forget hours of your life and that you can be mildly sedated, but can walk and talk and be relatively functioning. Guess you guys just looked like a couple of drunks in love. It will be okay, Bells. We can get this thing annulled, we'll let the judge know and there will be no misconduct."

Bella let the words sink in.

"Do we know who this woman is?"

"Yeah, we do. Does the name Gianna Balini sound familiar?"

Edward began blinking again.

"She's the other woman. She's Tanya's girlfriend." He almost choked on the last sentence.

"She has a history of restraining orders, Edward. She's stalked the ex's of every woman she's dated. Jenks says she's a complete nut job; has a mega trust fund and enjoys messing with people's lives.

She was charged with drugging a woman that was the ex of her last partner. Roofied her, and watched the woman walk in front of a car and get seriously injured. Jenks says that a lot of money exchanged hands and the charges were dropped. She was in a mental health facility for a few months, and after that she started up with Tanya. She is quite unstable. I guess she wanted to make sure you were out of the picture."

"Does she know that I'm DJ EC?"

"Edward, she has a lot of time on her hands. If Tanya spilled the beans, then most likely yes. So, at the moment she's a nutcase with evidence that you two are married, and she's most likely waiting for when you go back on air in a week to expose you. Or blackmail you. Or let the judge know. Or any number of crazy things. She has a lot of power in her hands with that little piece of paper."

"Then we need to talk strategy. We need to get to the judge first thing Monday morning. We put the spin on it that Edward is a victim in this. The judge doesn't need to know that we were naked. We come clean now that we know that there was more to it. Rose, we also need to come clean and let the judge know that Edward is Teddy."

"Shut the gate! You're kidding me? Zaff has been going on about how perfect he is for you! Oh my goodness! Bells, he got Jake to talk. You need to take me off speaker phone, because I hate him and love him at the same time and I want him to still think I hate him. Err, bye, Edward."

"Am I off speaker phone?"

Bella pushed the button and walked away from Edward.

"Yes, Rose."

"You have to marry him. Seriously, he's a keeper. Zaff says he is amazing. He spends hours there on a Sunday, he's so patient with the kids, and the moms all trust him. But I hate his job, Bells. You gotta get him out of that career, honey..."

"Rose, one, I already am married to him and two, he's quitting on Monday. I gotta go honey, we have a lot to process." Rose bid farewell and Bella hung up.

She sat herself on the overstuffed couch in the corner of the room.

Edward timidly joined her.

"So, hi Mrs. Cullen." He waved his fingers at her, then proceeded to run his hands through his hair at a ridiculously slow and obviously stressed pace.

"I would most likely be keeping the Swan, and ditching the Cullen." She put her head on the back of the couch and commenced staring at the ceiling for all it was worth.

"This is a pretty interesting turn of events. Interesting turn, indeedy."

"That's an understatement. Our roofied selves got married, Edward."

"I like our roofied selves. They're all romantic and carefree and just go for it."

"True. That's the benefit of being completely drugged out. You don't have to think of the consequences."

"I say damn the consequences. I didn't pick a very good partner sober, so who says that my drugged up self doesn't have excellent taste. I married you after all."

"Just didn't consummate it, my friend. So technically, we aren't really married." Bella poked Edward in the chest to confirm her point.

"Is that really a law, or was that some lie made up by the company that sells Viagra?" He leaned over and pulled her onto his lap so that she was straddling him. She didn't struggle. Bella put her hands on his shoulders and stroked his neck with her thumbs.

"Well, Mr. Cullen, we've managed to get ourselves married, ruin both of our careers and it's all your fault."

"How is it my fault?"

"Well, you're just so danged gorgeous, my roofied self just couldn't help it. I honestly don't give a crap about my career right now."

"Well, you probably proposed to me, so maybe I'm not the criminal in all of these events. I'm very irresistible. Women tell me that all the time."

"Women? What women?" Bella said in mock surprise.

"Oh, my mother and my grandmother. They tell me I'm irresistible on a constant basis. It's my burden and my curse."

"How do you manage?"

"I know not how. I really am sorry, Bells. You're an amazing lawyer. We'll figure this out. I won't let this ruin your career and everything else you've worked for. This place is important to me, too."

She bent down and kissed him. Edward kissed her in return. Moments were lost as they said all the words that needed to be said by touch alone.

It should have been simple. Boy meets girl. Girl likes boy, boy likes her. They fall in love and make little tiny versions of themselves all over the land. The End.

They were enjoying their few stolen moments when a frantic knock came at the door.

"Teddy! Teddy! You gotta come help!" It was Jake.

"Um, just busy matey." Edward covered Bella's mouth to stifle her giggles.

The little boy started to cry.

"Please Teddy, it's my mommy."

Edward moved Bella and opened the door. He could suddenly see what the boy was so panicked about.

Jake was now slumped on the floor, watching as a man, presumably his mother's ex boyfriend, had a knife to his mother's throat.

"How did you get in here?" Bella began.

Edward pulled the little boy up and handed him to Bella, pushing her behind the door to the office. He kept his eyes on the knife wielding man.

"So, help me out here, man. What's with the knife? It's not really needed, is it?" Edward spoke in his calm and serene voice.

"I will cut this bitch, man, if you come anywhere near me." He frantically waved the knife around, only to return it to where it had been pressing against the woman's throat.

"I'm not interested in stopping you dude. I'm all for families being together, just not really fond of the knife being so close to her throat. Maybe you could just drop it a bit. You can't even open the door to leave, your hands are full."

"I just want her to listen to my side for a while. I fucking love her, man. She's everything to me. It took me months to track her down. I just want to be with her. The kid can stay; I don't give a shit about the little prick."

The little boy was making small shallow breaths as he clutched onto Bella's neck. Bella felt the tension in his body. It mimicked hers.

"Yeah, kids can be a bit much, but hey, but no one wants your girlfriend hurt there, so tell me how I can help you."

"You can shut the fuck up. I just want to get out of here and talk with her man. That's all."

"Ok, well, that seems reasonable. I can open the door for you. It's a tricky lock. Just put the knife down, you still have hold of her. Catherine, you're happy to walk out with your boyfriend here aren't you. Just nod that you are happy."

Catherine was wide eyed and obviously in shock. She took a deep breath and swallowed a sob.

"Um, Yes" She nodded her head slowly.

Bella hoped that Edward knew what he was going to do.

"Catherine, what's your boyfriend's name?"

He answered for her. "It's Frank. I don't want to hurt her; I just want to talk to her."

"Well Frank, I think that's good. But the knife doesn't make for a good conversation piece. Catherine is happy to talk, but the knife, it has to go."

"She just needs to LISTEN to ME!" He held onto Catherine tighter.

"She can't hear so good with the knife against her throat. Frank, if you trip you'll kill her. She isn't fighting you. Catherine wants to talk. You are very close to killing her, Frank."

Franks eyes were darting all over the room. Tears started to fill his eyes.

"If you love her, you want her to live, just let her go. She wants to listen, Frank. She really does. I can see it."

Frank started to sob, mumbled something about loving her and dropped the knife. Edward reached over and yanked Catherine out of his slackened grip. Edward had Frank on the floor with his arms behind his back in seconds.

Sirens could be heard in the distance. Someone must have managed to trigger the "Code Black" button that was installed by the alarm company in the event that something like this would happen.

Edward was talking quietly with Frank, telling him what was going to happen and how Frank just needed to be calm and let things play out. He seemed to be listening, as he quietly sobbed and professed his love.

The police arrived shortly after. Frank was arrested, having breached his restraining order. They were all interviewed, but were informed they needed to come to the station to make statements in the next few days.

A few hours later, Jake was safely in bed, wrapped up in his mother's arms.

Bella and Edward finally had another moment alone.

She walked up to him, and wrapped her arms around him. She had tears in her eyes and she sighed with relief as she felt his beating heart with her cheek. She looked up at him.

"I'm happy to be Mrs. Cullen, if that's okay by you."

OtA

Hi guys, I am slack. I know. I apologize. The journey is coming very close to an end... Leave a review if you feel the need. Maybe with some direction as to where you would like the tale to go? Bahahahaha... no I have that covered!

As always, love to my Beta and Pre reader.


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26**

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters. I just make them do stupid unrealistic shit. If you are a lawyer please forgive my looseness with the judgey type talk. It is fiction.**

~~OtA~~

The six of them worked all day Sunday on the proposal to the judge in Edward's case.

Emmet managed to remain relatively level headed, mostly because he had the swearing bet with Rose and he was damned if she was going to win.

Alice thought it was all very romantic. Jasper agreed with Alice.

Rose was stoic in the face of adversity.

Edward was nauseated, more concerned over Bella's reputation being tarnished than facing any jail time.

Monday morning, Bella threw up 3 times after breakfast. A dull ache remained in her stomach as they waited for the judge's rooms to open at 8.30.

Judge Laurent was surprised to find them waiting outside his chambers.

" We apologize Judge Laurent, we have an urgent matter that may affect the way in which we continue to carry out our court appointed duties." Bella was trying to be professional, which was very difficult as her knees felt weak and she was certain she was going to vomit again.

"Very well, I have 15 minutes I can spare before I have to follow up on some other paperwork to a different case. This is all very inappropriate and will be duly noted." He gruffly walked past the reception area, where his secretary had not quite made an appearance yet.

They filed into his office, Bella and Rose taking seats in front of his desk, while the others sat on the two couches in his well appointed office.

"Your honor, there has been an unfortunate occurrence in Las Vegas, that we have only just gotten the details on, and we believe that we need to withdraw from our duties monitoring Mr. Cullen, um DJ EC."

"Is that so? And would these details have anything to do with the fact that you, Miss Swan, or should I say Mrs. Cullen, are now married to the gentleman that the court appointed you to monitor?"

Bella's usually pale skin became a ghastly white; Rose's mouth was opening and shutting like a goldfish. They had the best private investigator in the country on the matter, how did the Judge manage to know before they did that there was any impropriety?

"Young lady, I have a very factual marriage certificate in my hands. I believe in hearing both sides of the story before making judgment, but let me tell you, before you speak, that you may want to have your own attorney present and Mr. Cullen, you may want to acquire one as well. Now, are you aware of the penalties for such behavior?"

Bella cleared her choked up throat. This wasn't bad. She could handle this. The fact the judge knew before them was now almost a gift.

"Your Honor, the night in question, well the morning, er after so to speak, Mr. Cullen and I found ourselves in a hotel room, in separate rooms, with little to no memory of the evening in question. I attended a doctor shortly after, and we discovered that no inappropriate behavior had occurred, so we decided to investigate further into the events of the evening."

"I will need to see evidence of this from your doctor please, Miss Swan."

"Yes sir. We set about investigating the evening and the evidence has indicated it was most likely that both parties were Roofied."

"It is poor judgment on your behalf not to come forward with this Miss Swan."

"Yes, your honor. Hindsight is an amazing thing. After further investigation, we discovered this weekend that Mr. Cullen's ex has a partner with a history of violence and that she was the perpetrator of the drugging, and may have been fundamental in suggesting that the pair get married. We have some research here to suggest that the effects of the drug can make the recipient highly suggestible, and that appears to be the case here. As the drug wore off, we both had no recollection of the evening. Due to the fact that he had been violently attacked during his taping that day, we were even more aware of the likelihood that there may be attempts to commit further violence towards him, which is why we had one of us with him at all times until we returned to Seattle."

Judge Laurent leaned back on his chair, appearing to take into consideration the information bought to him.

"I was made aware this morning that Mr. Cullen managed to avert a violent situation that occurred in the women's shelter. Is that correct, Mr. Cullen?"

Edward sat forward, wanting to give the judge the respect he was due.

"Yes, Your Honor, the man in question was an ex-partner of one of the residents."

"I am also now aware, Mr, Cullen, that you already did volunteer work at this center?"

"Yes sir. Jasper wasn't aware of this, sir; it is something I have done for a while. He wasn't aware when he was organizing it, and I failed to bring it to Miss Swan's attention.

To be perfectly honest I attempted to tell her, but she thought I was trying to back out of doing the volunteer work there, so I just sort of let it go. Zaff, I mean Zaffrina, who is the manager of the center, had some romantic ideation about Miss Swan and me, so she did not report it to Miss Swan or the court. Please don't go too hard on Miss Swan or Zaffrina, they both had good intentions."

The judge let out a small laugh. The tension broke in the room instantly.

"Zaffy introduced my wife to me. She is a force to be reckoned with, that woman. I learned about 2 weeks ago that you were already volunteering there Mr. Cullen. In particular, Zaffrina was very hopeful that 2 solid weeks of working with a certain young child in the center might help him to be more verbal and to help overcome his PTSD. Due to Zaffrina, I have started to look upon you more favorably Mr. Cullen."

Bella was aware that she was starting to hold her breath.

"What would you deem to be appropriate to occur now, Your Honor?"

"Well, as this case was a breach of federal laws in regards to the conduct of Mr. Cullen, I will have to look very closely at the precedents involved. Given that you, Miss Swan, are an officer of the court, it would ordinarily not be looked upon lightly that you deceived the court. I will take into account that you were both unaware of the event of the evening in Las Vegas, as I have presided over many cases and have a fairly solid understanding of the effects of the drug rohypnol. Mr. Cullen has redeemed himself somewhat in the rehabilitation of the young lad at the center, and with the courage that he demonstrated during the domestic issue has made me view him in a far more favorable way than I would have several months ago."

"If it's any consolation Your Honor, I'm planning on leaving the radio station. The time I've spent with Miss Swan combined with the time spent under the court ordered direction has made me realize there is more to life than being a jerk, so I would like to devote more time to the center or working with other kids."

The judge put his fingers together and tapped his index fingers against his mouth.

"I guess the purpose of the sentence has been achieved. It appears you are rehabilitated. It would also appear that Miss Swan and her associates have been a good influence. Perhaps in light of recent events we can look at deeming your service completed, rendering your wife no longer required to supervise you. I'm assuming the doctor will confirm that that Miss Swan acted with propriety and that both of you were victims in this case. I will also assume that you will be proceeding with charges against the perpetrator."

Bella was trying to hold in the feelings of exhilaration she was feeling.

"In addition, I assume that you have some annulment papers that you would like to enter into the court."

Bella looked at Edward.

Rose butted in.

"Yes, Your Honor, they are going to be submitted this afternoon." She glared at Bella and Edward, daring them to disagree.

"Very well. Send the appropriate annulment paperwork in, the doctor's statement and if they are as you say, then I will deem this ended. One more thing Mr. Cullen,"

"Er, yes sir, Your Honor I mean."

"Zaffrina is a force to be reckoned with, but she is normally right. If she manages to influence you into dating Miss Swan, then please do so discretely. And the annulment is an exceptional idea. It will keep Miss Swan's reputation as a lawyer clear. Just make sure I get a wedding invitation to the next one in say, at least 18 months or so, and then we can say that we let bygones be bygones. As long as it isn't in Vegas. Agreed?"

"Yes Your Honor!" Edward reached forward and shook the judge's hand.

She wanted to grab Edwards hand as they walked out but she settled for a smile.

At least until she got him into bed with her that night.

**OtA**

**Thanks for sticking with me. Not long to go now. Do these two deserve a happy ending, or should I just keep cockblocking Edward and ruin Bella's Vagenda?**

***Yes I said Vagenda. If you watch Fringe you would understand.***


	27. Chapter 27

**Chapter 27.**

**Stephenie Meyer owns it all folks. Really, like everything. Except this ridiculous plot bunny. The plot bunny is mine, all mine.**

**EPOV**

"Holy shit, we got away with it!" Edward went to hug Bella and then thought better of it. They were still inside the court house and the last thing that he wanted was for Judge Laurent to bust in on their happiness parade and shoot it down again.

He looked over at Bella. The poor thing looked slightly dazed, with a strange expression on her face.

He couldn't wait to go out in public with her. His life was coming together. Or falling apart, depending on how you looked at it. Today he was going to tell Aro that he wasn't renewing his contract and then going to the shelter and play with Jake afterwards. Then he was going ask Bella over to his house and order in whatever the hell type of food that she liked.

They were going to have their first real date.

**BPOV**

Bella watched as Edward walked quietly beside them back to their respective vehicles. The plan for her for the day was to write up her summation for the court and send over to the Judge's rooms the documents he requested.

Then she was going to go to the beauty salon, have a facial and some grooming done, and then invite Edward over for dinner.

And then she was going to shag him senseless.

**EPOV**

To say that Aro didn't take his resignation very well was the understatement of the century. Did Attila the Hun take defeat lightly? Did Hitler gracefully watch the decline of the 3rd Reich? Aro's reaction was something akin to this.

"This is a 3-year, 12 million dollar deal you're passing up, my friend. This is the most foolish idea you've ever come up with. You're going to be poverty stricken and on the streets. I'm going to have a coronary. So are poor Emmett and Jasper, they'll never work in this town again..."

Edward tuned out his ranting. It was as bad as he had expected and he had managed to counter every argument that had been made.

"Aro, my contract with you ends next weeks ago, I would've signed up with no issues. But I can't bring 110% to the show anymore and you weren't exactly supportive when a fan attacked me. So no Aro, I'm not your meal ticket anymore, you should've planned a back up."

Aro's face reddened. "It's because of that namby-pamby, bloody, do-gooder lawyer isn't it? She screwing you, boy? Do you want Judge Laurent to know that?"

"Actually Aro, Judge Laurent is very aware of the non-existent situation between me and Miss Swan. He's very supportive of me ditching this job, so I would be very careful if I were you, and be aware of what slander means. I appreciate everything you've done for me Aro and I will give the show the sendoff that it needs. Maybe we can do a search for the next DJ EC, hand the balaclava over to the next guy. Like the Stig on Top Gear or something?"

"Fuck the bloody Stig, you moron. I'm gonna go out there and tell the frikkin protesting, carpet-munchers where you live you God damn dickhead. I'm gonna tell them your name, give them your phone number, and let them haunt you till you fucking die, you dipshit motherfucking no talent piece of shit."

Edward breathed in and paused for effect.

"My contract has a no disclosure clause. Miss Swan was very thorough when she was assisting me with how I could deal with this conversation and the likely threats that you would make. You tell anyone outside of the 10 people who know who I am, and you will be financially ruined. I believe it's something to the tune of 27 Million my friend. If you drag Miss Swan, or any of her contemporaries into this, they will sue you for breach of contract and slander. You bring the women's shelter into this, and any of those women are put into danger because some crazed, stalking, nutty woman decides to follow me there and wreak havoc, I will have you arrested. Miss Swan has friends in high places. She's also a vindictive little shit when it comes to her work and she will do anything to protect it. So do me a favor Aro, shove your threats up your ass, be a polite man and realize that our working relationship is over as of next week."

Aro's face dropped, he knew he was left with few options.

"Fine. Show's over next week. The idea of someone else taking over the reins suits me. I guess you've grown up since I discovered you all those years ago. Talent always fucks you over eventually, even I should be aware of that."

"I appreciate that Aro. See you Monday at 3am."

He walked out of Aro's office, the weight having lifted further off his shoulders. Bella had agreed to come over to his house for dinner. She had looked skittish when he had asked, but she had agreed.

He had also beefed up security at his home. He wasn't taking Aro at face value. In addition, Tanya knew where he lived and he was getting all of the locks changed again. The alarm was going to be connected to a security service. Cameras were being put into the garden and around the top of the house, with a few facing the street. He had paid the security firm well to ensure a quick install. He had also arranged for similar security to occur at the shelter. Jake could sleep soundly, safe and secure.

Bella had refused his offer to beef up her security system and he had been alarmed to discover that she had a fairly basic setup at her home. He quietly arranged for a plain closed security detail to sit out the front of her house and keep a watch for the next few days, until he could convince her to take up his offer of an alarm service.

**BPOV**

A Brazilian was not something she had ever thought of getting, but once Alice found out about her date, she nagged her for 2 hours prior to her beauty salon trip on the benefits of a carpet-less vajayjay.

Even Rose had been quite supportive of Alice for a change, and was saying that she thought it would be nice for Edward if he discovered her "woo woo" had been attended to. Except that with Rose the sentence was spluttered out and the word woo woo was said so quietly that Alice had to ask her 4 times just what she was saying.

"Oh Rosie, please just call it a Beaver, or Vajayjay or bloody anything but a woo woo. For crying out loud woman, just start swearing, lose the bet, be a grown up girl. Use the C-word Rosie, just say it and be free."

"Stuff you Alice. I would rather have bleach poured down my throat than use that vulgar word. Besides, it's Bella's Vajayjay and it hasn't been christened yet. Not only that, but I don't think the C-word is appropriate. Just get the edging trimmed around your rose bud honey."

Rose walked out of the room, shaking her head. Bella didn't think she would ever hear Rose swear. She was a pre-programmed lady.

Unlike Alice who was starting to suggest positions and miming thrusting motions as they waited for the beautician to come in so Bella could be waxed. When she arrived Alice left, silently cheering Bella on in mock slow motion cheerleading.

From the moment the hot wax was first put on Bella was made blatantly aware that she had an incredibly low pain threshold. The beautician was very kind and offered to stop on several occasions just to give Bella a break. Mentally Bella was reciting a lot of swear words. It was just as well that Rose couldn't read minds. She held in every shout that she wanted to scream. She was going to let her pussy fur grow back wild and free. She would never get this done again. How the hell did porn stars get this done every 6 weeks?

Her pale face even had Alice concerned as she walked into the waiting area where her friends were giggling together.

"Holy shit Bells, did they wax inside your ass or something? You look like 're gonna hurl." Alice put her small arm around Bella, obviously trying to ascertain the extent of her injuries.

Bella managed to keep her composure long enough to pay the receptionist for her torture session and the three of them left the store.

The moment they were in fresh air Bella turned on Alice. "That was the worst fucking idea you've ever come up with. My vagina is not going to recover by tonight. I feel like Tyson punched it. And then maybe bit it. Please tell me this is not something you do on a regular basis?"

"Oh baby, your pussy will be fine by tonight, and believe me, it will be one less thing for you to worry about when you finally do the deed. Now that your pussy is all gussied up, let's go buy you some pretty lingerie to show it off in? My treat. Let's go to Victoria's and make you all slutty."

The sad thing was that Alice made a lot of sense. She was already nervous enough about doing the deed, at least she wouldn't have a visually unappealing vagina when she finally got her cherry popped.

Her cotton panties were driving her bonkers, with little remnants of wax attaching themselves to her undies and ripping the already tender skin with every second step that she made. She was almost grateful when Alice offered to run around the store and throw things her way into the dressing room. Less walking was something that appealed to her at this point in time.

She could hear Alice and Rose arguing in the store as Bella made her way to the change room and began to get undressed.

"The idea is for her to look cute and be comfortable, not look all whory, Alice!" Rose was loudly whisper-arguing with Alice.

"Whory isn't even a word, Rose. She needs to have an outfit that says she is a confident woman who is ready to bonk Edward's brains out. Do you want me to go and find a nun's outfit? A burlap sack? Gosh you are stifling my erotic creativity, Rose!"

Bella could hear their little arguments back and forth. Eventually she was presented with two piles of lingerie. One that was Alice's with an eclectic mix of the whory and not so subtle, and then there was Rosie's pile. Amongst the pretty pastels was also a pair of flannelette pajamas.

"PJ's? Seriously, Rose?"Bella called out to her waiting friends who were pacing like expectant father's outside a labor ward.

"Alice thinks she's funny. She chucked them in to be ." Rose responded and she could hear Alice make a little "Ow" noise.

"She's hurting me, Bella. Yes, I chucked in the PJ's; it was only because I couldn't find the chastity belt that Rose wanted to go in the pilefor your consideration."

Bella heard a second "Ow" from Alice.

"Don't make me come out there and separate you two."

"Well, stop us from waiting, put something on already." Alice's voice was becoming frustrated.

Bella poked her head out of the change room.

"I need bigger bra sizes, I've gone up a size."Bella was trying to squeeze her boobs into one of the ridiculously small objet de art that Alice had thrown her way. She rechecked the tags. They were all a B cup. She had always been a B cup. Bloody Victoria's secret, they were tricking everyone into thinking that their boobies had gone up a size.

Ten minutes later, and with an official measuring by the attendant, it was confirmed that Bella had reached a C cup and was threatening to enter into D cup territory.

"How the hell did I not notice my boobs getting bigger? I mean they've been hurting before I get my periods like normal." Bella was standing in the change room wearing a C-cup bra and matching boy pants. Alice and Rose were half in and half out, maintaining her dignity with the curtains pulled around.

"Your boobies are impressive Bella." Rose stated in a matter-of-fact way.

"Rosie said boobies." Alice giggled to herself.

"I give you permission to punch her Rose, but do it where the bruises won't show." Bella stood, looking at her reflection in the mirror, really looking at her body for the first time in a long time.

Her boobs were big, and sore. They had been for weeks. For weeks. And weeks.

"Holy fuck, my period is late." She stood staring at herself. Hands absent mindedly making their way of their own attrition down to her flat stomach.

"But you are like clockwork girl!" Alice's pitch was increasing.

"But you have to have had sex for that to happen Bells, and this isn't biblical times." Rose was providing the voice of reason.

"The gynae said there was no, um penetration, but I kind of neglected to say that I was mostly naked when I woke up with Edward."

"Waist up or waist down naked Bella?" Rose was gently probing.

"Mostly naked, just shirt on, unbuttoned. I can't remember what he was. Pants off I think?"

Bella was feeling like the earth was moving beneath her.

"Ok, let's ditch here. I'm going to go and get a pregnancy test and you can tinkle on it in the restrooms." Rose glared at Alice, nonverbally daring her to mock her use of the word 'tinkle'. Alice had enough savvy to realize that this was not a joking moment.

They helped her out of the changing room, Bella slightly zombie like, the attendant giving them space. She looked like a dead man walking to her execution.

Moments later she was in the brightly colored mall restroom, having managed to pee on two separate pregnancy sticks at Rose's insistence so that they could have more certainty.

She handed them to Rose in the next stall so that she wouldn't have to go through the torture of waiting for the little lines to appear or not appear, in front of her eyes.

A minute later she heard something from Rose that she thought she would never hear.

"Holy Fucking Shit, Bells".

OtA

**Dun Dun DUN...**

**Thanks for reading. I wrote a little drabble on my holidays, check it out. It's complete...except for it's epilogue. It's called "The Undead Next Door."**

**Thanks for putting up with my irregular updates. This time round the muse left me. Frikkin bitch. I also had to teach my mac to accept the work frikkin and vajayjay. Which made me laugh.**


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter 28 **

**Stephenie Meyer owns it all. I am annoyed at myself for not doing a blanket disclaimer in the beginning. **

_**Recap**_

"_**Holy Fucking Shit Bells".**_

To be honest, at that moment Bella wasn't sure what shocked her more; the Immaculate Conception that she had somehow managed to pull off or the fact that her very, very ladylike friend Rose had just sworn like a drunken sailor.

"Is holy fucking shit a good thing or a bad thing Rose?" Alice asked as she waited impatiently outside the stalls.

"No you dipshit, it is not a good thing. Holy crap Bella you're knocked up."

Bella walked out of her stall, as Rose walked out of hers. The offending plastic sticks were pointing downwards in her hands like a pair of flaccid penises.

Rose put her arms around Bella, Alice joining in.

"I'm so sorry Rose" Bella managed to squeak out.

"What are you apologizing to me for, honey?"

"I broke your lady-ness. My actions directly have lead to you swearing almost as badly as Alice." Rose and Alice laughed at Bella's sad attempt at deflection.

"Oh sweetie, you'd have to be knocked up with twins to make me swear as badly as Alice. Although, I can see the C-word becoming a component of my vocabulary."

Bella breathed out sharply.

"I suppose if I peed on more sticks I might get a different answer?" Bella was surprised at how weirdly calm she was. What were the stages of grief? That's right, it all starts with denial.

"Honey, this is two separate brands. Both have come up with double lines. Pretty certain you are screwed good and proper-like." This was Rose attempting to be comforting.

"Hey, at least your baby isn't a bastard. You were married before you conceived his devil spawn child." Alice was also attempting to be comforting.

"Judge Laurent is just going to love this. The bloody gynecologist must have been wrong. How the hell can I not remember having sex?"

"Edward is very tall and he has big hands and big feet. I would assume that he had a big penis that would have to leave a mark on anyone's vagina. I'm pretty sure that you managed to get pregnant from dry humping gone wrong." Rose and Bella now glared at Alice.

"Seriously? This is your supposition; she got pregnant from wayward dry humping?"

"Hey her vagina is intact, that's a known fact. He must have some very determined sperm with GPS."

"GPS, oh my Lordy Alice, this is your scientific reasoning?"

"Yes. Except GPS means Genius at Propagating Sperm. Bella's poor defenseless little egg didn't stand a chance." Alice was smirking.

"I like Guided Propagating System as the meaning of GPS myself, Rosie." Bella was now smiling a little herself.

"Um how about Go Procure Satan?" Rose offered.

The thing about being lawyers was their ability to think quickly on their feet. By the time they had managed to get themselves to Alice's car, they had come up with 27 inappropriate meanings for GPS.

Bella noted however that they had also managed to avoid the main problem. She was pregnant. With someone's baby that she wasn't supposed to have had relations with. By law.

And tonight she had to go and tell him. This was one fucked up situation.

As Alice dropped her off, Rose offered again to go with her and let Edward know the news.

Bella decided that she was probably better off not having the ball breaker with her when she completely ruined the man's life.

She made her way slowly inside as if in a dream and walked up the stairs. She had to leave in 45 minutes to get to his house. She spent 30 of those starring blindly at her wardrobe. What does one wear to tell your pretend husband that you are pregnant despite the fact you haven't had sex? Nope. Not one outfit in her wardrobe seemed to fit the bill.

So she chose her "I am a professional lawyer going over to my client's house to have dinner" outfit and rushed herself through a shower.

Glancing at herself in the mirror she noticed she did have a nice glow about her. Her cheeks were flushed from the shower, her hair a radiant mess around her shoulders.

She popped on her favorite lipstick and some mascara, and selected some comfortable kitten heels. She figured that at least she could run in these ones. Her skirt also had enough stretch in it for her to make some descent retreating strides out the door.

She called a cab, figuring quite rightly that she was already too wound up to drive herself and would probably be even worse by the time she broke the bad news to Edward.

She patted her non-existent belly and made some promises to it. One, she was going to keep it, obviously it had gone to a lot of trouble to be here. Two, she didn't really need his support, but it would be nice if she had it. He had a paternal side. She already knew this from how he interacted with Jake. She just wasn't sure how he was going to take this.

Bella paid the cabbie when she arrived and made the short journey to the front gate a very long one.

She pressed the intercom, which was a new addition to the outside of the home and waited for him to answer. She waved lamely at the small camera when he had answered and she ushered herself inside.

Edward was standing at the door waiting for her. He was barefoot, in some grey casual cargo pants, rolled up at the bottom, a loose white linen shirt with a few buttons undone at the top. She was way overdressed and business looking. And stiff.

Edward had an instant look of concern on his face, the psychologist in him picking up on her anxiety. He looked around outside just before he closed the door.

He put his arm around her and drew her close to him.

"Mmm this is nice." She was going to enjoy the last few minutes of their relationship before it hit bucket town.

He walked around to a polished timber cabinet and asked if she wanted a drink.

"Oh yes that would be lovely, can I have..." She wanted to say straight Canadian Club on the rocks and keep them coming. Instead she finished the sentence "...a lemonade please?"

"Whoa there! A lemonade Bella? Are you sure you don't want something harder?"

She gulped at him saying the word "harder". Yes she would like something harder, it had been her plan before the day went the way of the baby bassinet.

"Um, Edward I think you should sit down. I have something I want to say to you." She tried to sit properly on the chair that she had chosen. A nice wingback. It was handsome looking but decidedly uncomfortable. A bit like the conversation she was about to have.

"Bella, why don't you sit over here with me? That chair is all style and no substance; your back will ache in half an hour. I promise if you sit over here I won't bite."

"Oh okay, yes of course. You won't bite." She got up and walked over to the lounge chair that he was indicating. A three-seater. She wondered if he would mind if she sat just on the arms. That way she would be in a semi-standing position, perfect for when she made her fast exit.

"Bella you're white as a ghost, are you okay? Was there a problem with the gynecologist getting the information to Judge Laurent? I'm also not that pleased about the annulment. In my family we marry for life. Er, Bella, I'm kidding-wow, what's got you so wound up?" He leant forward and attempted to put his hand on her knee. She automatically flinched.

"Bella I'm sorry, have I done something? I know I can be an ass, I'm so sorry for the whole position that you are in. I resigned today from the station. Aro took it reasonably well considering the fact he is going to lose his star attraction next week. Well, he shouldn't have taken so long with the negotiations, I guess he thought I was going to screw up the whole 'good behavior' thing and I secretly think he already had a plan 'B' but was trying to make me feel guilty..holy cow you look bad Bella, can I get you some water or something?" Edward got up and started to walk towards the kitchen. Bella took this as her cue to start to unload her story.

"Rose swore today." Bella looked around the room trying not to focus on the pair of stunning eyes that she knew were worriedly looking at her.

"Pardon?" Edward sat down.

"Rose swore today. She said 'holy, fucking shit and a few other things. I think she said crap too."

"Ha! That's brilliant, I can't wait to tell Em. Between you and me I think he's smitten with her. He really enjoys riling her up and seeing how she reacts."

"Yeah, I think she enjoys that too."

"So she doesn't take losing well or something, is that why you're so skittish? What the hell made her swear?" Edward was practically bouncing in his chair.

"Well, the funniest thing happened today. I mean, it's not funny ha ha, it's more funny

absurd. Actually no, it's more strange than anything else..."

"Bella, are you planning on telling me what happened anytime soon because you're babbling and it's a little disconcerting."

"Ok, yep babbling. That's funny, because that is what babies do. They babble. A lot. And poop as well. And get you in trouble with Judges who you thought you weren't in trouble anymore. Maybe something bad will happen to Judge Laurent, like he gets eaten by wolves or something, because that would be excellent, because then I don't have to turn up to him and say, hey Mr. Judge dude I totally got knocked up with the client I was supposed to be supervising. Yep, so what do you think about that?" Bella thought she had done a good job. That went well. He wasn't yelling or anything.

"Um Bella, can you say that in English because all I got was a story about wolves eating Judge Laurent and knocking and supervising?"

"Oh for crying out loud, I'm pregnant, up the duff, knocked up etcetera, etcetera, etcetera."

Edward, for the first time that she could remember went really quiet. His rather large eyebrows furrowed together and his jaw clenched and unclenched.

The door bell went off at that time, startling them both.

"It's the food" Edward said in a deadpan voice. He walked to the door, pushing the monitor and spoke with the delivery guy.

"Ok, so this is your green chicken curry, a seafood pad thai, prawn rolls, and vanilla ice cream, that comes to $58 man."

She saw Edward getting out some bills, far more than was needed to pay for the meal and delivery. As the order was placed in his hands Edward snapped out of his reverie.

"I'm gonna be a dad. My wife is having a baby."

"That's awesome dude, er do you want change?" The delivery guy was bouncing up and down obviously wanting to make a quick exit before Edward changed his mind about the huge tip.

"No, it's all good. Er, thanks mate." Edward didn't even wait for the reply; he just shut the door in his face.

"Plates, I'll get some plates." Edward walked towards the kitchen.

Had she just heard him tell a random stranger that his wife was having a baby? Did that mean he was okay with this? She nervously walked to the kitchen to give Edward a hand.

"No I don't need your help. Shouldn't you be lying down with your feet up or something? Isn't that supposed to be good for babies or your circulation?"

"You are taking this surprisingly well." Bella retreated to one of the stools at the breakfast bar. Maybe this wasn't going to be so hard after all.

"Well, you know I've had a lot to deal with in the last few months. I mean I have a wife who I didn't know I had for a while, and we apparently have a very legal and validated marriage that I don't recall consummating and now we are having a baby who again I don't recall actually making. So yes, maybe in a few weeks when my brain processes this I will have a meltdown, but for now it seems to be beating along the same weird path my life is taking. So I thought we hadn't, um, done the, um, you know, we didn't have sex to make the baby."

"Well the gynecologist says no we didn't have, er, we didn't physically do the penetrative type act, but Alice, and I don't know why I am even saying this out loud, is suggesting that we may have dry humped successfully. That and your sperm have GPS and are very determined to succeed." Bella giggled a little. This was ridiculous.

"Champion sperm?"

"Yes, Champion and determined sperm."

"I will take that as a compliment. So, are you happy about the baby?. Our baby. I mean is there going to be a baby?"

Eye avoidance is an art unto itself, Bella decided.

"Yes, but you aren't under any obligation. I can do this myself."

"I don't mind being obligated. I mean that sounded bad. I want to be obligated. I mean, this is okay, there isn't any problem on my end. So if you want to have this baby then I'm here for you. I mean, I'd like to get to know you better first, because we have done this the totally wrong way, we haven't even dated yet. Or had sex for that matter. I don't even know what your favorite color is. Or what your lucky number is. Or if you want to live next door to Jasper and Alice at the beach or in the country?"

"Well, I don't even know what your penis looks like."

They both laughed.

**Thanks to the usual suspects, Teena and Elaine for Betaing and pre-reading. So glad a few of the people who read my drabble "The Undead Next Door" have come over to read this old story that I have been taking far too long to do.**

**I appreciate your reviews, it's such a buzz waking up to them of a morning.**


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter 29**

**Stephenie Meyer owns it all. Really if she wanted my story I would give it to her as well.**

"I can't believe that you thought sulking about the fact that you haven't seen my penis yet was what you thought would lure me into the bedroom."

"Hey now, you make me feel like I'm a villain trying to steal your virtue or something."

"No, you're the one with your virtue still intact. My little virgin Mary"

"Edward Cullen, that is blasphemous. You know you could easily solve that problem."

"We have discussed this already. Tonight is date night. The least you could do is have a nice stay at home date with me, without the pressure of sex. I'm not a piece of meat you know."

The conversation had been along the same caliber all night. It was now 3:30 in the morning and they had been up most of the night, sitting on the couch, legs intertwined. Edward had made a fire in the fireplace, and they were drinking soda's, chatting about all the important things in life.

Things like favorite Bond movies, favorite childhood vacation spots, and where Bella had gotten her plethora of scars from.

Edward had only one scar and he was only willing to show Bella when they had sex, because apparently the mere sight of its whereabouts would put her into an estrogen fueled frenzy that she may not recover from.

"I'm deadly serious Bella, it's near my crotch and I'm worried that if I even start to take my pants off at this stage you are gonna want to hump me."

"Ugh, what's the worst that could happen? I'm already knocked up! Such a killjoy!" Bella lovingly slapped him on the arm.

"Seriously, I'm not playing your kinky S & M games, so you can stop with the seductive slapping, I know you're are trying to get into my pants."

"Those pants are ridiculous, by the way. They're barely hanging off your hip bones. Earlier, when you reached up, I caught a glimpse of your V-zone.

You aren't worth the effort of attempting to hump. You don't even woo a girl before getting her married and knocked up."

"Hey, I'm the King of woo. It's not my fault you're so cheap and easy that I didn't even have to go to the effort of wooing you. Poor Bella, woo-less and knocked up."

"There does need to be more wooing. After we go to Judge Laurent tomorrow and tell him that we obviously did bad, bad things that we don't even remember doing and the consequences are that somehow I'm pregnant. Maybe I'll just send Rosalie along and she can tell Laurent. My career is in the toilet anyway."

"You know, Bella, you could be a kept lady. I have more than enough to care for you and the baby until he or she is old enough for you to go back to work. Or when the law lets you go back to work."

"Blech, I don't want to talk about it. Let's just face the music again tomorrow and let whatever happens happen."

"It's not tomorrow, it's today. I should probably get the mother of my child safely back to her home so she can be all fresh and bright for our rendezvous with destiny."

"Awww, did you just call me the mother of your child? That's kind of cute there, Mr. Cullen."

"Yes, Mrs. Cullen, I guess it is kind of cute. I don't want you to go home, but we can't afford for us to look like anything inappropriate occurred tonight. Which for a change, we managed to have a night together where we didn't do anything stupid at all."

"Wow, miracles do happen! Okay, big boy. Call me a cab and I shall lumber off home."

"Um, I only have to call your security detail. They've been outside for the last few hours."

"I have a security detail?"

"Well, seeing as the mother of my child won't accept my offer of bulking up her home security, I hired a security detail to watch your home. So at least they can be useful and take you home right now."

"I should be angry at you, but that is very sweet. You know one day you are going to make a wonderful father."

"And one day you will make a very annoying wife and mother. Please let me put a better alarm system into your house."

"Ok, Mr. Over-Protective."

"Whoa, did I win an argument?" Edward was grinning, his eyebrows arching with amusement.

"You won two arguments tonight. Security plus no-sex."

"I've just realized that I'm the dumbest man on earth at present."

Bella kissed him gently.

"No, you're very sweet. Which I may have said several times already. All right, let Mr. Security Dude know that we're heading out. But before I go, please kiss me again, as it will have to tide my hormones over for now."

Edward gently kissed her and she could feel his reluctance as he pulled away from her.

They said their farewells and Gareth, the security detail, walked her to his waiting vehicle.

She arrived home with a huge smile on her face. Exhausted she fell into bed, kitten heels and all.

The next morning she managed to get an emergency appointment with Dr. David. Edward met her at his office and was far calmer than she had expected him to be.

"So what happens at these things?"

"Well I go pee on a stick again, and he orders blood tests and I guess I have an ultrasound or something to confirm the conception date of the baby. I will get him to confirm that I have not had sex recently and then we take this to Judge Laurent."

"This takes the romance out of it a bit doesn't it? I'm really sorry, Bella. This is not how I pictured what it would be like going to confirm that my gorgeous wife is pregnant. It shouldn't be this technical. This should be easy." Edward gently rubbed her arm. This guy really did step up when he was required. It was getting harder to believe he was the douchebag who had said all the hateful diatribe on national radio.

"Well there isn't too much romance when stirrups and peeing on plastic sticks are involved.

Or worse, peeing into cups. I have terrible aim. I wonder how that's going to be when I am hugely pregnant?"

"You might have to wear Crocs."

Bella looked puzzled.

"You know those rubbery slip on shoes, you can hose them off if pee gets on them."

"I will never wear shoes completely made out of rubber. Not unless they are red underneath and have Louboutin written on them in cursive."

"Well you never know how the hormones might effect you- you might start wearing flannel and no makeup."

"Then you should put me in a mental hospital because there ain't no way that I am resorting to that, hormonal or not." Bella shuddered. Ish, flannel.

The clinic nurse gave Bella a sterile jar and pointed in the direction of the bathroom.

Edward waited, looking apprehensive when Bella reappeared, giving the warm little bundle that she had wrapped up in toilet paper to the nurse.

A few moments later they were called in by Dr. David. Bella introduced Edward as her husband, which lead to a confused look from the doctor. They sat waiting as he called in the nurse and he reviewed the results of the in office pregnancy test.

"So Miss Swan, err Mrs Cullen,- this is unusual. My test confirms that you are pregnant, and from what I understand from the paperwork here this occurred the night of your being drugged in Vegas?"

"Yes Dr. David, and can we confirm that with ultrasound?"

"Yes of course, I always do an ultrasound on the first visit. We want to check that the little peanut is in the right place and of course I can roughly confirm dates, but at this stage it'll be give or take a week. Your 18 week diagnostic ultrasound will be a bit more accurate. If you would like we could do that now. Did you want your husband to come in?" Bella was surprised at how well the Doctor was adapting to her situation. She guessed he saw all sorts.

Bella looked at Edward and he nodded, although he looked like he wanted the earth to swallow him up.

"It's just an ultrasound of the abdomen Edward; I'll do the internal with you out of the room if that is easier for you. Bella?"

Will the internal hurt Bella or the Baby? I don't want the needs of the court and evidence to be outweighing any risks to her."

Bella was impressed with his questioning. It was very endearing. He was taking to this fatherhood thing like a duck to water. She, on the other hand, was starting to feel an immense sense of panic setting in. She was pregnant. This was happening.

She sat up on the high, yet not particularly wide table.

Dr. David had her lift up her shirt and he had her pull down her skirt far enough to expose her pubic bone. She noticed that Edward averted his eyes. She held his hand and nodded that it was ok and they both waited for the images to appear on the black and white screen.

"Ok, so we have a nice little sac here, this is the uterus, good positioning, nicely attached there and here we have your baby, just one single viable pregnancy by the looks of it." The doctor took some measurements on the screen and Bella noticed the pregnancy counted in weeks and days. 8 weeks 4 days. The day of their Vegas indiscretion.

Bella was busy formulating her defense of the situation in her mind, when she noticed that Edward was tearing up.

"Are you okay?" She tentatively asked. He seemed like an Alpha male type at times, but in this moment she understood that he was just a big softie with a hardened exterior that he put on for show.

"Um yes", he sniffed "Just some dirt in my eye...can we get a print out of the ultrasound?"

Edward turned and was trying to mime that he was getting out the offending irritant.

"Oh Edward, you're so cute." She eyed Dr. David who was shaking his head, "I mean, we had better get a tissue for that pile of mud in your eye and yes, could we have a few pictures?"

"Yes, because we need them as evidence and I would like to show my mum and dad." Edward mumbled the last part of his sentence.

They finished up the appointment, Dr. David confirming that she did not appear to have had intercourse at that stage and he offered to be a witness during the preliminary hearing. He was able to identify that while a conception without penetrative intercourse was possible, it was difficult to prove. He would research it further to provide as much of a compelling case as possible.

**Later that day...**

They had called ahead to Judge Laurent's rooms and he was taking lunch at 1:00. They waited in his chambers, having been directed there by Gianna. He sighed as he walked into his office. He had directed Gianna not to make lunchtimes appointments.

"Did we not sort this out yesterday? I have received all the paperwork, this is over as far as I'm concerned." Laurent opened up his office, again cursing as to where his secretary was. Gianna was going to find herself fired.

"We will try to be brief. Judge Laurent it has come to my, I mean our attention that on the night of our well indiscretion, that though not having technically and lawfully defined penetrative sex, that I have become pregnant." Bella sighed. It was so much easier telling a Judge using legal jargon than it had been breaking it to Edward. The worse that could happen was jail time.

"I'm sorry, Miss Swan, did you just tell me you are pregnant?"

"Yes Judge Laurent."

Laurent sat very still, almost statue like in his stillness. He had a good game face, Bella would give him that, she could not see at all what was going on in his mind. Laurent was a good man. At least he would be thorough. This was going to be damaging.

"This is contempt of court, Miss Swan. Or Mrs. Cullen, as the case may be. The marriage, well we can prove this occurred due to a drug state, however, it is going to be difficult for you to prove that the pregnancy occurred on the night in question. At this point Miss Swan, I am going to take this under advisement and I feel from this stage on we shall follow the letter of the law. Your license is hereby suspended awaiting a preliminary hearing where we will decide if this matter should be taken further. I will file the papers in this regard."

Bella nodded her head, she was already aware of the long road she had ahead of her.

"My advice Miss Swan, would be to keep a low profile. I will make the proceedings closed, however, as one of your witnesses is likely to be the couple who drugged you, I will have difficulty in preventing them from speaking out considering their trial is on my docket for a month's time."

"Thank you, Judge Laurent."

"Oh and Miss Swan, please look after yourself. I can't prevent you and Mr. Cullen from being together when you are seeking medical care, however, I would request you keep an immensely low profile. The legal system does not see kindly upon relationships developing between attorney and client. This could be a career ender, Miss Swan. That is all."

Bella and Edward walked out of the office, more subdued than they were just 24 hours earlier.

Bella turned to Edward.

"Can you get that extra security at my place done today?" Bella was functioning as best as she knew how, she was utilizing her practical lawyer side.

"Yes of course, that's not a problem."

"Edward, I don't want to not see you, so if you have any other sneaky disguises or anything that would be helpful. At this point lets not divulge the pregnancy to anyone- Aro could be damaging and vindictive, your ex, Tanya, if she finds out then she will tell Victoria and then Lord knows what the fall out from that would be. If she's as crazy as Tanya says she is then we need to be careful."

"What about my parents?"

"How discrete are they?"

"Well this will be my mums and dads first grandchild, so given that they don't even know I am in a relationship then my mum may squeal loud enough that it will echo across the oceans."

"Ok so this is all hush hush for another month or so."

"Although I do have one person we should tell"

"And who would that be Edward?"

"Zaffy. She'll l keep the pressure on Judge Laurent. I mean after all, does he want to get in the way of true love?"

"Oooh I love it, I like the way you think Mr. Cullen."

**Okay, I am not big on angst, so sorry this is a little angsty. But I wrote a chapter where Judge Laurent was very lenient and it was just a cop-out. So bear with me readers.**


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30 OTA**

Rose stood at Emmet's front door. She was about to eat crow and she was rehearsing what she was going to say.

Half-way through the third scenario, Emmet opened his front door and bumped into her – literally speaking. Although given Emmet's immense size, it was more like being knocked over by a snowplow.

He was wearing tennis shoes and some obscene looking track-pants. And quite obviously no underwear. He apologized to her, as he took his iPod headphones out of his ears and picked her up off his front porch.

"Sorry, I didn't hear you knock. I have the volume up way too high on these things."

"Oh it's okay, I didn't knock; I was just standing here, rehearsing what I was going to say."

She picked up the bottle of Grey Goose that she had sitting by her feet. It had survived the fall.

"Rosie Posey, you look all nervous. Please tell me you said a bad, bad thing." Emmet had a wicked little gleam in his eye, his dimples appearing on his cheeks.

"Yes Emmet, I said a bad, bad thing. So here is your Grey Goose and your check. It's made out to you, so you can forward it on to whatever charity you choose." She shoved the bottle in his general direction and threw the check at his feet.

As she started to walk away he said the words that she was dreading.

"Oh Rosie Posey, that's not a part of our deal. Remember, you have to tell me all the details now. Including the bad words you said, Princess." He was delighting in this. She knew he would be a sore winner.

Well, she was a very sore loser.

"You have your booze, you have your check, don't make me stoop to your level, Emmet."

"Oh, come on Rosie Posey, where is your spirit of sportsmanship? Tell Emmy the bad words."

"Fine. I said, Holy. And Fucking. And Shit. And after the dam wall broke I can't recall the other ones. But I have myself back in check right now, so it won't happen again. Well, probably. Hopefully, never again."

Emmet was doing a little dance like a 3 year old trying to hold in his pee.

"Yes, you broke...hoo-fucking-ray. Oh, thank goodness to fuck, I can swear again. I thought I was gonna fucking implode. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck, I missed saying fuck so fucking much."

She walked up to him to slap him, but he caught her hand.

"Oh no, Rosie Posey, if you're going to slap me then it's going to be because I'm fucking you up against a wall and you're doing it to turn me on."

"You're disgusting, Emmet. Nothing about you would even make that a possibility. You're vulgar..."

"Oh admit it, you're so turned on by me it's not even funny. I see the way you look at me. Don't think I haven't noticed that you've noticed that I'm going commando right now."

Of course the second he mentioned the fact he wasn't wearing any underwear her eyes were instantly compelled to reconfirm that factor. He was slightly tenting his track pants.

"Well, only you would go out in loose pants without underwear."

"I have a very good reason; I ran out. And I'm currently lending the use of my washing machine to my neighbor. Who has 5 kids. And they have just come back from camping for the weekend. So pardon me that I put their laundering needs ahead of my own." He was getting defensive now, crossing his hands across his crotch. Like it was going to stop her eyeballs from paying attention to his bulge.

Which was quite impressive, by the way.

"Seriously Rose, I'm not just a piece of meat. I'm a university educated piece of meat who happens to like you."

Her eyes reverted back to his face.

"You LIKE me?" That was an unexpected bolt out of the blue.

"Yes. I've been doing the adult equivalent of pulling your pigtails for a good couple of months now Rose."

"Oh." Yes, oh. How had she not noticed this? Truth be told, she had kind of enjoyed their banter. People didn't ordinarily talk back to her. It was refreshing.

"So if you give me half a chance I'd like to take you out to dinner and treat you like a lady, which you are by the way. And I promise not to swear. I'll pull out your seat for you and everything."

She contemplated this for a moment.

"I will only agree on one condition."

"Okay and what's that?"

"You wear underpants."

"Deal."

**Yay no angst this chapter. I've so been looking forward to writing this chapter. Originally I was going to have them just go at it like rabbits, and then I changed my mind. I think I like slow and steady better. But you let me know if you don't.**


	31. Chapter 31

**OTA 31**

**Disclaimer- please accept my disclaimer from last chapter, as I am far too lazy to write an imaginative one this time...**

It rained for the 8 weeks that it took for Bella's case to be presented to the Law Tribunal. It was almost like mother nature was weeping for the fact that Bella had quite literally fucked up her life.

Bella remained a shut in for that time, her friends advising her that keeping a low profile was best.

Edward visited every few days, always kissing her first, then kissing her still flat belly and telling "peanut" little stories. He had wanted to move in with her and make sure she was coping with the turn of events, but discretion dictated that this would most likely inflame the situation in the tribunal were to find out. Begrudgingly he had limited his visits. It had not stopped him from Skyping with her for hours.

After all, he was unemployed at present. Aro had been a complete "Pillock" in Edwards' words and they had actually mock killed off his on air DJ character. The new guy was pretty good, and swore a lot less. Edward was grateful that Emmett had taken his position.

The day of the court case was the first sunny day that had dawned in many months.

Bella's belly also chose that day to suddenly appear, as if by magic, overnight. Little peanut was 14 weeks and seemed to be quite content, Bella experiencing very few pregnancy symptoms, other than a ridiculous craving for Nutella, which she discovered came in little takeaway packets with a mini spoon attached. She had six of these little packets of nutty goodness in her handbag at present.

Shit if she was going to prison they would have to tear those packets out of her cold dead hands. She tried not to think about this as they made their way into the closed session.

Judge Laurent and Judge Peters were meeting with her in a formal, but in chambers session.

It went by in a blur.

Rose defended Bella's actions. She was innocent. She was drugged. Footage was supplied of Victoria and her co-conspirator slipping small pills into both Edward and Bella's drinks. Bella watched as the blurry figures jaggedly motions were filmed, from one security camera to the next.

Affidavits were read from the marriage celebrant who had performed the wedding ceremony. Against his better judgment he had agreed to marry the couple. Bella had been informed that it was the same celebrant who had married Brittany Spears to that guy that no one can remember his name. Rose had said that she didn't think he cared too much about the "impairment" component of the marriage vows. In hindsight the celebrant agreed that Victoria seemed to be leading the couple and egging them on into getting married.

The hotel room had been arranged by Victoria and she had even taken Edward's wallet to pay for the room. The list of charges against Victoria were mounting. Rose's case had Bella looking like she was an angel. The medical evidence backed this up.

The immaculate conception was discussed at length, Judge Laurent and Peters both grilling Bella's doctor about the likelihood of such an event occurring. Apparently sperm are designed to swim great distances. Determined little buggers.

Four hours later they were all dismissed, while both judges took the case under advisement.

Rose felt fairly positive. Bella felt nauseated for the first time. Alice was playing devils advocate and trying to find any holes that the judges might find. Edward was nervous and kept pacing back and forth. They had all come back to Bella's house. It could be days before they heard anything.

Which was why it was so surprising when they heard back from the Judges only two hours later.

"This is good Bella, you know the golden rule, a short decision is the one in your favour." Rose was trying to cheer up Bella, who was looking more pale with every passing second.

The ride back to the courthouse seemed to take forever.

Once back in chambers they were put mercifully out of their misery. At least Judge Laurent was not a reality TV host where the winners name was dragged out in a montage of events for an hour.

He seemed to understand the delicateness of Bella's position.

"This case has been rather extraordinary Miss Swan, but we see that unfortunately you and Mr Cullen are both victims of your circumstances. We see no reason to take this further, but advise for you to keep this quiet. The perpetrators of course have surmountable evidence piling up against them and you will be required to bear witness in a court of law in regards to their case. It will be a closed court. We see no reason for your reputation to be sullied further. You have done a good job with this man and I wish you well for the future."

Bella breathed an audible sigh of relief.

"Do we have to get an annulment?"

"Miss Swan the validity of your marriage is questionable given your impaired state and an annulment wouldn't be denied in this case. However, and this is off the record, Zafrina seems to think that you have a long and happy marriage ahead of you. And I always bet on Zafrina. The romantics in the world will think that love has prevailed. At this stage if I ever see you back again in my court room in relation to this case it had better be because you are naming the child after me. Are we clear?"

"Yes Judge Laurent" She thanked both of the judges and they were dismissed.

All parties were silent in their respective vehicles.

Silent until they finally made their way to Edward's house.

Even then they waited until they were inside.

"Holy shit Bells its over!" Alice jumped up and down and hugged Bella exuberantly.

Bella felt like she was going to fall over. Little peanut was blowing fishbowl bubbles in excitement in her belly. It was all strangely comforting that the baby chose this moment to let the world know it was real. She walked to Edward and placed his hand on her stomach. Peanut let it's little presence be felt by its father. Edward smiled a crazy goofy smile.

Lost in their own little world it was only when Rose dropped the glass of champagne that she was sipping and uttered an expletive.

"Fuck."

"Yes you are you mob of fuckers. Sit on the fucking couch and tell me how the hell this has blown up in my face when you dipshits are the arseholes who have fucked up my life."

It was Victoria.

With a gun.

-OtA-

_**All errors in this chapter are mine, and I am assuming there are many. I apologize for the long drink between chapters. The muse left me. Fucking muses, they suck dogs nuts sometimes.**_


	32. Chapter 32

**Previously on OtA**

"_**Yes you are you mob of fuckers. Sit on the fucking couch and tell me how the hell this has blown up in my face when you dipshits are the arseholes who have fucked up my life."**_

_**It was Victoria.**_

_**With a gun.**_

They all stood in fear, paralyzed, none of them could follow Victoria's direction to sit on the couch.

"MOVE you fucking morons." Victoria waved the gun indicating where she wanted them to sit.

Bella had had enough. While the others moved towards the couch she stood stock still, her hands covering her belly as protectively as she could.

"No."

Edward grabbed Bella by the arm but she shook him off.

"Move to the couch you stupid bitch."

"First of all I am nobody's bitch. Second of all you come into my husband's home and wave a gun around at my friends and family. What the hell did we ever do to you?"

Bella spoke with venom.

"Sit down you stupid knocked up bitch"

"Oh that is fucking it."

Bella walked up to Victoria quite decisively and did the only thing that she knew how.

She head butted her and as Victoria stumbled, Bella kicked her fair in the crotch.

Victoria lay breathless on the ground, nursing her head and her vagina.

Edward kicked the gun away from Victoria's prone body.

He hugged Bella proudly.

"That's my girl."

"Let's get this dumb arse bitch tied up and ask her some questions and then call the police. I can't even work out why she is out of jail."

Alice and Rose ran to find some rope at Edward's direction. The boys picked up Victoria and sat her in a low backed chair. They tied her feet firmly and wrapped rope around her torso. Alice pulled a cable tie neatly around Victoria's wrists.

"Ok now Victoria, why the hatred?" Edward began.

"Like I am going to tell you!" Victoria wriggled in the chair, before giving up. Her rage was palpable. Bella kept looking for signs of rabies, Victoria was doing everything but foaming at the mouth.

"Well then you can tell me. Is it because of the comments Edward made? Did it hurt your feelings?"

"Not my feelings, it hurt Tanya. She cried for days. That son of a bitch broke her heart."

"She left me remember? You two had been having an affair for months. Why did you target Bella?" Edward asked Victoria firmly. Bella decided he would have been great at cross-examining clients.

"Because she made you happy. You, you stupid penis wearing arsehat. Why should you get to be happy when Tanya now decides that she doesn't want to be with me, that I am too unpredictable and violent. I gave you what you deserved and you don't even get in trouble. You get everything, the fairy tale ending, the wedding, a baby, a career even and I get nothing." Victoria's voice was croaky with rage.

Bella moved towards Victoria and put her face mere inches from hers.

"I'm sorry, YOU arranged to drug two adults, get both of us in some fairly heavy legal trouble and you think that YOU are hard done by? Edward was attacked, drugged and had marriage and fatherhood thrust upon him, I have the embarrassment of conceiving a baby without consummating anything and YOU are hard done by? Believe you me, when you go to jail for this, which you will in about half an hour, I am dragging Edward up to his room and we are going to fucking consummate our marriage like it is going out of fashion. While you are sitting in a jail cell with multiple charges against you including deprivation of liberty and about a billion different gun law breeches I'm going to be having multiple orgasms. I'm going to have an orgasm for every one of the charges that are bought up against you this afternoon and I want you to think about it as the police read them out to you. And then tomorrow when your lawyer talks about each charge. All I want to go through your stupid dumb arse head is orgasm, orgasm, orgasm. Are we clear? Call the police, I don't want to see this hag until we have to go to court. With any luck when you have your parole hearing in several years time I will being along my beautiful child and you can sob at all the years you wasted because you are a nasty dumb arse bitch." Bella stood up.

A small round of applause ensued.

"I have an awesome idea Bella, how about we manage all the police details, we will tell them you have had to lie down due to shock or something and you make good on that consummating thing." Alice's suggestion was altogether welcomed by Bella.

"Yes, for the love of all that is holy, please fuck." Rose was talking on the phone to the police but still managed to cover the phone and utter yet another expletive.

Edward smiled and put his arms around Bella.

"I agree, let's make this official tonight."

"Oh fucking revolting you two are disgusting." Victoria still felt the need to add her two cents worth.

Rose had finished on the phone.

"You utter one more word and I will get Bella to cunt punch you again."

**OtA**

_**Thank you for reading, all mistakes are my own. I promise next chapter there will be consummating. **_


	33. Chapter 33

**Chapter 33**

**OtA**

"Multiple orgasms?" Edward raised his eyebrow at Bella.

They were alone in his bedroom, the chaos of the last few hours behind them. They'd had to go to the station after-all to make a statement formally to the police. Victoria had looked particularly venomous and once she had been untied from the chair she had kicked and screamed, scratching a police officer and kicking another. She was making things worse for herself with each passing moment. To add to the charges, Edward's security guard had been bashed on the side of the head by Victoria, but was expected to make a full recovery. It explained why the tank of a man had not come to their rescue.

Fortunately when they were asked by the police who would like to go first to offer statements, Emmett pushed both Bella and Edward forward and whispered "Dude you seem to be in more of a rush than we are" before giving a cheeky wink.

Apparently it was an administrative error that Victoria had been let out, and another error that Edward and Bella had not been informed. This time Victoria was not so lucky. Despite her ability to post bond of any amount she was not permitted release due to the violent circumstances that she had perpetrated. Washington state did not take kindly to any of it's officers being injured in the line of duty. Judge Laurent had personally rung Bella and assured her that Victoria's trial was slated for next month and she would remain behind bars until then.

And so they found themselves inches away from each other, finally free to do what they wanted with each other.

Except nerves were getting in the way.

"Sorry I know that puts pressure on you, it just sort of came out of my mouth." Bella was finding it difficult to meet his beautiful eyes.

"My last partner became a lesbian, so yes, mulitple orgasms does sound like unreasonable pressure." Edward was doing his own eye avoidance shuffle.

"Ok well how about we just go for you know, um penetration and then see what we can achieve after that."

"Really you are just happy with me um, er, doing that?" Bella giggled. Edward really was a prude, deep deep down.

She took a deep breath and looked up at him, gently touching his chin to move his face so he was looking at her.

"Edward, I'm very attracted to you, and have been for months. You seem to be attracted to me and so I think with our chemistry we might just manage to be able to do this and get at least a little bit of enjoyment out of it. Plus I don't remember what you look like naked and at least being able to actually look at the penis that got me knocked up would in itself be very nice."

"Bella penises are not all that attractive."

"Edward, as you are a straight man I don't think your opinion is valid. At least let me de-trouser you so I can give you my professional opinion."

"Um Bella I thought you didn't have a professional opinion, being that you have allegedly, no experience with penises at all."

"Alice is my friend." Bella could feel herself blushing.

"Yes she is. And I don't think she has a penis. Well not that Jasper has let on."

"Alice is really into boy porn. I have inadvertently watched hours and hours of boy porn when I lived with her. It was like her hobby in college and law school."

"Inadvertently?"

"Yes well Alice owned the only TV that we had, so yes, as I walked around my house I have had glimpses of a lot of dick in my time."

"Well that just makes this situation worse, you do know that most of those guys are packing a fair amount of heat down there?"

"Edward, look at me honey. Right now I'm undoing your trousers. Shhh, shut up, just look at me. Good boy. Okay, I've got the button undone. Sliding down the trousers over your arse. Hmmm nice arse by the way." She squeezed his buns. Ridiculously firm. She wanted to bounce things off them when she had him naked.

"Okay so now I'm getting my hand and I am going to touch you in your special place."

Edward groaned a little as Bella gently placed her hand on his dick. It was already peeking out of his underwear, pointing north towards the ceiling.

"Should I touch it a little firmer?"

"Yes please. Way firmer." Edward was enjoying Bella taking control.

Bella rubbed his cock up and down, feeling it getting firmer with every stroke.

"Can I remove your knickers?"

"Knickers is a term english boys use about girl underwear. Can I remove your knickers?"

"That's gonna be pretty hard given that I'm fully dressed."

"Shut up Missy Sarcasm."

He moved her hair gently to the side and unzipped the dress she was wearing, pushing the sleeves down her arms.

Bella covered her bra and wanted to keep him from seeing her naked pregnant belly.

"Let me see you, you are so beautiful Bella."

"No boy has ever gone this far before."

"I think I have. I don't remember, but Bella we have been naked, or at least semi-naked with each other before. Plus I can't give you multiple orgasms when you are fully dressed."

She thought about his argument, it seemed rational.

She lowered her arms and let her dress fall to the ground. His eyes echoed his appreciation.

"Now can I take your underwear off?" She dropped her eyes to his crotch where the poor thing looked like it was being strangled with the elastic from his Calvin Kleins. Calvin Kleins which she was also wearing.

"You wear boy underwear?"

"Yes I do. Alice wears them for easy access."

Edward put his hand at the entrance of the little dick pocket of her Calvins. His eyes sort permission to go further. Bella nodded and he slipped his hand into her underwear, touching the softness of her skin.

"I didn't think you were the Brazilian kind of girl."

"I didn't know I was either. It was a whim. I've had it done twice now. I kind of like it, but if you don't I will stop doing it." She wanted to please him, but if he didn't like Brazilians she would go jungle for him.

"I might just want to, you know, look at it and feel it a little more. But so far it seems very very nice. But only if it doesn't hurt."

"Doesn't hurt you touching me or doesn't hurt Brazilian?"

"Both?"

"The pain of the Brazilian is ok. You touching me feels more than ok." His fingers were moving down to her clit and he was making these weird little strokes. It was delicious. She let out a contented sigh. She finally regained her senses and removed his underwear. She took a step back, disconnecting his hands from her body.

"Shirt off."

"Bra off then." She nodded at his challenge.

"You still have your socks on."

"I know, and my ex hated it, but I like to have my feet warm. Is that ok?"

"Fair enough. I like to have warm feet too, maybe you could get me a pair in the sense of fairness because no way in the world do I want to be more naked than you."

"Fair enough." He walked to the chest of drawers and shuffled around, trying to find a pair that were suitable for her.

"Sit down and I will put them on you."

She sat on his bed and he kneeled before her. She perved at his wang. He perved on her chest. When he had finished pulling his favorite socks onto her feet placed his arms under her knees and quickly put his hands on her arse, bringing her towards him. She shrieked.

"Shhh, I just want to have a closer look at you." He kissed her gently and then moved his mouth down to her breasts.

"Am I allowed to put these in my mouth? I don't think I'm supposed to suck hard on them, it does something to the hormones."

"Mmmmm I don't care just do whatever you want with me." He used his tongue and softly traced around each areola, gently placing the little peak in his mouth and sucking gently.

His hand made its way back to her clit and then he started to push gently at her entrance with his fingers.

She cupped his face in his hand and nodded her approval. He loved that she was staring into his eyes, her little lip bites indicating that she was gaining pleasure from his intrusion.

He pushed in further, tilting his fingers up. Tanya had never let him touch her this way. He was running on instinct and Bella's soft groans, both telling him he was managing to please her.

She lay down on the bed and she opened her legs a little wider, feeling braver, safer in her nakedness.

He could fully see her sex and he wanted a taste. Still moving his fingers, he kissed his way along her thighs, hopeful she wouldn't reject his movements towards her. She inhaled deeply as his tongue finally hit his target.

"Edward you don't have to do that, but, mmm, oh my lord that feels, mmmm, fucking amazing." She was now grinding her pubic bone against him.

He lapped at her faster, his fingers a little more forceful until finally she arched her back a little and let out a content little sigh, huffing and puffing out her orgasm.

She sat up.

"Victoria is suffering bucketloads at this point."

"Orgasms?"

"Yes, fucking multiple."

They laughed.

**Thanks for the reviews. The boyporn is a little dedication to cocoalvinoz. Girl knows how to spend an afternoon...**


	34. Chapter 34

**Chapter 34.**

**OtA**

"Stop laughing!" Edward was trying to control his wife who was now sitting astride him, his penis happily (and finally) finding had made its way into her vagina. Both of them were sober. Both (hopefully) would remember this moment. Except Bella was destroying it with her giggling.

"I can't help it, stop stroking the skin under my arms!" She let out another giggle. Every time she did so, her tight muscles squeezed his dick and caused a sensation that he was fairly certain was going to make him cum at any moment.

"You are ticklish everywhere! You're bloody broken you are- I can't even touch your boobies without you giggling. This isn't even remotely erotic!"

"Boobies? You wanker- are you three? Who the hell calls boobies, well boobies?"

"You just did."

"You're bloody Englishness is rubbing off on me! "

"No my bloody Englishness is rubbing inside of you and if you don't stop giggling this is going to be over very soon."

"My giggles do things to your wiener?" Bella crossed her arms and tried very hard not to giggle.

"Did you just call my manhood..."

"Your impressive manhood..."

"Yes well that's undeniable, but did you just call my manhood a wiener?"

"Yes, that's what I called boy's pee-pees at the age of three. I called them wieners. And your wiener likes my vajayjay when it jiggles."

"That's rather alliterative of you there. But if it's okay by you I would very much like to attempt to fulfill my obligation of orgasms..."

"Multiple orgasms..." Corrected Bella.

"Yes well I can't very well fulfill my husbandly duty to give you multiple orgasms if you are going to make me explode prematurely inside of you without even having the opportunity to thrust around a bit."

"Wow you just took the eroticism of lovemaking with you to a whole new level there sporto." She whacked him affectionately on the arm. He grabbed her hand and kissed her fingertips gently.

"Shhhh now. I really wish you had a dump button*"

"Why Mr Cullen you are so rude, I would never attempt to prevent you from saying anything ever again. I would never push the dump button on you."

"Shut up Mrs Cullen, come here." He kissed her soft lips, running his fingers through her hair and along her spine. He was grateful she wasn't ticklish anymore. He moved her bottom slightly, attuning it into the rhythm that he was making with his gentle thrusting.

She made the cutest mewing noise, the quietest little content grunts. He was completely lost in the beauty that was his wife.

"Ok, just tell me when it gets too much, this is much more about you than me." He stroked her hair and moved it off her face.

"Just shut up and bang me you dumbarse Brit."

"Dumbarse Brit? If this is sexy talk then you need to work on it." He laughed again. She felt amazing. He really did want to bang her. Until she was screaming nothing but his name.

She held her finger up to his mouth.

"Shhhh, more banging less talking."

She didn't have to tell him twice. Within minutes the small panting noises she had been making had turned into louder grunts.

"Mmmm Edward, mmm baby don't stop" Her voice was jagged. Her fingernails were digging into his back, pushing him along in encouragement. He followed the rhythm that she wanted. BANG BANG BANG BANG. He was getting close.

He came. The noises she made indicated that she too had reached her brink. He pushed her a little further.

With each thrust she uttered those three little words every man wants to hear...

"MULTIPLE...FUCKING... ORGASMS"

THE END.

_**Thanks for reading and also for reviewing. That's all she wrote folks. Except maybe for one epilogue. Maybe. If I drink enough alcohol. Much love to Teena and Elaine, for reading this drivel and guiding me for over a year.**_

_**The dump button is what the button is called that wipes out what the DJ is saying on air, and generally deverts to a pre-programmed song. Mostly so the studio can jump on the DJ, whack him around the head and try and prevent the verbal armageddon that may have occurred.**_


	35. Epilogue

**OtA..**

**Epilogue...**

**7 months later...**

It was 2.30 am, Bella awoke as per normal and made her way to the bathroom. She peed, moving her body in the awkward manner to which she was becoming accustomed to. Her belly twinged, as it had been doing so for the last several days. Except this time it lasted a little longer.

She hoped desperately this baby would be coming today. She was over being pregnant.

Climbing back in bed, her husband was oblivious to the cramping in her belly and she thought it better to leave him ignorant until such times as she was good and certain that this time, _this time_, it meant the baby was finally coming.

At her 39 week appointment she had felt slightly cocky, telling the receptionist that she did not need an appointment for next week.

The older receptionist had smiled, patted her hand and suggested they make an appointment "Just in case." She felt she had been cursed and had dutifully turned up the following week. She had eyed the receptionist in a suspicious manner as she gave her name for the appointment.

She was further deflated and supspicious walking into her 40th week appointment then her 41st and now, in her 42nd week, the baby was going to be induced tomorrow afternoon if it didn't come naturally.

The threat of induction was obviously all the encouragement that this little one needed to finally get into action when at 6.30 when she awoke again, the pain was still there. She poked her husband in the rib. He'd had enough sleep.

"No Bella, I can't screw you again, there's only so much a man can take.'' Edward managed to mumble.

She leaned over seductively to his face, leaning into his ear and yelled. "The baby's coming!"

Edward fell on he floor, a tangle of sheets wrapped around his legs as he tried to become composed. He failed miserably.

"You cow, I could have broken something and then where would you be? All pushing out the baby with no husband's hand to hold." He kissed her gently, obviously not cross. Plus by now he had learnt not to upset the hormonal tigress she held within.

"Yes I am a cow, but I waited four whole hours before waking you up. You will remember this come mother's day when you will wait upon me hand and foot for the incredible efforts that I make today." Another contraction paused her conversing.

"Do I rub your back or something?"

"No it's not bad yet. But I would maim someone for some toast or something."

"Toast coming up." Edward left the room. He came back a second later.

"Should we call the hospital to let them know you are coming?"

"Oh, yeah, I can do that later." Her baby brain was really effecting her normally exceptional organisation abilities. She wondered how she had ever passed the bar exams with her current retention abilities. Edward popped his head back into the room.

"Just don't have the baby while I boil the kettle okay?"

"Have you not learned anything from those ant-natal classes. These things can take forever to come out." She pointed to her belly. Edward moved and kneeled before her, kissing her belly and then kissing her.

"You are so sweet. But please get me some toast sometime in the next three minutes or I won't be held responsible for what I might do to you."

He saluted her and left the room.

She got up and stood before the mirror. Everything was going to change today. They were going to become a family. The room next door would have a little person sleeping in it soon. She wouldn't sleep a full night sleep for the next 5 years. And her vagina would be ruined. She didn't care too much about the last one, but she knew Edward was rather fond of her vajayjay.

Edward called out from the kitchen.

"What do you want on your toast? Do you want tea as well?"

"You are so bloody British. Tea does not fix everything! Can I have Nutella on my toast?" Mmm Nutella, hazelnutty chocoloate spread of the gods. How had she ever not known the joys of Nutella. How empty had her life been before. If it were legal she would probably divorce Edward and marry a giant size jar of Nutella. Her baby brain really was going to mush.

They spent the next few hours pottering about the house. She repacked her bags, arranging items in the order for which she thought she would need them. The twinges became closer together, but were quite manageable.

She was surprised when she had rung the hospital for the second time after lunch and the nurse was saying they had expected her earlier.

"I'm fine, the pain isn't bad."

"Yes Mrs Cullen, but you have been in labour for nearly 12 hours now, how about coming in and we will just have a look at you and see how far you have gone?"

The nurse's voice was soft and reassuring. Bella was certain this woman was hiding a gigantic epidural needle and was just wanting to stab her viciously as she walked in the hospital door. An hour or so later she told Edward that she was going to have a shower and that maybe they should head in. She wasn't worried, this thing was going to take forever.

It was a stupid move. Within minutes the pain became worse and she found herself on the floor of the shower, wave after wave of pain gripping at her abdomen and creeping around to her back. She wanted to throw up, but her steadfast non belief in vomitting was holding her back.

"Edward!" She managed to call out in a strangled voice and he came running.

Seeing his wife bent over on the floor of the shower, he raced to her and helped to get her off the floor.

"Did you fall? Are you okay? Is the baby coming?"

"No the pain was just really bad. I am a stupid stupid girl. We should have gone to the hospital hours ago. They wanted me to, but I thought the less time I was there the less chance they would have of sticking needles into me."

"Okay honey, I know you are afraid of needles, that's why we bought all those numbing patches. You are going to get dressed and I will bring the car around the front and we are dragging your needle phobic arse to hospital. Right now honey."

Edward helped her to dress and helped her ride the pain of another contraction before he felt secure in that he had enough time to get the car.

As she toddled slowly to the door another contraction struck her. She slid down the wall and got onto her hands and knees and crawled. This position seemed really good, maybe she could just crawl to the hospital? The pain finally abated and she got to her feet. She walked to the car and sat down. She was already tired. Surely this little one would come soon.

"Why do we live so far away from the hospital?" She groaned, the trip seemed to be taking forever.

"I know I tell you that you drive like a douchebag, but could you just do that today? Go through red lights, it's all good. I'm pretty sure I can convince the..." Another contraction ended her speech.

"Get...there...quickly...NOW!"

To her fury Edward drove at the speed limit and even stopped when the traffic lights were red.

"Don't make me kill you...drive faster. Drive badly. Drive like a frikkin' Cullen." She needed to calm herself down, but the drive was stressing her out. They finally reached the hospital, the security guard at the front of the emergency entrance for the birthing centre smiling to himself as he watched the erratic father-to-be park his car in the emergency 20 minute zone.

They made their way to the lift and to the third floor.

Edward enquired at the desk and gave the nurse Bella's name. A few minutes later another nurse arrived and directed them to one of the suites. She showed Bella the room and offered her a hospital gown to change into before saying she would be back in a few minutes to attend to her examination.

Edward helped her to undress and just as the gown was slipped over her arms her water chose to break. It was warm and slightly comforting. Suddenly she was glad it hadn't happened in the car.

"Holy crap, I didn't even think about how messy that shit would get in the car. You would have to get it detailed."

"Oh I dunno, vagina is kind of a nice eu de toilette."

Bella scrunched her nose."Yeah but that would be three day old, shut in a car with the windows wound up, no air circulating vagina smell."

"True. Kind of like used prostitute scent I guess. I can't imagine how much that would cost to get rid of out of the leather seats."

The nurse returned to the room and saw her waters on the floor.

Bella pointed at Edward. "He did it."

"Okay sweetie, let's check this baby out." She indicated for Bella to hop up on the bed.

After poking around for a bit the nurse declared her dilated to 3cm.

"Really? Only 3cm? That sucks. I've been contracting for 12 hours. Stupid vagina."

"Oh missy, these things take time, how about you have a shower, go for a walk and get this baby going." She left the room.

"Oh I forgot I made you a present."

"Oh that's really..." Another contraction hit. She really just wanted to sit in the shower and feel the heat run over her muscles. The nurse must have read her birth plan and had known to not even bother offering her any injections of pain relief. She breathed the tide of pain out. Edward rubbed her back.

"You're not getting lucky tonight there Mr."

"What me? Gosh Bella just because a fellow rubs your back you think he just wants to have smexy times with you. My feelings are hurt."

"You dickhead. Back rubs always lead to sex."

"No they...oh yeah they do. I'm really getting predictable aren't I?"

"Yes Edward, sex with you is always so predictable - up against a wall, up on the table, at the beach, in the car, in the lift, in my office, in your office, in the loo, in the loo at the movie cinema, in the loo at the restaurant..."

"Not my fault you have a freaky loo fetish."

"Alright well how about you join me in the shower which is right next to the loo and grab that inflatable ball thing and you help me to get relaxed." She made her way to the bathroom and turned on the shower.

From the other room she could hear music. She tried to make out the song.

Edward re-entered the room. Recognition struck her.

"You prick."

Edward smirked at her.

"What the hell is with this song?"

"I made you a present, it's a mix CD. I call it 'Inappropriate Songs to play during Childbirth.' It took me weeks to make."

"And this song?"

"It's called 'Only Women Bleed' this is the John Farnham version."

"That is so inappropriate you douchebag."

"I made you a nice one too. But I thought this would take your mind off things."

"You really were suited to being an arsehole DJ."

"Yes honey, whatever you say." He continued to rub her back.

For the next few hours they listened to the CD over and over. Bella playfully hitting him when she recognized each song.

After the third running of it, it was getting quite enjoyable to watch the staff getting freaked out when they realized the title or the lyrics of the songs that were being played.

"Oh I get it...Push It by Salt and Peppa. That's clever- what do you call this CD honey?" The lovely nurse had made a reappearance.

"It's a mix CD- Inappropriate Songs for Childbirth." Edward proudly piped up.

"Your funny. I hope she punches you in an hour or so honey." The nurse waddled out.

"Yay it's Britney! Baby one more time. We are so only having one child." Bella grimaced through her next contraction.

An hour later she commented- "I don't like "The First Cut is the Deepest" skip that one, it freaks me out." She was just managing to talk now.

Her OB finally made an appearance.

"Mrs Cullen, how about we see if we can push now?" She was positioned on the bed, a wave of calm washing over her, knowing that she was ready.

She pushed for a few minutes, Edward holding her hand and speaking words of encouragement in her ear.

"I love you Bella."

Finally the baby's head made an appearance.

"Good girl, okay on this one give a really big push Bella." She gripped Edwards hand even firmer, took a deep breath and pushed with all that she had.

And in that moment she became aware of the lyrics of the Live song that was playing.

"Lightning crashes, a new mother cries, her placenta falls to the floor."

She laughed just a little through the pain as she heard the wail of their firstborn.

**Thanks for reading. That's it folks. The above is loosely based on the story of the birth of my son. My husband really did make me a mix CD with that title and that really was the lyrics that were playing as my gorgeous boy came into the world. Interestingly enough, when my daughter was born I refused to have music.**

**My son is tone deaf and my daughter is very musical. Go figure.**


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